Category Archives: AsiangrrlMN’s Prez/VP Bid

Prithee, My Good Gentle-readers. Live-Blogging the GOP Debate Tonight, Edu-macated Style.

Posted on December 15, 2011 by | 4 Comments

Greetings, my good  gentle-readers.  If you hearken back to my last scribblings on the erudite interchange between the erstwhile hopeful nominees in the party of the venal, er, venerable Ronald Regan, I was informed that I was a dumb f* – by the way if one cannot bring oneself to type “dumbfuck” then perhaps one should find an acceptable substitute that does not offend one’s delicate sensitivities, yes? – for not affording the property dignity to such an important occasion.  I unkindly told said commenter to go fuck him/herself**, and while I still stand by that sentiment, I have taken his/her admonishments to heart.  Therefore, I will treat this debate sponsored by Fox News, well-renowned for being fair and balanced and shit–take mushrooms***, with all the pomp and circumstance that it deserves.  So, I shall slip on my smoking jacket, tamp down the tobacco in my briar pipe, and gently swirl the cognac in my brandy snifter as I proffer thoughtful commentary of the GOP debate tonight.

Important information, I have a tai chi class until 7:30 p.m., asiangrrlMN**** time, and the debate is only livestreaming on FoxNews.com, starting at 8 p.m., asiangrrlMN time.  Therefore, I will probably have to join the shenanigans already in process.  I highly doubt I will miss anything of import, but if I do, you must all inform me as I will schedule this to post at 7:45 p.m.  In other words, we will be doing this bollocks live, whether I am present or not.
(Pray, good people, follow the jump for more erudite discussion)

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Live-Blogging the Umpteenth GOP Debate: National Security/Foreign Policy Edition

Posted on November 22, 2011 by | 16 Comments

What’s the over/under on how long it takes for me to bail? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Really, GOP? Another debate, so soon? I hardly have time to regret that I missed the one on Saturday*. By the time I found out it was on like Donkey Kong**, I couldn’t be stuffed to live-blog it.  It may seem like this is easy and effortless, but it’s not.  Well, OK, in comparison to most of my posts, these are a breeze, but still.  I would actually had to have set up a post, found a pic to set the mood and, worst of all, watched the damn debate.  So, I skipped it.

Now, I find out from the Twitter Machine that there is another debate tonight.  I have had a shitty couple of days and decided that I needed a distraction.  Thus, I will start watching the debate tonight and see how long I can last.  Since, as I noted, it’s been a shitty past couple of days, I’m going to have my emergency bottle of Maker’s Mark at hand – gotta buy some more PEPCID AC, h/t ABL and all her Asian friends for this pro tip on how to beat the allergic reaction – and I’m going to drink every time I hear a lie.  Since I’m not a drinker, I’m leaving out the half-truths, exaggerations, and lying by omissions, but I have a feeling I’ll be fucked up by three minutes in, anyway.   I want to try to tough out the entire debate, but I make no promises I don’t know if I can keep.  IMPORTANT NOTE:  As I am allergic to alcohol and the sole moderator of this blog post, I will determine when I need to cut myself off and switch over to water for my health.  You more experienced drinkers are welcome to keep chugging.

Here’s a video I posted last year that still rings true, and it cracks me up every time I hear it.  I Didn’t Fuck It Up, by Katie Goodman.  h/t, Kat, my bestie IRL.


(Click for more clown car hilarity)

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asiangrrlMN Girds Her Loins to Live-Blog the Eleven-Billiontieth-and-One Televised GOP Debate: How Long Will She Last This Time?

Posted on November 9, 2011 by | 10 Comments

Let the show begin!

Hello, bitchez. Tonight, we have yet another clown-car debate on whatever topic it doesn’t really matter because it all boils down to OBAMA SUCKS! As a stealth candidate, I am contractually obligated* to at least try to watch this shit-fest tonight and see if I can glean anything from it. Oh, the Googles tells me that tonight’s nominal subject is the economy, but we know that doesn’t matter. Santorum will turn it into a platform for hating teh gayz; Ron Paul for hating teh fedz; Bachmann for hating/loving the prez; Cain will try his best not to answer any questions about the sexual harassment/assault accusations leveled at him; and I just want to see Governors Good Hairs come to actual blows. My monies are on Perry ‘coz I bet he’d fight dirty. Oh, I also want to see which candidate implodes on stage. This is my plan – let them all decimate each other and themselves, then sweep in and be the great white black brown yellow hope!

