Tag Archives: Florida

"Personhood is Back in Florida" by @BeachPeanuts

[Here's a guest post from Beach Peanuts on the resurgence of Personhood in Florida. -ABLxx]

Personhood Florida
Defending Life For Just Nine Months, At A Cost To All Others

Defeated once before in Florida, the issue of Personhood is making a comeback. In spite of defeats in other states as well, Personhood Florida plans to push for another “fetal personhood” amendment in 2014.

“Personhood” holds that a person exists at the very moment of conception. Not only does it ban abortion without exceptions for rape or incest, but it would even ban contraception, in vitro fertilization, and could even interfere with cancer research.

A petition to get a Personhood amendment on the ballot would require 676,811 signatures. Despite previous opposition from even anti-abortion supporters because it was too extreme, one big supporter is Senate President Mike Haridopolos who signed a petition last year. Given the numerous draconian abortion bills that have made their way through the legislature the past couple of years, it’s hardly a stretch to predict that others may soon follow suit.

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Newt Gingrich Wants a Florida Primary Do-Over

It is to laugh.

 The Republican primary is a clown show, and Newt Gingrich is about to put on his red nose and floppy shoes and do a little dance.

The Gingrich campaign plans to challenge the results of the Florida primary on the grounds that the RNC’s rules state that no “winner-take-all” primaries (like Florida’s) may be held prior to April 1, 2012.

Seriously.

From Fox News:

The Newt Gingrich campaign is gearing up to challenge the results of the Florida Republican presidential primary based on the Republican National Committee’s own rules which state that no contest can be winner-take-all prior to April 1, 2012. (See RNC memo.)

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Florida State Rep. Brad Drake (R-Wackjob) Advocates Execution by Firing Squad; is "So Tired of Being Humane"

I can’t even.

 I just read this story and burst into peals of laughter.  There’s so much fail here it’s actually hard not to laugh at the sheer insanity of it all:

1) Florida (sorry Floridians1, but FAIL!);

2) Republican (obvious FAIL!);

3) introduced legislation to bring back “Old Sparky” and if that doesn’t work, to provide prisoners with “a lead cocktail.”  (FAIL!, FAIL!);

4) He’s tired of being humane (This is redundant; see item 2);

5) Would throw prisoners off a bridge if he could (Seriously?!);

6) Got the idea from some asshole at Waffle House (Yes, seriously.)

So yeah, I laughed.

And I’m not talking “how droll” laughter; I’m talking “these people are nuts; we’re all gonna die” laughter:

Florida state Rep. Brad Drake (R) is angry that Valle’s execution took so long. So angry, in fact, that he introduced a bill yesterday to eliminate lethal injection as a execution method altogether in favor of electrocution or the firing squad. “I’m sick and tired of this sensitivity movement for criminals,” Drake declared.

Drake got this ingenious idea to bring back electrocution and firing squads from an equally ingenious place: a Waffle House. Overhearing a constituent call for such methods, Drake said he decided to file the bill. After all, “if it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge,” he said:

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New Stupidly-Written Law in Florida is Stupidly-Written — Bans Sex?!

People this stupid shouldn’t even be having sex.

The Florida legislature passed a poorly-written law meant to address bestiality (because apparently Floridians are shagging gators or whatever) but which seemingly bans sex between humans.

The law states:

An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date.

Now for those of you who paid attention in grade school science class, you know that humans are animals. You can even look it up on your computer machine:

Yes, humans are animals. The human’s phylum is Chordata (vertebrate). The human’s class is mammalia. It’s [sic] order is primate (the same as apes). It’s [sic] family is Hominidae (apes that have no tail and can gather food with their hands.) The Human’s sub-family is Homininae. It’s [sic] tribe is Hominini. It’s [sic] genus is Homo and it’s [sic] specie is scientifically named Homo Sapiens.

Accordingly, prohibiting sexual contact or conduct with an animal prohibits sexual contact or conduct with a human.

Derp.

