Tag Archives: blow your shit up

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert: The only people who are *this* vehemently anti-gay are gay.

Countdown to Gohmert gay sex scandal in 3… 2 … 1 

This evening, the House voted to approve a stand-alone measure that would allow the Senate to do jack shit repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Almost everybody either actively wants DADT to be repealed, or actively doesn’t give a crap whether or not it’s repealed.

Service members have been surveyed. Pentagon studies have been conducted and re-conducted.  The American people have been polled, re-polled, and omni-polled.    Pepaw McCain has been reanimated to voice his ghoulish disapproval.

And the consensus is clear: Repeal this stupid fucking law already.

But good ol’ Louie Gohmert (R-Tex) ain’t havin’ it.  He’s downright concerned, y’all.  This time, he’s not concerned about the little brown terrorists that are breeding in the wombs of every Muslin Puerto Mexican woman, incubating-in-wait until they are fully formed and ready to blow our shit up. (He has evidence!  Anker babiezz are ferreals, y’all! It’s already happening!)

No, citizens.  This time, he’s worried about the utter destruction of civilization as we know it.

You know how they always say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day?” Well, what they don’t want you to know is that Rome was brought down by the gay.1

But Gohmert knows.  He knows that the repeal of DADT will be the downfall of these United States.  This country is going to explode with gay, and we will all be doomed to live our lives in a ring of eternal fire and ass-less chaps.

Our United States flag will no longer be red white and blue; it will be ROYGBIV; and instead of stars and stripes, bedazzled glittery shiny thingies will grace the flag.

He is dead serious about this: If you homos can’t control your hormones, we are all going to die in a hot gay fire; so get it together, will you?

GOHMERT: To my friend who said that history would judge us poorly, I would submit if you would look thoroughly at history — and I’m not saying it’s cause and effect — but when militaries throughout history of the greatest nations in the world have adopted the policy that “fine for homosexuality to be overt” — you can keep it private and control your hormones fine, if you can’t, that’s fine too — they’re toward the end of their existence as a great nation.

[videos after the jump] Continue reading

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Still With the Mosque Business: George W. Bush was “Palin’ Around” With Terrorists

Shocking, isn’t it?

Still with the mosque business?  Jesus H. Bieber.  I wanted to write a lighthearted piece about Tiger Woods getting a divorce or something, but the asshattery persists and so must I.

Today, Karen Hughes, George W. Bush’s campaign director and BFF, wrote an op-ed in which she stated that the mosque should be moved to promote unity:

That’s why I believe it is so important that Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf and his congregation make what I fully understand would be a very difficult choice: to locate their mosque elsewhere. Putting the mosque at a different site would demonstrate the uncommon courtesy sometimes required for us to get along in our free and diverse society.

I recognize that I am asking the imam and his congregation to show a respect that has not always been accorded to them. But what a powerful example that decision would be. Many people worry that this debate threatens to deepen resentments and divisions in America; by choosing a different course, Rauf could provide a path toward the peaceful relationships that he and his fellow Muslims strive to achieve. And this gesture of goodwill could lead us to a more thoughtful conversation to address some of the ugliness this controversy has engendered.

::head explodes::

Yes, let’s promote unity — “an undivided or unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting” — by telling those stupid towelheads to take their wacky religious beliefs and get the hell out — WAY OUT! — because a bunch of idiots, ignorants, and indifferents won’t take the time to do their fucking homework and recognize that this mosque business is a non-issue that is being blown way the fuck out of proportion by Fox News and the extreme right.

No.  They gotsta go.  And we gotsta cater to intolerance.  I mean, it would be such a powerful example of respect if the Imam chose to move the pesky mosque, wouldn’t it?  It would promote unity!

Except it won’t because moving the mosque is the exact opposite of unity:

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An Angry Black Take on the Ground Zero Mosque Debate, Facebook-Style

It is pure unadulterated bullshit being perpetrated by a media machine that has anything but the interests of the American people in mind.

Seriously?  With the mosque business? What.the.fuck.  I know 68% of people out there disagree with building a “mosque” at Ground Zero, but I’m willing to bet My Left Foot1 that if the facts (not propaganda and fear tactics), the facts were presented to each person comprising that 68%, at least half of them would change their mind.

