OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Eclectanews) – Observers from around the world gathered in America’s capitol this week to observe the expected end of the world as a confluence of three profound events threatened the planet Earth’s very existence.
First, on Tuesday of this week, a decades-old military policy known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) was repealed. This occured after over a year of intense debate in which repeal opponents warned the country that God’s wrath at such an event would result in a planetary catastrophe. Cindy Jacobs, a self-described prophet who was the first to connect the dots between DADT and birds falling from the sky and fish kills told Eclectanews:
If this Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell can cause birds to fall out of the sky and fish to die in our rivers, this repeal will surely bring God’s anger upon our country and lay waste to the sinners and fornicators. The rest of us will pay the price for their sin. Thankfully, I will be raptured to heaven to take my rightful and righteous place next to the throne of my Lord, Jesus Christ, amen.
A spokesman for the Westboro Baptist Church reminded journalists that the Prince of Peace and Love hates homosexuals. “God loves everyone,” explained WBC pastor Fred Phelps. “And He hates fags.”
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