The one black Republican of 2011 to somehow dodge the “uppity n!ggger” charge by patriotic, Constitution-loving Teabaggers has “officially and enthusiastically” endorsed fellow philanderer Newt Gingrich for the presidency.
Herman Cain’s nod to Gingrich, announced in West Palm Beach, Fla., just days before the Sunshine State’s primary, could swing the momentum back toward the former House speaker, as it may effect the large swath of matrimonially disinclined conservative voters who remain unimpressed with Mitt Romney’s 42-year fidelity.
Speaking candidly about his experience with unsheathed beef whistles, Cain had this to say about Gingrich:
I know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder—I know what this sausage grinder is all about. I know he is going through this sausage grinder because he cares about the future of the United States of America.
Between his excessive reiterations about the “sausage grinder,” Cain managed to utter at least one coherent remark, which lambasted that dirty world of “politics” for creating the inhumane and unrealistic expectation that future leaders of the free world keep their dicks in their pants.
“What does something that happened 20 years ago relative to an ex-wife have to do with fixing America’s problems today?” he asked. “Nothing.”
In a meandering, cliché-drenched speech that made George W. Bush sound like a world-renowned scholar of the oratorical arts, Republican Herman Cain announced on Saturday, Dec. 3, 2011—a day that will live in infamy thanks to the candidate’s head-scratching paraphrasing of a Pokémon quotation—the immediate suspension, some say permanent, of his pie-in-the-sky presidential campaign.
For those who saw Cain as the everyman candidate, the Average Joe, the overweight/black/male/bald version of Sarah Palin; for those who donated to his campaign, cheered at his rallies and courageously defended his economic, social and foreign policy blunders against the mainstream media’s factual clarifications vicious attacks; and for those whose loyalty didn’t waver even when those lying bitches accused Cain of sexual harassment, philandering and faithlessness to his wife of four decades, do not despair. There is a silver lining to every dark, thunderous, campaign-killing cloud.
In this case it’s the avoidance of post-primary shame from which all ye Republican dipshits would be suffering had karma not intervened and forced Cain’s cheatin’ ass to drop out.
Source: Melina Mara/The Washington Post/Getty Images
Herman Cain is imploding. If anyone’s still pretending this is a surprise, can we stop that right now? I would also be grateful if we could finally stop acting as if he was ever a serious contender for the GOP nomination. He wasn’t, and not just because he’s black. Cain was never a serious contender because he’s wildly ignorant, and borderline crazy. The GOP has a history of allowing these people (Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, Paul, Cain, etc) to toddle out onto the stage and push the boundaries of civil conversation a little farther out, squeezing out every last drop of anti-social outrage they can, and then tossing them onto history’s famous scrapheap, in favor of the one fella who has money and isn’t certifiable. In 2008, it was John McCain. In 2012, it’ll be Mitt Romney. Have we cleared that up? (No, it won’t be Gingrich. Stop that! He’s made too many Republicans mad. Much as they hate Romney, they hate Gingrich more). (No! Not Huntsman either! He’s too reasonable, and too poor. Maybe 2016, when they’re done purging the party of the crazy following what they already know will be Obama’s re-election). (Yes. That’s what’s going to happen. Can we get to the point now? Thank you).
Herman Cain’s silly White House run having served more as useful foolishness than reality, I don’t have any interest in discussing it as a political exercise. I do, however, have a very real interest in using it to continue the conversation I started at my place earlier this month about the ways in which harassment and assault shape women’s days, and to move into the vocabulary we use in conversations about sexual violence, whether they are about Herman Cain, or Jerry Sandusky, or Dominique Strauss-Kahn, or the asshole down the street.
I’m not sure how much more bullshit could possibly spew from Herman Cain’s face-hole. From claiming that he would make Muslims take a loyalty oath, to his not-at-all credible claims that he didn’t sexually assault and harass several women during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association, to his jokes about electrified fences along the Mexican border, to calling Nancy Pelosi “Princess Nancy” to calling vegetable pizza “sissy pizza” that real men would never eat, Herman Cain keeps demonstrating that he is, to be blunt, an asshole.
Fighting back against the Obama Administration’s increased restrictions on unhealthy, high sodium and fatty foods in school cafeterias, Republicans this week proposed a bill to re-designate pizza sauce, ketchup and fries as “vegetables” and overturn the administration’s push for more whole grain and (actual) vegetable options in schools.
The administration’s argument is based on very simple logic: If you’re receiving government-subsidized meals, the government has the authority to require that those meals be healthy, but opponents of healthy foods see it differently.
“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness begins during childhood,” one Republican lawmaker said in support of his party’s proposed legislation. “The government has no authority to take away my child’s right to have frozen pizza, grease-drenched freedom fries and fat-filled Twinkies for lunch!”
I’ve been incredulous when it comes to Herman Cain since he came on the scene. He’s just one of the sideshows of the political circus that the media is fully invested in these days. I suppose we have to have something to laugh at and make fun of along the way.
I wrote Cain off immediately when I heard some of the crazy stuff he was saying about Muslims and his overall lack of seriousness on almost every issue.
He’s a shameless self promoter and good for him if he can get the brain dead media to play along and improve his brand. You can pretty much take it to the bank that he will end up on Fox News or who knows, maybe MSNBC — they seem to be trying to play catch up to Fox News these days.
The pattern that the media and the Washington talking heads perpetuate is to bring attention to someone or something, elevate it by repeating and nourishing it. Take a poll about it, which registers all the attention it just received. Then, use the poll to justify talking about it some more. When the media grows tired of it, they either tear it down or just ignore it and move onto the next sideshow. I know I’m not the only one who sees this pattern.
National Review Online published an impossibly stupid article on the travails of one Herman Cain and the sexual assault and harassment allegations that are stacking up against him. It’s a rambly tl;dr piece that says nothing and makes no recognizable effort to try. It’s the literary equivalent of the tiny puffs of gas that my dog unwittingly excretes while he sleeps.
The author, some clown who calls himself Victor Davis Hanson, purports to discuss the difference between Cain and President Obama: “Cain’s authenticity vs. Obama’s metrosexual cool” (Get it, wingnuts? The Sheriff’s a nigger homo!)
Hanson’s “article” is a pathetic piece of Cain propaganda that attempts to resurrect a golden-child simulacrum of Herman Cain that never existed in the first place, and was merely a figment of the GOP’s addled collective imagination. Where Hanson sees “Black authenticity as defined by Southern mannerisms and darker complexion, amplified by conservatism or traditionalism,” I see unabashed incompetence and the human embodiment of Idiocracy.