The facts are, it is not a mosque.  It is a cultural center that has a mosque in it.  Christians have the YMCA (it’s really fun to stay there, apparently) and Jewish folk have the JCC (Jewish peeps were smart enough not to let a dude in an Indian headdress have anything to do with a song about their community organization), right?  Well, Muslims want their own community center.  A community center with a basketball court and maybe a pool and whatever else community centers normally have.

I know that both the YMCA and the JCC have summer camp programs.  (I went to a YMCA camp from the age of 6, until they kicked me out for smoking cigarettes on camp grounds when I was 17 years old, only to be asked back as a staff member when I was 18 years old.  Drunk Good times.)  And even though I’m not and never have been particularly religious, I never once felt like my summer camp was trying to shove Jesus down my throat.  It was about having fun with kids my age in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.  (And later, drinking wine coolers with kids my age in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.)

And you know what?  I bet if the Park 51 Muslim Center were to have a summer camp program open to all kids of whatever religion, those kids who attend, especially non-Muslim kids, might learn a thing or two about Muslim culture and tolerance.  They might learn that not all Muslims are terrorists.  (And not all Muslims are our President.)

But, as Gladstone at Cracked.com so eloquently put it:

A mosque by definition is a purely religious structure. This is a large proposed community center, open to the public and set to house, among other things, a basketball court. Yes there will be a prayer space inside it as well, but you don’t call St. Mary’s Hospital a church because it happens to have a chapel inside it, do you? Well, maybe you do. You read about politics on the Internet from a guy who claims not to write about politics, so maybe you’re functionally illiterate. But the point is, you shouldn’t.

But “Islamic Community Center open to the public” doesn’t have the same ability to scare people the way “mosque” does. I mean, you hear “mosque” you think mosquito, you think STING! You hear “mosque” you think “mask,” you think DECEPTION! You hear “community center” you think “OK. One more place I’ll never go.” So, yeah, clearly the decision was made by those who hate you to call this the “Ground Zero Mosque” even though it’s not at Ground Zero and not technically a mosque. Why are we still discussing this? Why haven’t you already asked Sarah Palin if she’s the devil on her Twitter account? Oh, that’s right. Because the devil is supposed to be good at lying.

The Asshats on the Right have made this cultural center their electoral issue.  And, with Fox News’ “fair and balanced” assistance, they have whipped the American public up into a right frenzy.  And what’s more, they know exactly what they are doing, because they are cunning, and they are dishonest, and they think Americans are too stupid, too lazy, or too busy to ferret out the truth.

They repeat the same talking points over and over and over until they seep into the American consciousness and then at some point the talking points become facts and those “facts” become indisputable truth.  And if you disagree, then you hate America and you want more Americans to die at the hands of Muslims who are right now at this moment planning to blow your shit up.

I got myself all worked up into a frenzy over this on Friday because it makes me extremely angry.  Not angry at the people who may have had some reservations about a mosque being built at ground zero.  But, angry at the people — the media — who do nothing to correct this misperception.  It is not a mosque.  And it is not at Ground Zero.  And that is the truth.

What I find most offensive is that these purported constitutionalists — these lovers of freedom — have proven that they only love the freedom that they want.  They only want the government to stay out of social issues that affect them. But when it comes to people and Constitution-ey stuff that they don’t like?  All of a sudden, they are more than willing to take a giant dump on the Constitution.

Again, from Gladstone at Cracked:

But the real reason I’m writing is not just because of people like Sarah Palin, but because of shameful, spineless panderers like Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Here’s a statement from each of them designed to give the appearance of being tolerant while adhering to good old-fashioned common sense values:

From Sarah Palin’s Twitter Feed:

“We all know that they have the right to do it, but should they?”

And from Harry Reid’s spokesperson:

While respecting that Muslims have a First Amendment right to religious freedom, Reid “thinks this mosque should be built some place else,” his spokesman Jim Manley said Monday.

