For serious. I WILL CUT YOU.
This is what I will look like when I'm an old white lady.
Time Warner, you are a lying sack of shit. I had a cable appointment today; I had to be home from 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. Why did I have an appointment? Because my wireless fucking sucks. Do you know how badly it sucks? I’m using my neighbor’s wireless because hers exactly does not suck.
And hey, Time Warner? I haven’t slept. Long story short, I didn’t go to bed.
So I’ve been sitting here ALL DAY, except for a brief period of time when I took my dog for a motherfucking walk. Do you know what time that was? What do you mean, what time what was. What time I took the dog for a walk, asshole.
It was at 11:06 a.m. I know this because I called my friend straight cakin’ son at 11:06 a.m. right when I walked out of the door.
What? Because my iPhone says I made the call at 11:06 a.m., THAT’S HOW I KNOW! GOSH!
Anyway, I was back by 11:37 a.m. because that’s when my friend, let’s use the name Magical Zebra, called to say he’d be coming by for a spell. I was at home when I answered that call. I then watched the rest of the Australia/Germany soccer footie game. Way to go Germany. You won, 4-0. Hitler still sucks.
Now I’m sitting here watching some infomercial about some white people who are trying to lose weight. Oh wait. There’s a black guy. Nice abs, black guy!
Oh god, where is the fucking remote.
So, at 1:50 p.m. my phone rings. I ignore it, as I do all Unknown and Blocked calls, all 1-800 and 1-888 calls, all calls that don’t have a contact name attached to them, as well as all other calls.
(I’m in heavy call ignore mode these days. It’s election season, and the damn Democrats and environmentalists won’t leave me the fuck alone. I even got a mailer from the NRA. It’s like the postal service doesn’t know me at all.)
This call is not like the others; this call goes to voicemail. (Those pussy telemarketers or charity seekers, or whatever don’t have the stones to leave a message; if they left a message, i’d set that fucking mesage on fire.) So I listen to the message. It’s some asshat from Time Warner saying that their technician showed up at my door and that no one was home.