“Taste worth dying for.”
Blair River was a big guy with a big heart.
River, who stood 6-foot-8 and weighed about 575 pounds, gained a measure of fame in the past year as spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, a west Chandler restaurant that specializes in thick hamburgers and fries. He died on Tuesday at the age of 29.
The cause of death is currently unknown, but friends are speculating that it was the result of his contracting pneumonia after a bout with the flu.
Heart Attack Grill is an unabashedly unhealthy restaurant – the menu consists of huge burgers, milkshakes and fries cooked in lard – and having such a big man as a spokesman was part of its tongue in cheek “glorification of obesity.” But those who knew River said he was more than the larger-than-life caricature he portrayed in promoting the restaurant.
Restaurant founder Jon Basso said he got to know River, first as a customer at the restaurant before working with him after he became the grill’s spokesman.
“Cynical people might think this (River’s death) is funny,” Basso said. “But people who knew him are crying their eyes out. There is a lot of mourning going on around here. You couldn’t have found a better person.”
Uh, no. Cynical people won’t think it’s funny — the man is survived by his daughter and there’s nothing funny about that — but cynical people might wonder why any of the people who are “crying their eyes out” bothered to tell this young man that he was morbidly obese, that his lifestyle was unhealthy, and that eating six thousand-calorie “triple bypass” burgers or eight thousand-calorie “quadruple bypass” burgers with a side of fries doused in lard will fucking kill you.
(disturbing video after the jump)
- I was just talking to my friend Jen today about how 99% of society is stupid, regardless of race. Black, white, Asian, Latina, whatever. 99% of you are fucking idiots. This led to a discussion about what to do about such people. We were wondering whether or not idiots should be summarily rounded up and shot. I don’t fancy genocide, so maybe they could be rounded up and shipped off to Antarctica where they would likely freeze to death because they’d be too stupid to figure out a way to survive. Call it natural genocide. “What’s the point?” you may be asking. Well, this; this is my point. College Humor.
- P.S. You should check out Jen’s fashion-related blog, Jenuine West.
- Further to my “people are idiots” point, consider the Tea Partiers. Their whole reason for protesting is that they don’t want to be taxed to kingdom come. Well turns out, according to GW’s former speechwriter, they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Shocking, I know. Firedoglake.
- Everyone is all over Gabourey Sidibe’s ass. First Howard Stern, now Jamie Foxx. She’s too fat. She must have low self-esteem. She looks like Biggie Smalls. Blah blah blah. Let a girl live, dang. Her size has nothing to do with you. And she is more than comfortable with herself. Besides, she may be overweight, but she was also nominated for an Oscar… in the same category as the Grand Dames of Academy Awards, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren. What the hell have you done today? Average Bro.
- Bart Stupak is a whiny bitch. He’s been spreading lies about how the health care reform bill will use federal funds for abortions. It’s not true. It’s a lie. A falsehood. He’s also been complaining about all the press he’s been getting for lying his fool head off. Well, 59,000 nuns finally spoke up and told old Bart to shut his face. They are in favor of the health care reform bill. Bart’s response? I don’t listen to you, silly lady priests. I listen to the Catholic male leadership and it’s they who will tell women what to do with their bodies. So get thee back to a nunnery. Wonkette.
- I knew I liked Australia for a reason, and not just because of Hugh Jackman: “A television comedy series about a bong-smoking dog that has sex with a cat and a teddy bear has received $1.5 million of federal and state taxpayers’ money.” Catch you bitches later, I have a plane to catch. Warming Glow.
- Some crazy ass lady in New Jersey wants to be the fattest woman in the history of whatever. Weighing in at 600 pounds, she ultimately wants to tip the scales at 1000 pounds. She eats 12,000 calories a day and her weekly food bill is 750 dollars. What the hell is wrong with people? This woman is stupid. And she will be summarily shipped off to Antarctica with the rest of the stoopids. Zelda Lily.
- Those of you who followed me over from Thundersquee! know that we used to hand out weekly comment awards. “Best in Squee!” we called it. It was always fun picking the winners. Squeeple are some funny people. So, what is almost as fun as picking winners? Being a winner yourself! Which I was! Last week! On Pajiba! So excuse me, while I high five myself for tying for number two for my Eloquent Eloquence. Pajiba.
- I hate talking on the phone. I rarely do it. And when I do, believe you me, I will find some way to hang up on your ass. “Oops, going through a tunnel…” “I’m about to head in to an elevator!” So yeah. Talking on the phone sucks. The Oatmeal.
- My friend mme marbles requested that I blog about Katherine Heigl’s latest wardrobe malfunction at some award show I don’t give a shit about: “Could you please blog about how i want to punch her in her big stupid fat stupid face??” I can’t stand Katherine Heigl’s hypocritical bitch ass either, but I said that maybe now that she’s adopted a bunch of dogs and a Korean baby, Heigl has redeemed herself. Not according to mme marbles: “I bet she already threw that korean baby out with the trash once she realized it wasn’t getting her enough attention.” Heh. Celebitchy.
- You know what my dog wishes? He wishes he had a bunghole cover. Except for he doesn’t. The Nerdist.
- This is exactly awesome. Some dude on flickr is painting one dollar bills, to hilarious effect. This Blog Rules.
Posted in A Wee Bit O' Hilarity, Angry Black Links, Miscellany
Tagged animals, art, asshats, Bart Stupak, dog, dogs, fat, Firedoglake, Gabourey Sidibe, healthcare reform, Katherine Heigl, links, mme marbles, Pajiba, phones, Tea Party, teabaggers, Teabillies, weirdness
Then Baby Went to Peru, Got Murdered, Had All Her Fat Drained Out, And Now She’s in the Coroner.
There’s a roving gang of crazy Peruvians who are killing fools and draining their fat out of their corpses and then selling it on the black market to cosmetics companies. Oh yes. You read me right. You better check all your lip glosses, ladies. You might be slathering Peruvian human lipids all over your lips.
Actually, human fat is frequently extracted from one’s own ass and thighs to inject into one’s face. Did I make this up? Perhaps. But I saw it on an episode of Nip/Tuck once, so it must be true. Or maybe that was urine being used in a face cream. Whatevs, squeeps. I’m not Encyclopedia Brown here.
Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejia, chief of Peru’s anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told police it was worth $60,000 a gallon ($15,000 a liter).
Mejia said the suspects told police the fat was sold to intermediaries in Lima, the Peruvian capital. While police suspect the fat was sold to cosmetic companies in Europe, he could not confirm any sales.
Medical experts expressed doubt about an international black market for human fat, though it does have cosmetic applications. Yale University dermatology professor Dr. Lisa Donofrio speculated that a small market may exist for “human fat extracts” to keep skin supple, though scientifically such treatments are “pure baloney.”
Oh sure, some Yalie said it’s pure baloney. Mmmm… fatty delicious baloney. Or is it “bologna”? Can I get a ruling on the proper spelling of “bologna”? Anyone? No?