As noted by Southern Fried Scientist:

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Get the Koch Bros. out of FSU

Tales from an Angry Alumna

I’m 5’2, and a deadly combination of Irish and Cherokee, masked under the hospitable guise of a southern accent. I look deceptively perky and pleasant.

But you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. And the overt commercialization of higher education makes me terrifying angry.

I graduated from Florida State University in 2001, and since then have remained active in the Alumni Association, Boosters and overall area club leadership. In 2009, I helped created a Seminole Club here in my beloved New Orleans (no, really, eff you, BP), and have turned my garnet and gold obsession into a full-time passion.

Seriously, my future child will know the chop (yes, the chop) before he or she is able to walk. Fortuitously propaganda exists sheerly for such important early childhood education.

That’s how much I love my Noles.

This month the value of my degree has taken a significant hit with the announcement that two politically-minded, skeazy billionaires obsessed with spreading their narrow point of view The Charles G. Koch Charitable Foundation, in 2008, gave $1.5 million to the University’s Economics Department in a manner that effectively curtailed academic freedom—meaning that my beloved alma mater has sold out for a very low price. From the St. Petersburg Times:

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Florida Jobs Agency Handing Out Superhero Capes to the Unemployed; Is Stupid

Why not just brand the word “LOSER” on their forehead and then pants them?

Don’t count out Florida when it comes to batshit insanest state in the union. It seemed that Arizona and Texas had a lock on the prestigious title, but Florida has been doing some pretty crazy shit as of late.

Here’s yet another example: Workforce Central FLorida, a federally-funded jobs agency is spending a crap ton of money (nearly $75,000) to raise awareness of its services.

Seriously:

It may be hard getting a job in today’s labor market, but Workforce Central Florida is prepared to give you a cape — a shiny, red cape.

At least while supplies last.

The region’s federally funded jobs agency is spending more than $73,000 on a media campaign to raise awareness of its services.

As part of a superhero theme, it has created a cartoon character named “Dr. Evil Unemployment” and spent more than $14,000 on 6,000 satiny superhero capes.

It plans to distribute the capes to jobless residents who participate in the agency’s “Cape-A-Bility Challenge.”

To win a cape, a contestant can become a Workforce Central Florida fan on Facebook, take a Facebook quiz — “What Superhero Are You?” — or have a photo taken with a foam cutout of Dr. Evil Unemployment.

Job seekers and employers who participate become eligible to win a $1,000 prize package, featuring gift cards from Visa, Barnes & Noble and the U.S. Postal Service. Job seekers can also win $125 worth of résumé paper. Only two prize packages will be given away. [Why not just spend the damn money and give as many people free resume paper as you can?]

The goal of the campaign is to “generate awareness of WFC and our programs,” agency Vice President Kimberly Sullivan wrote in an email. The agency spent about $2,300 on 12 foam board cutouts of Dr. Evil Unemployment, each about 5 feet tall. [What the?! -ed.]

It paid $14,200 for the capes — almost 20 percent of the campaign’s budget — which feature the “Cape-A-Bility” logo and the Workforce website.

“I have 6,000 capes to hand out,” Sullivan said. [I'm in the market for 6,000 capes with which to smother you. -ed.]

But just how useful Central Florida’s 116,000 unemployed workers will find capes — and the larger campaign — is unclear. Unemployment raises difficult self-esteem questions, and many jobless people say they work hard to maintain a sense of self-respect.

“Wow … I mean, wow,” said Ryan Julison, a former vice president of communications with Ginn Resorts. “That’s all I can say.”

Yup. That’s all I can say, too.

No wait, I can say this: REALLY? Lots of folks find it incredibily demoralizing and embarrassing to find themselves unemployed (present company excluded, thankfully). Making light of their situation, by giving them cheap satin capes is an awesome way to crank their self-confidence up to 11.

Good grief.

(H/T Nia!)

[via The Raw Story]

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Florida Voter Suppression: Newly-Married Members of the Uterati Edition

Oh good grief

Across the country, voter suppression efforts are in full force.  There are the bevy of birther bills which Republicans in various states (Montana, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Indiana, Connecticut, Missouri and Iowa) hope will prevent the Kenyan Usurper’s name from even appearing on the ballot.

