The Potato Colada Song: If you like potato coladas and getting caught in the rain, then you might want to try making this drink in a potato. It’s got Bailey’s and leprechaun tears in it. I don’t know, man — the Irish — ::shrug:: I’m just waiting for the sweet potato colada. Where is it? Sweet potatoes are sweeping the nation, just like the curly fries of yore. (Seriously, they’re everywhere and I don’t understand it. I like them, but really? We get it. You’re awesome, too, Mr. Sweet Potato Head.) [The Awl]
Wook at the wittle power pwant! You know what this nuclear disaster in Japan has been missing? Dioramas, of course. When you shrink down a power plant, it’s sort of cute. It’s also less deadly — like a hamster with a sweet potato gun. [Boing Boing]
I’ll totally be your black friend: Devin Friedman wanted some black friends, so he went out to try to find him some. Hilarity (and insight) ensued. [GQ]
Become a Kochsucker today! Do you love liberty and the free market? Is your name Liberty? Would you be willing to change your name to Liberty? Would you stand still? [http://tiny.cc/heyo] Then maybe you should sign up for the Koch training program. They are accepting applicants with 0 to 10 years experience. Liberty is selling like hotcakes on the free market! Try Liberty, today! (Watch the video and then tell me if you can figure out what the fuck it is these people are training to become besides unrepentant douche bags.)
Fun with Beer: Here’s some weird shit you can do with beer. I say just drink it, but who am I to judge? [Mental Floss]
StoptheMarchMadness! Everyone is all over Obama’s nuts because he took ten minutes to fill out an NCAA bracket instead of fixing the deficit. The horror, the horror. [CBS]
Obama is going to bully your kids into not being bullies. Teabilly Nation is all up in arms because it thinks that Obama is going to stalk your childrenses while they sleep… using — ::dunh dunh duuuuuuunh:: — Facebook! In fact, I have it on good authority that all children will be getting a Facebook brainchip forthwith. Glenn Beck suggests you should shoot anyone who tries to tell you your kid is an asshole:
Don’t you dare come to my children when they are not in school and tell them jack. Don’t you dare come to me and tell me I need some sort of sensitivity training because my kid did something, and may I just point out where my property line is. If you dare try to come to my house and tell me that I have to go to a sensitivity training class because someone else’s kid wrote something else in their off time on Facebook that now the White House is monitoring, get off my land. Never. Never.”
Oh shut up, Glenn. Don’t you have some mad ramblings to scribble on your chalkboard? [Media Matters]
I’ll do it later: I told myself yesterday that I was going to do Angry Black Links every day. EVERY DAY. But I procrastinated. I procrastinated so hard I googled “procrastination” and found this website. (It amuses me that there are so few entries on that site.) Procrastinators are changing the world! (Tomorrow.) [Procrastination Factor]
Seriously, I’ll do it later! I also watched this video. I just loves me some Ellen DeGeneres. [YewTewbz]
Oh mah gah, get off my back! I’ll do it later! I also stumbled across this website which suggested that making panda bread is an excellent way to fulfill your procrastiny. [Messy Nessy Chic]
Unnnggggh! I don’t wanna! I finished the St. Patrick’s Day Angry Birds while I was at the hair salon (Tony is my hair god!), which led to me reading Ms. Emily Hauser’s post on black people hair (It does too make sense). She’s a white girl! With insight! I’m linking my own blog! I’m that meta. [Angry Black Lady Chronicles]
Okay, okay. Politics! There was a huge ass rally in Lansing, Michigan today. Why? Because Republicans are assholes. Duhvs. I keep meaning to write a post about the Michigan shenanigans. I even read this Slate article which lead to me reading this Supreme Court case, which lead to me reading some otgher Supreme Court cases which lead to me playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Ah well. Check out this awesome live-blog of the events in Michigan, though. Don’t delay! [Eclectablog]
Kochsuckers! The Koch Brothers are ass-deep in some serious shenanigans. Read all about it. [Frederica Cade's Blog]
Sorry seems to be the hardest word. This Ohio Tea Party supporter apologized to his wife — a teacher — for voting for that asshole John Kasich:
Arianna is laughing all the way to the bank: AOL purchases HuffPo to the tune of 315 million– 300 million in cash, no less — and 900 AOL workers get the boot. That’s 20% of its workforce. So yeah… if you, like I, have been annoyed by Arianna’s bullshit, then now’s the time to take action. Delete those bookmarks. Find the content that she aggregates elsewhere. Encourage anyone you know who blogs for her to take their Legos and go home. (It’s not like she’s paying them anyway.) [The People's View]