Let me make something clear. In order to make these statements you must hate two things: logic and America. There is NO way to say that an individual has a protected right to do something and simultaneously criticize your government for not suppressing the execution of that right. There is no way for President Obama or any other president to put a stumbling block in the way of the free exercise of religion without violating the sanctity of that freedom. Should I say it more simply? OK.

You can’t legally stop people from obeying the law.

The Burlington Coat factory is private property. Those who want to build on it are private citizens. They are violating no law in wanting to build a community center. Under what authority do you propose we stop them? There is no “unless you’re a Muslim within X yards of a national tragedy exception” to the free exercise of religion. Do the Gingrichs and Palins and Reids want to start a precedent where you can compel people not to exercise the freedoms guaranteed under our Constitution provided enough people don’t like you?

So listen up, 68%.  You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t want to be free to exercise your religion yet at the same time want to hinder another American’s right to the free exercise of his or her religion.  It’s logically inconsistent, i.e., really fucking dumb.

My point here is not just to repost most of the Cracked article (which is amazing, by the way), but also to repost snippets from a thread from my friend’s Facebook wall: [It's a long'un, but well worth reading.]

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Orly Taitz the Birther Queen: Rejected by Clarence Thomas. CLARENCE THOMAS!!

CLARENCE THOMAS!!!!111 That’s got to sting a little.

Really? Someone started a website? Of course they did.

So, Orly Taitz is crazy.  That’s been established.  You all know Orly Taitz.  I told y’all about her crazy ass and her crazy ass lawsuits against Obama and how she thinks he’s a secret Muslim or whatever; and how her crazy ass got called out by Judge Clay Land, and then how Judge Land slapped a $20,000 sanction on her crazy ass for continuing to be a crazy ass despite being ordered to stop being a crazy ass.

Basically, she is one of the few asshats out there who is insisting that Obama is some Muslim Sleeper President who was born in some Kenyan jungle far far away (local legend has it he was born in a banyan tree!), then magically transported to some white lady’s uterus in Indonesia where he received his in utero terrorist training.  (You think a fetus can’t hold a rocket launcher?  THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!)

After twelve months of gestation, these baby terrorists come shooting out of their mother’s terror-hole, ready to start blowing our shit up.

Yes, it’s a twelve-month gestation period; it’s three more than usual because of the mandatory two-month long “Awakening Period.”  During the Awakening Period, the baby is removed from the uterus and left in the jungle for sixty days.  If the baby is still there when its masterminds creators parents return, then the baby is magically transported back into the womb where it undergoes a one-month-long “Rejuvenation Process.” (Do you know how hard it is for a baby to fend for itself in the jungle?  What with its head wobbling about and such?  It needs some time to rest.)  These babies are the chosen ones.1

Obama is one of the chosen babies.  All of that stuff I just said totally happened to him!  And then something else happened, that other thing happened and OMIGOD HE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES EVERYBODY PICNICK !!!11  HE’S GOING TO TURN US INTO SOCIALIST FASCIST MUSLIMS AND THEN EAT OUR BRAYYYYYNES!!!

Okay, none of that stuff happens.  Jay Kay.  Orly Taitz doesn’t actually believe that stuff either, but what she does believe is just as absurd:

Birther extraordinaire Orly Taitz is still trying to have the Supreme Court reverse a $20,000 fine imposed on her by a lower judge, even after the court denied her appeal earlier this week.

Taitz has filed a “motion for reconsideration” with the court, according to documents posted on her web site, claiming that she has new evidence that President Obama is not an American citizen.

According to Taitz, there’s new evidence in the latest edition of “West Wing Week,” a lighthearted weekly video produced by the White House. In the latest edition, posted on Aug. 12, an aide shows viewers the president’s passport to answer a question about whether he gets stamps when he travels.

Taitz claims the footage proves the passport is doctored.

Further, she claims that the White House forged the passport and made the video in order to sabotage her case and “improperly influence this honorable court.”

“Obama attempted to influence the decision of this Honorable court as well as the decision of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals and further persecute political dissident Attorney Dr. Orly Taitz and cause her to pay $20,000 of sanctions, endanger her law license and cause her severe emotional distress,” Taitz writes.