There are also bills that make it really fucking hard to register to vote in at least two dozen states. Florida’s voter suppression bill is particularly ludicrous.

Florida Republicans, as we all know, are a tad “squirmish” when it comes to their vaginaed citizens.  Surely, you recall that the Florida GOP determined that the word “uterus” was inappropriate for young ears.

Whelp, the Florida GOP has launched another attack on the Florida Uterati; this attack, HB 1355, is on the Uterati’s newly-married members — (the bill also disproportionately affects minorities, students, and bloggers, by the way).

Essentially, if you’re a newly-married woman and you don’t want to change your name, or don’t change your name “in time,” then you might consider getting your marriage and birth certificate tattooed on your newlywed ass:

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Emily's Uterus, Inc.

I often write political posts. I occasionally write funny posts. I almost never do anything that could be considered both at the same time.

Today the world changes, my friends!

Author Lesley Hazleton — an absolutely marvelous writer, who happens to also have a voice made for teaching all of us the wisdom of the ages — blogs under the name The Accidental Theologist and tweets at @accidentaltheo. In these two latter capacities, through sheer good fortune on my part, I find myself internet buddies with her (it’s like being internet buddies with your that professor who was secretly your mentor. A little head-turning).

So ANYWAY, Lesley’s got an awesome sense of the absurd, and these days, these United States are seeing an awful lot of absurd out and about — such as a week ago today, when the following really happened:

During last week’s discussion about a bill that would prohibit governments from deducting union dues from a worker’s paycheck, state Rep. Scott Randolph, D-Orlando, used his time during floor debate to argue that Republicans are against regulations — except when it comes to the little guys, or serves their specific interests.

At one point Randolph suggested that his wife “incorporate her uterus” to stop Republicans from pushing measures that would restrict abortions. Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida business.

Apparently the GOP leadership of the House didn’t like the one-liner.

They told Democrats that Randolph is not to discuss body parts on the House floor.

“The point was that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government,” Randolph said Thursday. “And I always say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe they (Republicans) would be talking about deregulating.

“It’s not like I used slang,” said Randolph, who actually got the line from his wife. He said Republicans voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus.

No really. That happened*.

So today, Lesley posted the following little piece of the Florida ACLU’s response to said moronitude absurdity, under the headline “Entitle Your Uterus” (and I’m making you click through because I want you to get the full effect. Because I love you, that’s why): Continue reading

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Florida GOP: The word "uterus" is "inappropriate for children and other guests."

Hell hath no fury like a vagina scorned.

The GOP is scared of your crotch, ladies.  I’m serious.

Last week, during a debate on Florida legislation that would prevent union dues from being automatically deducted from government paychecks, Scott Randolph (D-Orlando) used his time during floor debate to call the GOP out on their hypocrisy.  He pointed out that the GOP is staunchly “small government” when it comes to business, but “big government” when it comes to the little guy and their own pet interests — like lady parts.

At one point Randolph suggested that his wife “incorporate her uterus” to stop Republicans from pushing measures that would restrict abortions. Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida business.

Apparently the GOP leadership of the House didn’t like the one-liner.

They told Democrats that Randolph is not to discuss body parts on the House floor.

“The point was that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government,” Randolph said Thursday. “And I always say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe they (Republicans) would be talking about deregulating.

It’s not like I used slang,” said Randolph, who actually got the line from his wife. He said Republicans voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus.

“I think it’s a sad commentary about what we think about sex education in the state,” he said.

He’s right.  We all know that.  According to the Teabilly Doctrine, the government should be teeny-tiny when it comes to regulating big business.  But when it comes to lady business, the government is so fucking big that I wouldn’t be surprised if the military starts forcing women to quarter soldiers in their vaginas.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

::ahem::

Here’s what Katie Betta, the Florida GOP spokeswoman — woman! – had to say: (DANGER! SCARY VAGINA AHEAD!!1)

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