Bodyslam! If you’re going to bully a fat kid, you run the risk that he’s going to knock you the fuck out. [Pajiba]
Unintelligent Design: No GOP Asshole on the House Energy Committee will say climate change is real. Science? What’s that? Mama says science is devil talk. Also, she says don’t let the boys touch my dirty pillows. [Talking Points Memo]
Republicans want us all to suffocate and die: The most anti-science Congress ever? Waxman (Sir Clean Air Act, himself) thinks so. I’d agree, since Republicans want to amend the Clean Air Act so that it does not apply to greenhouse gas emissions; wants to nullify the EPA’s finding that these emissions are going to kill us all; and wants to slash the EPA’s budget by a third. Awesome! [Mother Jones]
Chuck Sheen is Winning: Brett Easton Ellis (‘member him? Less Than Zero? American Psycho? Bob Downey? Baaaaaale?) tells us that Charlie Sheen really is winning… because he just doesn’t give a fuck. He’s got a briefcase full of a coke and he’s not afraid to snort it. [The Daily Beast]
The TSA wants to murder your family: Well, not really, but those full body scanners? The radiation they emit may be ten times higher than previously reported. So… that’s awesome. [Wired]
NRA gives Obama the Heismann: Gun control isn’t really about guns — it’s about crazy people: “My basic reaction is that if you want to start a dialogue, it really shouldn’t be about guns. The dialogue really ought to be on bad people and mad men, because unless we focus on that, we’re never going to get to the point.” Thus spake the NRA CEO. I agree in one respect, less talk about guns more talk about Mad Men… Haaaaaaaaamm. [Talking Points Memo]
REX BRADLEY MANNING DAY: Sensible talk about Bradley Manning. I know! There’s such a thing! [The Corner Tavern]
I was just talking to my friend Jen today about how 99% of society is stupid, regardless of race. Black, white, Asian, Latina, whatever. 99% of you are fucking idiots. This led to a discussion about what to do about such people. We were wondering whether or not idiots should be summarily rounded up and shot. I don’t fancy genocide, so maybe they could be rounded up and shipped off to Antarctica where they would likely freeze to death because they’d be too stupid to figure out a way to survive. Call it natural genocide. “What’s the point?” you may be asking. Well, this; this is my point.College Humor.
P.S. You should check out Jen’s fashion-related blog, Jenuine West.
Further to my “people are idiots” point, consider the Tea Partiers. Their whole reason for protesting is that they don’t want to be taxed to kingdom come. Well turns out, according to GW’s former speechwriter, they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Shocking, I know. Firedoglake.
Everyone is all over Gabourey Sidibe’s ass. First Howard Stern, now Jamie Foxx. She’s too fat. She must have low self-esteem. She looks like Biggie Smalls. Blah blah blah. Let a girl live, dang. Her size has nothing to do with you. And she is more than comfortable with herself. Besides, she may be overweight, but she was also nominated for an Oscar… in the same category as the Grand Dames of Academy Awards, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren. What the hell have you done today? Average Bro.
Bart Stupak is a whiny bitch. He’s been spreading lies about how the health care reform bill will use federal funds for abortions. It’s not true. It’s a lie. A falsehood. He’s also been complaining about all the press he’s been getting for lying his fool head off. Well, 59,000 nuns finally spoke up and told old Bart to shut his face. They are in favor of the health care reform bill. Bart’s response? I don’t listen to you, silly lady priests. I listen to the Catholic male leadership and it’s they who will tell women what to do with their bodies. So get thee back to a nunnery. Wonkette.
I knew I liked Australia for a reason, and not just because of Hugh Jackman: “A television comedy series about a bong-smoking dog that has sex with a cat and a teddy bear has received $1.5 million of federal and state taxpayers’ money.” Catch you bitches later, I have a plane to catch. Warming Glow.
Some crazy ass lady in New Jersey wants to be the fattest woman in the history of whatever. Weighing in at 600 pounds, she ultimately wants to tip the scales at 1000 pounds. She eats 12,000 calories a day and her weekly food bill is 750 dollars. What the hell is wrong with people? This woman is stupid. And she will be summarily shipped off to Antarctica with the rest of the stoopids. Zelda Lily.
Those of you who followed me over from Thundersquee! know that we used to hand out weekly comment awards. “Best in Squee!” we called it. It was always fun picking the winners. Squeeple are some funny people. So, what is almost as fun as picking winners? Being a winner yourself! Which I was! Last week! On Pajiba! So excuse me, while I high five myself for tying for number two for my Eloquent Eloquence. Pajiba.