Taitz is fighting a $20,000 fine imposed on her last fall by a federal judge in Ohio, a judge who was frustrated with her constant frivolous lawsuits claiming Obama is not a legitimate president.

She is also asking the court to hold hearings on the president’s legitimacy and to order payment for her personal suffering.

As for the fine she has thus far refused to pay, she appealed it first to the circuit court and then to the Supreme Court. She first applied to Justice Clarence Thomas, who refused to even hear the case, then Justice Samuel Alito, who — as is standard practice at the court — forwarded it to the full court. The court denied it without comment.

Her personal suffering?  I want payment for my personal suffering, dagnabbit!  I have to suffer these xenophobic racist asshats who scurry about like cockroaches trying to uncover new evidence about Obama’s secret Eskimo love child and whether or not that love child is a terrorist and OH MY GOD ESKIMOEZ ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU!

::eyeroll::

Here’s a little snippet from her brief if you really want to get right in there and soak in the crazy:

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Louie Gohmert (R-Tex): Still Fucking Crazy.

Seriously, Texas.  Get it together.  You’re approaching Arizona levels of crazy.

Louie Gohmert is nuts.  And shouty.  Remember how I told you that Gohmert was convinced that Muslim babies are going to blow us to high heaven?  Well, Anderson Cooper aka the Silver Fox talked to some FBI guys about it, and they were all, “WTF?!  That doesn’t even make any sense.  It is an unsubstantiated claim.”

But, Louie Gohmert doesn’t need any stupid FBI to tell him what he already knows.  There is a gaping hole!  In security!  It exists and no FBI Man is gonna tell him that said gaping hole doesn’t exist.  (Sidenote: What is the deal with conservatives and their concerns about gaping holes?  It’s a little weird, is what I’m sayin’.)

Gohmert knows what he knows.  He has evidence that terror babies or anchor babies are being bred to come and blow our asses up!  Well, he doesn’t have any evidence per se, but he, like really really totally believes that brown babies are the devil’s minions and need to be DESTROYED before they DESTROY US.

Jon Stewart?  Take it away!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Jon Stewart & Anderson Cooper Look at Gaping Holes – Security<a>
www.thedailyshow.com

[watch Gohmert in his full shouty glory(hole) with Anderson Cooper after the jump] Continue reading

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World Killing Event: The BP Disaster May End Life on Earth

No seriously, we’re all gonna die.

So apparently, the BP disaster is going to kill us all.  Like, seriously.

I’ve been sitting here staving off my increasing annoyance over the whole Jezebel/Daily Show debacle this week.  Meanwhile, none of it may matter because we’re all about to die.

So, you know how BP and the federal government have been arresting journalists and photographers who try to document the clusterfuck that is going down in the Gulf right now because of the Deepwater Horizon explosion from three months ago?  (You remember the oil spill, don’t you?  Yeah, it’s still gushing.)

Well, apparently, according to some scientisty-type people, the media lockout is to prevent all of us hapless assholes from finding out that the shit is going down in a major way.

The BP disaster may have triggered what anyone who has seen the movie Deep Impact knows is called an Extinction Level Event, or “ELE,” or “Ellie” if you want to be really anti-feminist and blame the end of the fucking world on vaginas.

An extinction level event is a world-killer — something of apocalyptic proportions that literally causes the end of life on Earth:

  • 251 million years ago, we had the Permian Extinction Event.  Some scary geological crap happened; a huge ass methane bubble erupted from the Earth, which basically blew up almost everything and then poisoned everything that was left.  96 percent of life on Earth was destroyed.
  • 55 million years later (i.e., 196 million years ago), there was the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum Extinction Event.  (By the way, who is coming up with the names of this shit?: “Dude, did you hear about the Mega Extreme Triple Throw Down All Up in Your Mom’s Face Extinction Event?  That one was tiiiiiight!”)
  • During the LPTME Event, some more methane decided to erupt from the Earth and wipe out a bunch of life for 100,000 years straight.   What a dick.  It couldn’t wipe everything out in one fell swoop.  Oh no!  It had to go and terrify for one hundred thousand years, all the species that managed to pop back up after the Permian Extinction Event (or the species that, you know, just popped up all fresh out of the genetic box after the Permian Extinction Event; I don’t know how it all works — evolution ???? –  all I know is that I’ve seen an elephant but I’ve never seen a wooly mammoth; think about that!)

