What’s the over/under on how long it takes for me to bail? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
Really, GOP? Another debate, so soon? I hardly have time to regret that I missed the one on Saturday*. By the time I found out it was on like Donkey Kong**, I couldn’t be stuffed to live-blog it. It may seem like this is easy and effortless, but it’s not. Well, OK, in comparison to most of my posts, these are a breeze, but still. I would actually had to have set up a post, found a pic to set the mood and, worst of all, watched the damn debate. So, I skipped it.
Now, I find out from the Twitter Machine that there is another debate tonight. I have had a shitty couple of days and decided that I needed a distraction. Thus, I will start watching the debate tonight and see how long I can last. Since, as I noted, it’s been a shitty past couple of days, I’m going to have my emergency bottle of Maker’s Mark at hand – gotta buy some more PEPCID AC, h/t ABL and all her Asian friends for this pro tip on how to beat the allergic reaction – and I’m going to drink every time I hear a lie. Since I’m not a drinker, I’m leaving out the half-truths, exaggerations, and lying by omissions, but I have a feeling I’ll be fucked up by three minutes in, anyway. I want to try to tough out the entire debate, but I make no promises I don’t know if I can keep. IMPORTANT NOTE: As I am allergic to alcohol and the sole moderator of this blog post, I will determine when I need to cut myself off and switch over to water for my health. You more experienced drinkers are welcome to keep chugging.
Here’s a video I posted last year that still rings true, and it cracks me up every time I hear it. I Didn’t Fuck It Up, by Katie Goodman. h/t, Kat, my bestie IRL.
All righty then. Let me set up the cast of characters, no particular order:
The Grinch***: Newt Gingrich
Frothy Mix: Rick Santorum (Google Santorum****)
Pizza Guy: Herman Cain
Crazy Lady: Michele Bachmann
The Robot***: Mitt Romney
Romney 2.0: Jon Huntsman
Mad-Eye Moody: Paul Ron. Er, Ron Paul.
Good Hair: Rick Perry
That’s it, bitchez. It’s on CNN, sponsored by them, The Heritage Foundation, and the American Enterprise Institute, 7 p.m., asiangrrlMN time. Be there or – don’t.
3:08 p.m. Caramel and cheese popcorn – check. Diet pop – check. Chocolate – check. PEPCID AC – check. Maker’s Mark – check. Alan Rickman – I wish. I’m ready to do this thing, bitchez.
6:00 p.m. All right. I’mma slap this thing up now. You can talk amongst yourself beforehand or not. Whatevs. I’ll be with y’all in an hour with all my accoutrements.
6:30 p.m. I’m ready! Got my drink, got my caramel and cheese popcorn, got my chocolate, popped a PEPCID AC. Let’s do this! Oh, I have another half hour to wait? BIG SIGH.
Wolf fucking Blitzer is the moderator? BIGGER FUCKING SIGH. Let’s match his last name, shall we?
*Twiddling thumbs* I haz a cat on my legs warming me up. You haz a jelus.
6:58 p.m. Here we go!
Wolf: Blah blah blah blah blah. Snore. Heeee! He said substantive. Agree with the prez? How about never. Wolf, you’re live, asshole. Now.
7:00 p.m. Oh lord. Really? Dramatic clip is…not so dramatic.
Is Hungry Like the Wolf really short, or is it just me? They are walking on stage…one by one…tepid applause so far….Mad-Eye has the biggest applause thus far. Eight enter the ring, only one will survive…oh, wait. I still want the fistfight between Governors Good Hair.
Wolf: I’ll try to guide the discussion, but it’s not like I’M THE FUCKING MODERATOR OR ANYTHING!
Frothy Mix: Thank you all blah blah blah national security. Barack Obama suxxxor!
Mad-Eye: Unnecessary wars are a detriment.
Hm. I actually agree.
Good Hair: Mah wife, twenty-nine years, forty-five years ago, first date, WTF, Good Hair?!?
The Robot: Uh, no it’s not, Willard. Love my wife and my country. This president is not strong and free.
Fuck. I’m going to have to drink soon.
Pizza Guy: Obama suxx. I can do better. Downgrade his fault.
Fuck. That was a lie. DRINK!
The Grinch: I’m a rightwing shill. I am independent. I am an intellectual. Phear me.
Crazy Lady: Gawd Bless Amehrica bless bless come home!
Romney 2.0: America! Fuck yeah! My wife, twenty-four years, seven kids…
What’s up with name-checking wives and families?
Ed Meese: Patriot Act is awesome!
