Tag Archives: Heidi Montag

Actually, “asshat,” doesn’t quite capture it; Spencer is more like an ass-sombrero.

It’s been a while since I raged against Heidi Montag and her creepy bearded bonehead of a husband, Spencer Pratt.  I’ll sum up my feelings for those of you who aren’t quite clear:

DEATH.

BY FIRE.

IN THE FACE.**

So here’s what’s new in the land of Why Won’t You Die in a Fire.  First, they are obsessed with crystals. They’ve spent nearly $400K on crystals, thinking that crystals will bring them good luck or something equally ridiculous.  If by “luck” they mean “a fiery death,” then I support it.

Second, Spencer’s family seems to be sick of his shit:

He is estranged from younger sister Stephanie and doesn’t speak to his folks because “he felt his parents would talk to him only about Stephanie and that they charged him with taking care of her,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “He thinks she’s a loser and doesn’t want anything to do with her.”

Apparently, his parents have had it with him as well.

“They noticed him changing two years ago and stayed by his side. But now it’s too much,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They even took the pictures of him out of their home.”

Us Weekly reports Spencer, 26, and Heidi, 23, have become virtual shut-ins at their $7,000-a-month rented L.A house, which is filled with framed covers of magazines on which they’ve appeared.

“No one ever visits,” a local tells Us, and the couple rarely leave. “Heidi sits and stares in the mirror, while Spencer plots and schemes on his projects all day,” adds a Pratt source. “He sits on the Internet, watches TV and tries to get press. That is all he does. It’s totally sick.”

The image of Heidi standing naked in front of a mirror, tears streaming down her face as she realizes that she, a once pretty girl, is on a one-way train to Playa Del OMG! What’s Wrong With Your Face: Population, Jocelyn Wildenstein, while her husband languishes at a computer, self-googling and plotting celebrity world domination, really makes me cheerful.  Let’s all laugh heartily at these two assclowns, shall we?

HA HA HA!

HO HO HO!

Here’s some other Speidi-related schadenfreude: Apparently they’ve become dirty hoarders.  Their 7K a month house is apparently in disarray, and littered with crystals and dog poop.  They have four dogs which are not potty trained and therefore crap all over the house, much to Heidi’s chagrin.  Heidi is on Team Don’t Let the Dogs Shit in the House.  Her husband, on the other hand, is on Team Heidi Pick Up That Dog Shit:

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They’re never going to go away, are they?

Yes. Stop breathing.

I know this news is a couple days old.  Finally getting around to writing about Heidi Montag’s latest desperate grab for relevancy by selling pictures of her unborn child is, in the blogosphere, akin to telling you that Martin Luther just totally posted some crazy shit on a church door.

But my sense of horror and sheer “OMG!”-ery doesn’t obey the laws of time and cyberspace.  And since my vague interest in the sheer travesty of nature that is Speidi’s existence has, over the years, blossomed into an outright obsession bordering on the psychotic, let me assure you that I write this blog post not out of desire, but as  result of some as yet undiagnosed mental disease.

I.Just.Can’t.Help.It.

An “anonymous source” (probably her Creepy Flesh Bearded Husband) told In Touch Weekly:

“She’s not even pregnant yet, but she and Spencer have already signed the papers. They’re planning staged photos every step of the way – the pregnancy, the birth, and of course, the first baby picture.”

Fantastic.  Just… you know.  Fucking fantastic.  Go ahead and pee in the gene pool, Speidi.  We, as a nation, just aren’t stupid enough.

[via Yeeeah!]