Tag Archives: drugs

Michael "Bionic Weed Smoker" Phelps is Swimming Again

Headed to Shanghai for the world championships in July

I will outswim you. And then I will smoke you.

Last week, in news that shocked exactly no one, Michael Phelps was named for the U.S. swim team.  He will compete in four individual events (200 meters freestyle, 100 and 200 butterfly and 200 individual medley) and up to three relays.

You may not remember Michael Phelps, but he won a metric fuckton1 of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics in 2008.  Then he got in a spot of trouble after he was photographed doing hard drugs smoking weed at a party.  Quelle horreur!

After Phelps crushed the hopes and dreams of legions of Americans and admitted that he smoked weed (just the one time!), the country clutched its collective pearls, wondering whether Phelps would be able to make a comeback from such a scandal.

And, as a result of this country’s nitwittery when it comes to the weed, Phelps was forced to issue bullshit apologies:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

In response, the United States Olympics Committee was all, “Tsk Tsk! Don’t you know you’re a role model, son!?”: (Clear the smoke and click here)

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Cops in Mexico Seize 105 TONS of Marijuana!

Not Even Snoop Dogg Could Smoke This Much Weed

ONE HUNDRED-FIVE TONS!!! Scientifically speaking, I’m pretty sure that counts as “one hundred-five metric fuck tons” of marijuana:

COPS have seized more than 105 TONS of marijuana after clashing with drug traffickers in Mexico.

Authorities say the drugs — with a street value of $335 million — were found in Tijuana following a shootout.

It is the largest haul in years and comes amid an increasingly brutal crackdown on cartels that has claimed 28,000 lives since it was launched in 2006.

Previously only 130 tons of cannabis had been confiscated over the past three years across the entire state of Baja California, home to Tijuana.

In the last year police have uncovered dozens of tunnels in the area built to move drugs to neighbouring California.

I think I got a contact high just from reading the article.

Dang.

[hilarious video after the jump] Continue reading

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IT’S A DOUBLE RAINBOW!! OH MY GOD!!!: (High Update)

I think I love this guy.

Paul Vasquez aka Yosemite Bear, the guy who is famous for his epic joy over seeing a double rainbow in Yosemite National Park, gave an interview to Urlesque.  He sounds like a pretty cool guy, actually:

“It wasn’t a big surprise to me,” he tells me. Before this video in January, Paul, also known as Hungry Bear and Yosemitebear, had uploaded over 250 videos of his life ten miles from Yosemite National Park, his stint as a cagefighter, his small business breeding Queensland Heeler puppies, the young visitors to his organic farm, and several rainbows in Yosemite. He wondered, he says, “When am I gonna go viral?”

Bear wasn’t high, by the way. It was just an intense experience. “You could feel the rays, like from the sun or from a heat lamp, only it was rainbow rays. It knocked me down. And that’s why I had that reaction! The camera only captures 40% of the color. You can’t imagine how intense it was.

“It looked like God’s eye looking at me. That’s why I had that reaction, why I said ‘What does this mean?’” It felt like a sign to Bear, who compares his farm to Noah’s Ark. (Paul raises chickens, turkeys hatched from wild eggs, breeds puppies, and cares for 25 fruit trees and three greenhouses.)

“When am I gonna go viral?” I’m used to hearing that from the makers of mediocre web shows. But I was glad to see that Bear has no agenda he’s pushing. He won’t even run ads on the video, though YouTube has offered the option. “I’m not opposed to making money, I just don’t want to degrade it or disrespect it,” he says. “This was given to me by the creator, and it’s a sacred thing, and you don’t mess up something just for money. I don’t have very much money – that’s probably why – but this is why these things come to me.”

You can read the rest of the article here. It’s cute.  He and his family are adorable.

Here’s the part of the article that made laugh right aloud:

Continue reading

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IT’S A DOUBLE RAINBOW!! OH MY GOD!!!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!


This guy is tripping.  I went to Oberlin.  I know.  He just is.  No sober man cries at the sight of a double rainbow.  He’s like the Drinking Out of Cups guy times a thousand.

If you listen to it without watching the video, it sounds like he’s ‘batin’, a la Idiocracy: “GO AWAY!  I’M ‘BATIN’!!!”

Okay, fine, this has been circulating the internets for a couple days…. but, but, BUT… have you heard the remix?

Check it out after the jump.  [It's totes worth it.]

Continue reading

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Mexican Singer El Shaka Shot Dead, Hours After Announcing He Wasn't Dead

Who you tryin’ to get crazy with, esse?  Don’t you know I’m LOCO?