By the way, I was driving behind an SUV on the freeway last night, and it had a Ron Paul 2012 bumper sticker on it.  I wanted to tell the guy to get the fuck off the publicly-funded freeway, but I restrained myself.

Drinking game:  Any time President Obama is mentioned either by name or just “the PRESIDENT”, DRINK!  You should be nicely hammered from all the Bachmann “Obaaaaahmacare” statements alone.
(Join the merriment by clicking, damn it!)

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asiangrrlMN Checking Out Her Competition: Liveblogging the GOP Debates*

Posted on October 18, 2011 by | 9 Comments

Holla.  So, we’re on GOP debate eleven-billionty, and I’ve only watched part of the first one.  A day later.  I feel remiss in that I’m actually running for the nom, so I should get a bead on my clown competition distinguished opponents, amirite?  So.  We’ll see how long I last and how far I can roll my eyes into the back of my head.

Are y’all ready for some GOP debates?  It’s on!  Oh, and drink every time the crowd cheers inappropriately.

7:09 p.m.** Introductions.  Wow.  The shiitake is already deep.  Oh, Toad Man, sinking so low already?  Crazy Lady from MN, oh nooooooo!

Is it just me, or does Michele Bachmann’s voice come from another world?  Almost as grating as Palin’s, but with added zeal.

What the fajitas is your plan, Bachmann?

Oh, Cain.  Fair does not mean what you think it does.  But, you do speak well.

Frothy Mix wants single people to pay more as a penalty for not marrying and not having kids?  Nice!

Cain:  My facts support my statements!

Methinks Bachmann has been giving some talking pooooints!

Good Hair:  End of the week?!?  Why the Damascus figs not now?  And, he’s not your brother, brother.

Mad-Eye:  NO MORE TAX NO MORE SPENDING MOMMMY HOLD ME!
(Click for more of the clown car candidates)

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GOP Prez Candidate asiangrrlMN is Back and Confident: She Can Outcrazy Them All!

Posted on September 13, 2011 by | 4 Comments

Greetings, bitchez.  I know I’ve been gone awhile, causing speculation that my campaign bid to be the craziest person in the land GOP presidential nominee has been abandoned.  Oh, I’ve heard the rumors about me fleeing to Canada*.  I’ve heard the scuttlebutt that I’m not serious about my campaign just because I haven’t filed official papers, hired an official team, come up with an official slogan or official logo, or appeared in any of the official debates.   Stuff and nonsense, says I.  I’ve been laying low on purpose so I can scout out my opposition.  Plus, I took a leaf out of Newt’s playbook and took a vacation because I don’t want to wear myself out this early in the game.   As for me not having a staff, at least that means mine didn’t quit on me en masse as Newt’s did; I consider that a big positive for me!  Speaking of the toad, did he quit yet?  Hm.  The Googley tells me no.  You know who did quit, though?  Ratface Pawlenty.  I take particularly vicious glee in this news, even though it seems very probable that he’s angling for a VP slot–most likely with Mittens.

Continue reading →

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I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That): How Far Will I Go to Reelect Obama? (POLL INCLUDED!)

Posted on June 20, 2011 by | 15 Comments

UPDATE:  (Yes, already). PROTIPZ had a good point about the public events.  He said that if I caused a fuss, it would be reported as a disgruntled Obama supporter stirring up shit at a Republican event.  I don’t want that.  So, while I am leaving the public options (see what I did there?) in the poll, I’m thinking of a slightly different tact.  If I were to go to the Mall, for example, as Allan pointed out below, Bristol is parting ways with her mother.  It might be interesting to explore that.  Or, another good suggestion by PROTIPZ is that I volunteer for realz for the Bachmann campaign and have people pledge to match hours working for OFA.  Then, I can do exposés as to the underpinnings of the Republican machine. And, perhaps, I can learn something about local conservatives, too. Yeah, it’s not as funny, but it could be as interesting. For you. For me? Torture.

