Tag Archives: satire

Alien Attack Now Imminent, Republicans Warn

Conservatives are sounding like a celestially-fervid flock of Chicken Littles over President Obama’s plan to reduce the U.S.’s nuclear weapon stockpile by as much as 80 percent.

And for good reason.

As Ronald Reagan knew well in the 1980s—because his wife kept him informed of all inter-galactic current events—20,000 nuclear warheads may have been enough to bomb every sovereign nation on the globe 100 times each, but it wasn’t nearly enough to thwart an alien attack!

Now that the stockpile is in the process of being reduced to 1,550 nuclear weapons, the threat has been compounded.

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GOP's Junk Food Bill Targets Future Conservatives

Cook ’em a free pizza and they will come.

No, it’s not a Herman Cain campaign motto. It’s the Republican Party’s new strategy for molding the next generation of conservative voters. And it begins in elementary school.

Fighting back against the Obama Administration’s increased restrictions on unhealthy, high sodium and fatty foods in school cafeterias, Republicans this week proposed a bill to re-designate pizza sauce, ketchup and fries as “vegetables” and overturn the administration’s push for more whole grain and (actual) vegetable options in schools.

The administration’s argument is based on very simple logic: If you’re receiving government-subsidized meals, the government has the authority to require that those meals be healthy, but opponents of healthy foods see it differently.

“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness begins during childhood,” one Republican lawmaker said in support of his party’s proposed legislation. “The government has no authority to take away my child’s right to have frozen pizza, grease-drenched freedom fries and fat-filled Twinkies for lunch!”

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