This isn’t a funny story.  I shouldn’t laugh when people die.  But, remember how I’m inappropriate?  I warned you.

Apparently, the shit is going down in Mexico these days.  Obviously there are the drug cartel wars.  Also, Spring Break was just a few months ago; I hear that Cancun still has not replenished its cache of tiny test tubes.

There’s also some sort of literal Battle of the Bands going on down in Mexico, except this time, it’s not a bunch of pimply emo kids making Loud Musical Noises in some dive bar, and competing to be crowned Most Likely to Get Laid Later.  Oh, no.  This is some Serious Shit:

Sergio Vega – known as El Shaka – has been shot dead just hours after he denied reports he had been murdered.


The 40-year-old Mexican singer was shot and killed on Saturday (June 26) while driving his red Cadillac, according to Mexican media. He was on his way to a concert in Sinaloa state.


Hours before the shooting, Vega told the website La Oreja that earlier rumours and reports of his murder had been mistaken. He said he had increased his security measures after the murders of other artists.


Vega was signed to Disa Records, and his latest album, “Quién Es Usted?” peaked at No.29 on Billboard’s Top Latin Albums chart last year. His most recent single, “Millonario de Amor,” was beginning to get airplay on the regional Mexican airplay chart last month.


Vega is the latest casualty in a string of high-profile murders that have rocked the regional Mexican music world since the murder of banda singer Valentín Elizalde in November 2006. In the ensuing year, more than 10 regional Mexican musicians were murdered, including Sergio Gomez, leader of duranguense group K-Paz de la Sierra.


The following year, four members of Herederos de Sinaloa were killed in an ambush, and in 2009, the drummer for Conjunto Atardecer was shot to death in an attack that also left four others dead.


Also last year, Juan Carlos Casillas Castañeda, whose company Producciones Esperanza booked and managed regional Mexican artists, was shot to death as he left a wedding.


Most recently, on June 12, in what appears to be a case of random violence, the son of Mexican singer Joan Sebastian was killed in a bar fight. José Sebastian Figueroa was shot by a security guard outside a bar in Cuernavaca. Four years earlier, in August, 2006, another of Sebastian’s sons, Trigo Figuero, was shot and killed after a concert by his father in Texas.

Um, Mexico?  I don’t mean to interrupt… but… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?  This reads like a movie script written by an eight year-old.

It’s like Blade Runner meets La Bamba.


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Michael Douglas's Son is Going to Jail, Y'all!

Drugs are a helluva drug.

Actually, Cameron Douglas isn’t going to jail.  He’s staying in jail–for 5 more years. Last summer, Cameron Douglas got busted with mad meth, yo.

And then while he was in jail, his girlfriend tried to smuggle some heroin in a toothbrush while Cameron was under house detention.  Way to go, Cam!  That’s Winehouse thinking, right there!

Well, apparently the past eight months have sobered him up.  Or, at least, that’s what Gramps Douglas and Lady Zeta-I’m-still-40-Jones said told the judge.  The judge was wowed by the celebrity of Cameron’s parents took pity on Cameron and sentenced him to 5 years less than the mandatory minimum of 10 years.  Apparently, mandatory minimum sentences aren’t mandatory anymore.

A New York judge today sentenced Cameron Douglas to 5 years in prison after he admitted to dealing large quantities of methamphetamine and cocaine from the city’s swanky Hotel Gansevoort. Michael’s Ex-Wife Diandra was also in court.


Judge Richard Berman handed out the lesser sentence after reading letters appealing for leniency from the former DJ’s famous father Michael Douglas, his grandfather Kirk Douglas, and his step-mom Welsh star Catherine Zeta Jones.

Michael Douglas’ letter to the judge talked about a family history of drug and alcohol problems and “the pressure of finding your own identity with a famous father.”


Jail has done wonders for Cameron Douglas, his famous dad, Michael, wrote in his heartfelt letter to the Judge Berman.


“For the past eight months, I have cherished my two hours a week in person conversation with Cameron at the MCC [Metropolitan Correctional Center]. He’s sober!” Douglas wrote to Judge Richard Berman.


“I get to witness the wonderful young man he can be – he maintains his spirit, blames no one but himself, and recognizes his criminal activity began with his heroin use,” the Wall Street star wrote.

I wonder if writing a letter is all Michael Douglas did to persuade the judge.  I’m not sure it is.  I think he might have threatened to bust the judge upside the head with his BIGASS phone.


"When I get a hold of the son of a bitch who leaked this, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull."


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Tiger Woods: Addiction to Sex, Vicodin and… Ambien???