Anyway, just something to chew on as you vote and/or suggest other ideas.
END of UPDATE!

Hello, Angry Black Ladies.  I have a brilliant idea that I would like to share with you.  Admittedly, it’s not MY brilliant idea, but as long as I give proper credit, I can claim it, amirite*?

Anyhoooooo, I was chilling on the Twitter Machine this afternoon bemoaning my lack of will to blog.    I asked my Twit peeps for an idea that would get me juiced to write about politics again, and PROTIPZ (check him out.  He’s foul-mouthed and HILARIOUS!) jokingly suggested I blog about his fundraising idea–he’s reading Atlas Shrugged, live-twitting about it, and donating the monies to Obama For America (OFA).  He has pledges (I am one.  I’m in for a cool Grant ($50 so you don’t have to Google it twice as he did)), and he’s still accepting new ones as well.

I was about to snicker and shrug it off when an idea hit me.  Why not steal his idea, claim it as my own, and push it to the limits come up with a twisted fundraising idea of my own?  Look.  The silly season is just starting.  Soon, campaigning will be in full swing, and things are going to get ugly.  By the end of the 2008 campaign, I was pretty much worn out by how deeply stupid and hostile our political discourse had gotten, and I’m pretty sure 2012 is going to surpass 2008 what with the Republicans trying to outcrazy each other and the purity trolls on the left demanding a primary of Obama.

My head is hurting already, and we’re still in the starting gate of the great presidential race of 2012.  I have reached peak giving-a-shit about the race, and it’s not even midway through the first quarter yet**!  I have yet to find my second wind; hell, I don’t even have a first wind.  So, I thought to myself, “asiangrrlMN, why not have some fucking fun before the race really gets under way?  Why not follow in the footsteps of PROTIPZ and come up with a fundraising idea that is both fun (in the loosest sense of the word possible) AND beneficial to Obama’s reelection campaign?


(Click for more of my brilliant idea for a fundraiser)

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An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert: Why You Should Choose Me as Your Vice-Presidential Candidate*

Posted on June 5, 2011 by | 2 Comments

Hey, bitchez. ‘Sup? I’ve been busy as hell planning the wedding and deciding on the important issues to pimp for my candidacy. You have probably heard the news that Stephen Colbert has formed a Super PAC so that he can….do something or the other. As he is a TV personality, he has to be careful not to violate his contract with Viacom.  There are rules and some such (I don’t have to worry as I am not on the TV machine), and he was very scrupulous to skirt the ethical line.  Much like Sarah Palin is doing.

BWAHAHAHAH.  I just put Sarah Palin near the word ethical.  That slays me.

Brief aside:  Pssssst, MSM.  She’s not running.  She’s leading you around by the balls noses, and you’re allowing her to do it.  Wah, wah, wah, she won’t tell us where she’s going or what she’s doing.  It’s sooooo dangerous for us to have to chase her around the country like this!

You know what?  You can CHOOSE not to do it!  I know it sounds crazy, but, hear me out.  The minute you stop chasing after her like dogs in heat, she’ll come running after you.  She lives for the limelight (and the mad monies she makes off of it), and she needs you as much as you seem to need her.   And, she’s a spoiled brat at heart, so if you stop giving her the attention she so craves, she will be pleading with you to give her five more minutes on the TV machine.

But, I digress, as usual.  Back to Stephen Colbert and his Super PAC1.  It would seem to me, and I have to phrase this carefully so as to not get him in trouble, that Colbert has a bus tour in his very near future2.   I know he’s done the bus tour before, so I fully expect him to do it again.

That got me thinking.  Sure, I would be a better candidate than any of the Republican candidates because of despite my lack of experience.  Sure, I am charismatic and can give starbursts galore.  And sure, I got tits and tats to titillate the masses.  You know what I don’t have, though?  Name recognition3.  In this day and age, if you don’t have name recognition, you don’t have shiitake4.

(Click for more of my brilliant and crazy plan!)

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My Red, White, and True Blue Republican Platform. Also. Too.

