You might well imagine that armed with this information, I proceeded to the YouTube. Whereupon I found the following piece of sheer delight: Captain Claw singing the undeniably catchy “When You’ve Got to Go” song.
I’m not Canadian, and though I’ve recently tried to get a little bit more abreast of Canadian politics and culture (starting with the wonderful Canada! How does it work?, by Canadian extraordinaire Michelle Dean, at The Awl), I will confess that I had only the vaguest notion of who Jack Layton was before he died of cancer this week at age 61.
Who he was, was leader of the opposition New Democratic Party, but by all accounts, Jack Layton was also much more than that. I’m only beginning to learn, but I’ve learned enough to wish that I could have voted for him, and that he might still be alive and well up north of me, making the world a better, more loving place.
I say “loving” because my internet friend corkingiron tells me that Mr. Layton apparently advised the men with whom he worked to use words like “love” and “compassion” and “nurture” more often, and the barrage of quotes that Mr. Layton’s admirers are now sending around the internet feature the word “love” quite a lot. Love — in politics. Now that is a concept to bring tears of gratitude to my eyes.
Oh for the love of biscuits. Seriously? No, really. SERIOUSLY?! He is 16 years old. What the fuck has he done in 16 years that warrants a book? Oh yeah, nothing. It’s just going to be packed with pictures of him with his hat on sideways, throwin’ up peace signs, and brushing his stupid hair, and every parent to a daughter with Bieber fever is going to be pestered by “Please, can you buy it for me! Please! Please! Couldja couldja couldja couldja??!!!” until the only recourse will be to buy the book or set your kid on fire:
Honestly, we might as well all just kill ourselves right now. A Justin Bieber biopic is rumored to be in the works. It’ll be like 8 Mile but with less Detroit, more Canada, less real bacon, more fake bacon, and sixty percent more bowls of stupid hair:
HollywoodLife.com can exclusively confirm that a script similar to the 2002 film 8 Mile is in development – and close to completion! “There currently isn’t a final script, but just like Eminem did in 8 Mile, Justin will star!” an industry insider tells us.
There’s one catch, though. Given JB’s small stature, studio execs are joking that the upcoming film “should be called 4 Mile, or Half Mile,” laughed our insider.
The Biebster first professed his desire to star in a movie to Teen Vogue back in April, telling the magazine, “We’re trying to set up a movie for me in the near future—it’s going to be similar to the story of how I got discovered – kinda like my own version of 8 Mile.”
So what should you expect from the 16-year-old singer’s feature? Eminem’s 2002 art-imitating-life flick was about a young rapper growing up in Detroit, including his alcoholic mom issues, struggle with drugs and burgeoning career.
If Justin’s film is similar to HIS life, expect to see Biebs reveal his loneliness at growing up with a single mom, his tough life on the streets in Canada (we kid) and how, after promoting himself shamelessly on YouTube, Usher and Justin Timberlake fought tooth and nail for the young singer. Oh yeah, and Kim Kardashian should totally cameo!
HA HA! 4 Mile! How clever! LOL out loud!
Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from stabbing the nearest Canadian…
...or the nearest black person.
[Video after the jump. I don't recommend watching it. Unless you want to set yourself on fire as I have just done.]
Like, duh. She’s, like, totally famous for her immemorable roles. She was… Blonde Girl #2, in that one movie. You know, the one where the girl does the thing and then everyone is all, “LOL.” And, who could forget her breakout role in She’s the Man?
But that’s not even the craziest part! Just minutes before the news of her sudden retirement from acting shocked the cool kid table during fourth period lunch***, she dropped this bombshell on us:
What the crap? You can’t just tweet news like that with no warning, chicky! You have to make sure people are sitting down first; that they are ready to read that the former star of That Show With All Those People In It Whatsit Called? I Can’t Remember! likes black men is very attracted to them just fyi.
I mean, really, Amanda. Have some consideration for your fan!
News like that is like a punch to the ham wallet It’s hard to take just fyi.
***There are too people who attend high school at 4 a.m. I don’t make the news, I just make it up.