I hate talking on the phone. I rarely do it. And when I do, believe you me, I will find some way to hang up on your ass. “Oops, going through a tunnel…” “I’m about to head in to an elevator!” So yeah. Talking on the phone sucks. The Oatmeal.
My friend mme marbles requested that I blog about Katherine Heigl’s latest wardrobe malfunction at some award show I don’t give a shit about: “Could you please blog about how i want to punch her in her big stupid fat stupid face??” I can’t stand Katherine Heigl’s hypocritical bitch ass either, but I said that maybe now that she’s adopted a bunch of dogs and a Korean baby, Heigl has redeemed herself. Not according to mme marbles: “I bet she already threw that korean baby out with the trash once she realized it wasn’t getting her enough attention.” Heh. Celebitchy.
You know what my dog wishes? He wishes he had a bunghole cover. Except for he doesn’t. The Nerdist.
This is exactly awesome. Some dude on flickr is painting one dollar bills, to hilarious effect. This Blog Rules.
The best review of Heidi Montag’s album Superficial ever. Given her epically pitiful album sales and the fact that everyone on the planet seems to recognize that she has suck, rather than blood flowing through her veins, I think it might be appropriate to say “you got served!” Except who says that anymore? FourFour.
This week the rumors about the impending break up of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reached a fevered pitch. How will I live without them? I want to know… Pajiba.
And just today the best rumor in the history of rumors: Angelina may have had a sapphic adventure with Lady Gaga. ZOMG! Can you believe it? It’s so crazy, it’s enough to make you continue not giving a shit. Agent Bedhead.
Mel Gibson defended Obama today. So now he’s cool with colored folks, but still isn’t too keen on Jews? Where does that leave me and Sammy Davis, Jr.? Alive and still dead, that’s where. Celebitchy.
Sure, Obama isn’t doing everything I want him to do. He seems to be floundering a bit. But all we are saying… is give Hopey McChangealot a chance. Black Snob.
Obama vs. Republicans. Live. On the teevee. It was pretty awesome. Salon.
Ever dreamed of Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and delicious sandwiches all at the same time? Well comrades, your dream has come true. Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.
Focus on Family, a pro-life organization is planning to air an anti-abortion ad during the Superbowl featuring Gators quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother Pam. Apparently while pregnant with Tim, Pam became ill in the Philippines and claims that although a doctor recommended that she have an abortion, she “chose” not to abort Timmy. Except maybe not really because at the time, abortions were illegal in the Philippines and punishable by a 6 year prison sentence. Of course the ad doesn’t say anything about that. Huffington Post.
After weeks of people going bananas over the new Apple gadget, Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad. [Insert perfunctory feminine hygiene joke here.] Reviews have been underwhelming. Even Hitler hates it. Gizmodo.
I admit to being obsessed with SkyMall. A wedding wishlist for SkyMall doodads? Genius. Fierce and Nerdy.
Some fuckwit tried to tamper with the telephone lines in the office of Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA). Turns out it’s the same fuckwit who dressed up as a pimp and filmed improper conduct of certain ACORN employees last year, sparking the “ACORN is the debil” conservative talking point. Is O’Keefe actually an investigative journalist or a douchebag? Douchebag, obviously… who has been ordered by a judge to go live with his parents. NOLA and Talking Points Memo and Wonkette.
You’ve probably all heard by now about the fucking ridiculous Supreme Court ruling that rolled back 100 years of campaign finance reform and essentially allows corporations to throw as much money into the campaign process as they want to. You know…because corporations are people, just like you and me. Let me put it to you like this: As of June 2008, Obama had raised nearly 265 million dollars in private donations mostly via regular people donating small amounts. As of that same time frame, McCain had only raised about 97 million. That’s all going to change now. Basically, our voices are going to be drowned out by the voices of corporations. USA…brought to you by Carl’s Jr. Slate.
You know what bothers me more than Heidi Montag being a veign celbrity? Bad spelling. Regretsy.
“Pigs are fast, fornicating, fantastic creatures who stink of rancid awesomeness.” Also? They are delicious. The Oatmeal.
Here’s a live stream of the Hope for Haiti Now telethon. If you haven’t donated anything, what’s wrong with you? Seriously. You have 5 dollars, don’t you? Gawker.
But if you do donate, maybe stay away from Wyclef’s Yele Organization. Let’s just say he may not be on the up and up. Gawker.
Amazing dog rescue from a California river. Jezebel.
Seriously, y’all. Donate something to Haiti. It’s the right thing to do.