Posted on March 15, 2011 by | 5 Comments

In my last post, I laid out the bare bones of my platform.  Since then, I have given it a great deal of thought, and I have come to see the error of my ways*.  So, without further ado, I present to you my real platform for my candidacy for president of these here United States of America.  Except Hawaii.  That’s not really part of America–not like Alaska.  I’m just sayin’.  So, without further ado, I slip on my platform shoes and…

Hold up.  A few more wedding decisions to announce.  I have decided to change up the outfits of my bridesmaids.  While the Statue of Liberty is a nice symbol, I’m not sure I want multiple representations of her.  To refresh your memory, my matron-of-honor (hi, Kat!) will wear this.   I must confess that I’m mightily tempted by this ensemble because of the green face, but I don’t find the cut of the dress as flattering.   The other bridesmaids, however, will be Martha Washington, Betsy Ross, and a random colonial woman so we can remember our founding foremothers, too.  Also.  And, let’s not forget, the greatest woman ever in American politics: Sarah Palin.  You ladies can fight amongst yourselves for the great honor of being the Quitta Thrilla from Wasilla.

The ceremony will be in Austin if I don’t make it onto the Colbert show.  Remember, twit him @StephenatHome and make sure to use the hashtags, #faketrioticwedding and #CallmeColbert when you do twit him on the Twitter Machine.  BJonthegrid knows the heartland, and she firmly informed me that N’Awlins, Hawaii, and even Alaska are out as wedding/honeymoon destinations.  She said to capture the heart of real ‘Murikans, I have to get married in a state choking hand-over-fist in Megachurches**.  So, why Austin?  Because Texas is a red state, and Austin is the bluest city in said red state.  In other words, perhaps BJonthegrid and ABL will not have to sneak in and out with the hired help to attend the shindig.

Now.  My platform.   To set the stage, here is a video of a singer who exemplifies real America to the core singing God Bless America:


(Click to solve all the problems of the world)

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Platform Shoes? Oh, No. Platform for Prez (Republican) Primaries!

Posted on March 13, 2011 by | 7 Comments

I love platform shoes. They give a grrl the added height without the ‘oh my god my feet are funicular* killing me!” However, they do nada in getting me where I want to be–in the winner’s circle, bay-bee. If I’m going to run for president, I need a platform. By the way, I announced my candidacy once before.  But, that was from the left and for 2016.  It was also because I was pissed off about the whole birther issue, and I thought my candidacy would really make the batsheetcrazy’s heads explode since both my parents were immigrants to this country when I was born.

Will I still have to deal with the birfer nonsense from the right now that I have switched my allegiance?  I don’t know.  I have a hunch, though, as long as I Malkin** it and say that imprisoning the Japanese during WWII was the right thing to do, the birfers won’t have too much difficulty accepting my citizenship.  I will even show them my long form, if they so demand.  Except to Orly Taintz.  She skeers me more than a little.

But, before I present my platform, I need to attend to a bit of housekeeping re:  my upcoming nuptials.  As you know, I am trying to have my wedding on the Stephen Colbert show.  To that end, I’ve been twitting him from time to time asking him to call me.  If you are so inclined to help, his twitname is:  StephenAtHome.  My hashtags for the joyous event are #faketrioticwedding and #CallmeColbert.  Please affix them to every twit you send to Stephen.  Anyway, I have found the perfect shoes for the wedding–provided I can get used to them in time.  I don’t wear heels, so it’s going to take a lot of practice.  And, since I want to give a shout-out to our troops without doing anything to actually support them, and since I want to bond with Sarah Palin, I will have my bridesmaids wear these camo Naughty Monkey shoes under their Statue of Liberty dress.  I was chilling with my best friend tonight, and she suggested that she wear the Statue of Liberty dress while the other bridesmaids be the huddled masses.  I thought it was brilliant, but that it didn’t really fit in with the theme of U-S-A, U-S-A, because let’s face it, huddled masses are a drag.  They are not uplifting or patriotic at all.  And, this will be my wedding night lingerie, not that Yutsy will appreciate it.  Harrumph.

(Click through to see for what I stand as a Republican candidate for president

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