    Imagine how unmotivated a species that lived through the first ELE must have been during the next ELE.  It’s like, “Hey, wanna go gather some nuts?”  “Nah, what’s the point, dude.  We’re going to get extinctified anyway.  I’m just gonna hang out by this half-burnt tree over here.”

Well, looks like those asshats at BP may have triggered some scary geological crap that is going to lead to more methane spewing from the Earth and burning our asses up.  Here’s what it boils down to:

BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling operation may have triggered an irreversible, cascading geological Apocalypse that will culminate with the first mass extinction of life on Earth in many millions of years.

You can read all about it here — Some dude at Northwestern University, Gregory Riskin, has a theory about the oceans periodically producing massive eruptions of explosive methane gas, and then the Earth’s decision to periodically fart that gas in all of our faces, thus causing our faces to melt off and DIE.

The warning signs of this sort of ELE are: (1) the appearance of large fissures splitting up the ocean floor; (2) a rise in the elevation of the seabed; and (3) venting of methane and other gases into surrounding waters.

Guess how many of those warning signs are all happening now?  Go ahead and guess?

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Unborn Muslim Babies Want to Blow Up America, Warns Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert

All pregnant brown women should be detained and waterboarded.

I WANT TO MOLESTER MOAR ANCHOR BABIEZZZ!!!

I’m going to tell you about something. Your first inclination might be to say, “Get the fuck out of here.” But no. I most certainly will not get the fuck out of here. Why? Because I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Are you ready?

You should sit down. You should also clear your immediate vicinity of anything that might spill, you should put down anything that might break, and you should swallow any liquid that may be in your mouth.

Seriously.

You’ve been warned.

OK, here we go:

Texas Representative Asshat Louie Gohmert (R [duh!]-TX [shocking!]) gave a speech on the House floor in which he — and I’m not kidding — warned that there is a Muslim baby conspiracy plot. Pregnant Muslim women are infiltrating the United States so they can give birth to their babies in this country, and then when the babies reach full adulthood terroristhood, these baby harbingers of terror, death, and destruction will be returned to their home country (Gohmert doesn’t specify where — presumably some scary place like Islamofascistan or Hawaii), where they will undergo rigorous training to hone their Terrorist Skillz.

And this is where it gets scary; these terrorists who have literally been bred for terror — these superterrorists, if you will — are going to return to the United States (because they were American-born, you see, and therefore can get all up inside America, hassle-free), and they are promptly going to blow our shit up:

In a speech on the floor of the House last week Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert warned about an insidious plot by terror organizations to infiltrate the US with pregnant woman.

According to Gohmert, the plan is that women would give birth to terrorist babies who can then return to wreak havoc on the US once they come of age.

“It appeared that [the terrorists] would have young women, who became pregnant, would get them into the United States to have a baby,” Gohmert said. “And then they would turn back where they could be raised and coddled as future terrorists.”

Gohmert cited a retired FBI agent as his inside source on the baby conspiracy plot.

“And then one day, twenty, thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life,” he said.

Gohmert also decried the federal government’s response to state actions against illegal immigration.

The Obama administration recently announced that they will file a lawsuit to strike down Arizona’s tough new immigration law.

Arizona may also introduce new legislation that targets “anchor babies” – a term for children of illegal immigrants.

The Texas Republican thinks these babies may destroy us in the end.

“They figured out how stupid we are being in this country to allow our enemies to game our system,” Gohmert said. “We won’t do anything about it we’ll even sue a state that tries to do something about it.”

ARE YOU LISTENING, CITIZENS!?!?

BROWN ANCHOR BABIES ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!!!

This is happening, people. This is not a drill.

Look around you. Do you see any pregnant brown people? REPORT THEM. Their uteri contain the next Al Qaeda disciples! They are terrorists breeders! And they must be stopped at all costs.

[video of the asshattery and a bonus video after the jump]

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