Author Archives: Nicholas Wilbur

The Obama-Santorum Conspiracy

Chess Master or Pawn?

Convinced that President Obama’s contraception battle with the Catholic Church is not a “short-term tactical blunder” but yet another example of the president’s “strategically shrewd” long-game, conservative-turned-Dem-loving-ratiocinator Andrew Sullivan this week dabbled in a potentially promising career as a conspiracy theorist with a column at The Daily Beast that shocked Washington insiders and rubes, Democrats and Republicans, Obama-bots and Birthers alike.

The more Machiavellian observer might even suspect this is actually an improved bait and switch by Obama to more firmly identify the religious right with opposition to contraception, its weakest issue by far, and to shore up support among independent women and his more liberal base….And if this was a trap, the religious right walked right into it.

Not only did the right-wing establishment walk right into it, their constituents turned out en masse to vote on it, handing three presidential primary victories to the rigidly conservative and proudly orthodox Catholic Rick Santorum.

Is it therefore impossible to assume that President Obama expected that such a hot-button issue would effect turnout among conservatives, and therefore timed the contraception ruling in order to boost Santorum’s odds of besting the only candidate with even a remote chance of beating Obama in November, presumed nominee Mitt Romney?

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The Democratic Party Finds a Spine in Obama

When the Republican Party’s promiscuity police stood toe-to-toe with science—arguing, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that contraception increases sexual indiscrimination—they won. Democrats sat on their unprotected thumbs as “abstinence only” replaced “sex education” in our nation’s schools.

It was not realistic or pragmatic. It wasn’t even remotely effective, despite the millions of taxpayer dollars spent teaching it. It was faith-based advocacy, the imposition of one’s religious views on an entire populace. And it was made into law via legislation supported and funded by Democrats. (Hence the common “spineless” prefix used when referencing the Democratic Party.)

And then there was Barack.

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Trite & Untrue, Weird Willard’s Obama Attacks Fall Flat

Mitt Romney’s Colorado concession speech was as inspiring as a corpse.

But weirder. 

Between congratulating his supporters for clapping—not doing Olympic back flips through fiery rings, just clapping—and uttering some meteorologically redundant gibberish about how February winters are cold in Denver, Romney appeared to have discovered Rick Perry’s stash of meds.

He looked understandably down,” Politico’s Roger Simon observed after Romney lost in Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota. “(H)e read his concession speech from two teleprompters as if he were seeing it for the first time—which he may have been.”

In a monotone monologue that might have rung with passion on paper but which failed to keep supporters from unapologetically fiddling with their smartphones throughout the live version of the speech, the former Massachusetts governor attempted to lay blame for the Great Recession at the feet of President Obama with a series of lethargic and haphazard punches.

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Should Obama speak to Americans like 8th graders or academics?

Everybody remembers Barack Obama’s famous “Yes We Can” speech.

Can you imagine how powerful, how memorable, how defining it would have been if he had instead called it, “Affirmative! This Collective Is Capable”?

The average American reads at or below an 8th-grade level.

For those who want to communicate with said average American, common sense says speaking to them at an 8th grade level will most effectively convey your message.

For the third State of the Union address in a row, President Obama has done just that. The text of his speeches have been written barely above the 8th-grade reading level.

The teleprompter critics who’ve long argued that Obama ought to be spending more time memorizing his speeches and less time killing terrorists are now arguing that either the president himself is stupid, or he thinks Americans are.

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BREAKING: Polls say nobody likes Mitt

About as shocking as the weather forecast in Seattle, a new Washington Post/ABC News poll reports large black clouds hanging over GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney’s campaign.

Romney, who notched his second consecutive victory Saturday by easily winning the Nevada caucuses, continues to solidify his position as the front-runner in the race for the GOP nomination. But as the contest has grown more negative, public impressions of the top Republican contenders have soured, as has the former Massachusetts governor’s standing as a general-election candidate.