What the biscuits? ts-tiger-woods-flexing

Well, we all knew it was coming.  It’s the celebrity way.  Call someone a faggot, or a nigger, or a sugartits (so sweet and tasty!), and just go to rehab!  That’s how celebrities get it done:

In a last-ditch effort to save his marriage, a shell-shocked Tiger Woods will check into rehab to seek treatment for his sexual compulsions and prescription drug use, insiders have told The Enquirer exclusively. The disgraced golfing great agreed to get help at an Arizona clinic after spending the Christmas holiday with his family, say sources. The serial cheater’s decision to get therapy is part of a deal struck with his stunning wife Elin to persuade her not to dump him.

“Elin gave Tiger an ultimatum — seek treatment or forget all about winning her back,” revealed an insider. “Rehab is at the top of the list of things he must do. Tiger will be going into rehab in early January to treat his sexual compulsion and his use of the drugs Ambien and Vicodin.”

First of all, ambien?

Second of all, ambien?  REALLY?

Finally, I’ve never understood the obsession with forcing people to go to rehab just for acting like an asshole.  Are they going to some sort of Asshat Ashram?  Are they sitting in the lotus position while chanting ohm mani padme so sorry for being an asshat Seriously, y’all.  Where is this Asshat Retreat?  I know a couple people who should go there.  Hell, I ought to go there every once in a while.

Cripes.

Tiger has really stepped in it, hasn’t he?  He was this goody two shoes-lookin’ fool and now I look at him and all I think is strippers, and whores, and golf, oh my!   And really, when was the last time you thought “golf” and immediately thought “whores”?

Never?

That’s what I thought.

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Weed. Delicious Tasty Weed.

Ganja Gourmet.  Stonier than the Frugal Gourmet.  Pairs Well With Fraggle Rock. weedstamp

I’m packing my bags and moving to Denver y’all.  Why?  Ganja Gourmet, a new restaurant serving weed-based cuisine opened on Wednesday.  You can munch while you have the munchies!

A medical marijuana dispensary in Denver has decided to get creative and make the business into a full-service restaurant that caters to those who need to use medicinal marijuana to ease physical ailments.

The owner of Ganja Gourmet located at 1810 South Broadway Avenue said the restaurant will “aim to help distribute medicinal marijuana to those licensed to have it and provide an atmosphere where patients can visit with one another in a safe environment.”

Ganja Gourmet plans to offer lasagna, gourmet pizza, jambalaya, paella, chocolate mousse and flavored cheesecakes, among other gourmet dishes.

In other weed news, a friend told me about an iPhone app called “iPot.”  It shows all the medical marijuana dispensaries in one’s neighborhood.  I downloaded the free version, “iPot Lite,” and was totally shocked to discover (ok “shocked to discover” may not be the right phrase… it was more like “I was totally…oh my god, is that pizza!?!?!) that there are eleventy-five hundred mary jane markets in my immediate vicinity.

Sadly, I don’t have glaucoma… yet.

When the War on Weed is over, somebody call me.  In the meantime, this burrito is really good.

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Andre Agassi Admits to Using Crystal Meth

Laments Hair Loss ts-andre_agassi_01a

Andre Agassi, formerly long-haired tennis hottie has a new book coming out, and his book deals with his use of crystal meth and his tragic hair loss.  One can’t help but wonder whether the two are related.

According to People,

Agassi’s book, Open, details his descent into drug use, as well as his hair loss, his troubled marriage to Brooke Shields and the love he eventually found with his current wife, Steffi Graf.

Cripes, squeeple.   Andre Agassi?  Crystal Meth?  Really?  I was pretty damn shocked to find out that the fruit of Michael Douglas’s loins is a meth head, but now Andre Agassi?

I also am now curious how much of his book deals with hair loss.  I guess his hair loss was a watershed moment for him.  He won Wimbledon in 1992, lost his hair somewhere between 1993 and 1997, and then decided to drown his Wimblesorrows in a pool of speed.  …the hell?  Why?  Who knows.  Maybe all his tennis mojo was in his hair.

ts-agassi

You look better bald. David Lee Roth hair is a crime.


This raises a question for me.

What’s the deal with men and their fear of  baldness? Why are you men so afraid of losing your hair? And when you do start to lose your hair, why do you feel the need to make yourselves looks like jackasses by combing it over and swirling it around to cover the bald spot? Toupees, spray on hair, hair plugs… why, why, WHY!?

JUST SHAVE YOUR DAMN HEAD! MIRITE, LADIES?

I’m looking at you, Jude Law.

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