As President Obama took a 9 percent lead over Romney (52 to 43) and saw his job approval rating jump to the highest it has been in eight months, the former Massachusetts governor actually lost support.

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Newt Gingrich: Obama’s Biggest Fan

With friends like Newt Gingrich, who needs Organizing for America?

In his concession speech following the Nevada primary Saturday night, Gingrich laid to rest the Romney campaign’s “greatest fantasy” by clarifying that he would continue his campaign all the way to the Republican convention.

“I am a candidate for president of the United States,” he said. “I will be a candidate for president of the United States. We will go to Tampa.”

While it may have quashed Romney’s “greatest fantasy,” it served simultaneously as a reinforcement to Democrats’ “greatest fantasy.”

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Has-been Cheater Endorses Has-been Cheater for President

The one black Republican of 2011 to somehow dodge the “uppity n!ggger” charge by patriotic, Constitution-loving Teabaggers has “officially and enthusiastically” endorsed fellow philanderer Newt Gingrich for the presidency.

Herman Cain’s nod to Gingrich, announced in West Palm Beach, Fla., just days before the Sunshine State’s primary, could swing the momentum back toward the former House speaker, as it may effect the large swath of matrimonially disinclined conservative voters who remain unimpressed with Mitt Romney’s 42-year fidelity.

Speaking candidly about his experience with unsheathed beef whistles, Cain had this to say about Gingrich:

I know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder—I know what this sausage grinder is all about. I know he is going through this sausage grinder because he cares about the future of the United States of America.

Between his excessive reiterations about the “sausage grinder,” Cain managed to utter at least one coherent remark, which lambasted that dirty world of “politics” for creating the inhumane and unrealistic expectation that future leaders of the free world keep their dicks in their pants.

“What does something that happened 20 years ago relative to an ex-wife have to do with fixing America’s problems today?” he asked. “Nothing.”

Whatever.

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Republicans Play the Hispanic Name Game

Forget “Jeopardy,” “Deal or No Deal,” and “Wheel of Fortune.” 

Romney wins Hispanic naming game

The next big thing in game shows is “How Many Hispanics Can You Name?”

If you spent your Thursday evening watching “X Factor” or “Vampire Diaries” instead of killing innocent brain cells by screaming at the Republican presidential primary candidates debating in Jacksonville, Fla., Nielson ranks your evening productivity at 85 percent above the 5.4 million who wasted two perfectly good hours being reminded why they’re voting a straight Democratic ticket in November.

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Mitt the ‘Milquetoast Massachusetts Moderate’ May Not Be Nominee Material

For those who want a quick and easy re-election for Barack Obama, the ideal outcome of the Republican primary race is to see the president’s supposedly most formidable rival, Mitt Romney, suffer a slow and painful (and scandalized and mortifying) defeat at the pudgy hands of the GOP’s “pneumatically overstuffed” chief narcissist, Newt Gingrich.

#romneystumpspeechfail

And don’t act like you haven’t pictured it: Newt on stage at the GOP convention in Tampa Bay, swiveling his tractor-tire hips as only a fat man can as “Dancing Queen” blares over the loud speaker; his wife, Jackie Battley Marianne Ginther Callista Gingrich standing next to him, the skin on her face stretched back and tucked neatly under her bullet-proof platinum blonde helmet, eyes aglow like polished silver dollars placed over the shrunken sockets of a corpse bride, bleached teeth clenched around an invisible key to her husband’s glitchy chastity belt loving heart in a smile that only the editors of Cosmetic Surgery Magazine could say with a straight face was “natural.”

Hanging behind the podium, a red, white, and blue banner spells out the core of this estranged congressman’s presidential platform—“Big Ideas, Child Slavery, No Blacks”—as Gingrich humbly accepts the Republican Party’s 2012 presidential nomination, his supporters cheering like drunk pedophiles at a “Little Miss Sunshine” pageant.

Is it that impossible a scenario?

If you look at each candidate’s pros and cons, it’s more than possible.

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