The Grinch: I am so intellectual. Look at me gesticulate. Innocent until guilty only in criminal law. Terrorism is different! FUCK THE CONSTITUTION!
Fear fear fear fear fear.
National security – guilty until innocent, bitchez (The Grinch).
Mad-Eye: Liberty liberty liberty gold standard!
OK, not the last. I actually agree with him. I need a drink!
The Grinch: Timothy McVeigh killed a lot of people.
Ooooh, sick burn!
Mad-Eye: Police state works, too.
Damn. I agree with him again. Moar bourbon. *Pours another shot*
Crazy Lady: I tote love the Constitution, but, technology. And, different investigation. Barack Obama. Outsourced terror interrogation to the ACLU?!?
What the everloving fucking god!
Miranda warning is baaaaaad! For terrorists!
Romney 2.0: Shuffle shuffle, ball-change, ball-change.
I can’t say this enough to Crazy Lady: Obama is not gonna shag you no how.
Wolf: TSA invasive?
The Robot: We can do better. Dog-whistle, *lower risk*. Back to CRIME. Versus WAR. Different. Crime. War. CRIME. WAR. FUCK THE CONSTITUTION, BITCHEZ!
Good Hair: Fuck unions! Privatize TSA.
Really? Across the nation. Privatize. FUCCCCCCK. DRINK!
Good Hair: THIS ADMINISTRATION is the suxxor on international intelligence.
Um, methinks a few dictators mayhaps fucking disagree.
Frothy Mix: Profiling rawwwwks! But, but, but, too much government. In the Civil War, Abe Lincoln tromped all over civil rights. Bahahhahahhahha!
Wolf: Who is profiling?
Frothy Mix: MUSLIMS! MUSLIMS! COMMITTING THESE CRIMES!
White guys, asshole.
Fuck. Mad-Eye Moody points out that Timothy McVeigh would have slipped through the cracks.
Damn eeeeeeeeeet! I hate agreeing with him.
Trap question for Cain: Muslims?
Pizza Guy: Targeted something something. Look at who is killing, mumble mumble, privatize. Patriot Act: U – S – A! Kill them before they kill us.
Pizza Guy: No, Blitz. Oops. I mean Wolf. WTF? Let’s ask the professionals to give us an approach…
UM, we did!!!!! They did!!!!!
Wolf: Thank you, Cain.
Breaking: I’m officially quitting now so Aquagranny can win the POU pool to buy Christmas gifts for her grandbabies.
Romney 2.0, sounding reasonable. Too bad he’s boring me out of my mind.
Wolf: Crazy Lady, Pakistan?
Crazy Lady: They are the epi-cent-er of turrism. I’m so proud she learned a new word. Existential, even! Someone sedated her so she sounds half-reasonable. Ooh, she got snippy with Wolf. Wait, is she talking about Pakistan or about W. leading America? Blah blah blah give them mad monies. Blah blah blah. We need info back, bitchez. Obahhhhhhma suxxor.
Good Hair: Cay-un’t trust the Pakis. No mad monies for them! You don’t scratch our backs, and we don’t scratch yours. No blank check.
Crazy Lady: Nuclear. Pakistan. Jihad. We have to stay there. Wait, what? She’s actually making a modicum of sense?!? Clearly, I am not drinking enough.
Good Hair: He’s getting snippy. No blank checks. Engaged, yes. But, no blank checks. Three snaps in a zee formation.
Dude from Heritage: Money we get back worth it for being TERRORIZED?!?!?
The Robot: Blah blah blah monies and lives. But, TERROR! TERROR, I SAY! THERE IS TERROR IN THIS HERE CITY, AND IT STARTS WITH T, WHICH RHYMES WITH P, WHICH STANDS FOR PRIVATIZATION!
Romney 2.0: We’ve done all these awesome things internationally.
Hm. Ambassador Huntsman. Who has done all this? Oh, that’s right. President Obama and his administration.
By the way, I’m on my way to drunk. I need to switch over. Y’all can carry on.
Ooooh, fight between Robot Romney and Romney 2.0!
Romney and Huntsman facing off…it’s like they are looking in a mirror….or something. *switches to water*
Wait, the Grinch is still there?
Ooooh, Robot Romney entitling himself to respond to Romney 2.0, with The Grinch bleating futilely in the background.
The Grinch is trying to get all scholarly on our asses. What a suck-up and a prig. Take the stick out of your ass, The Grinch.
The Grinch: blah blah blah whatever whatever whatever Pakistan is the suxxor!
Wolf: Frothy Mix.
Frothy Mix: I agree with Ron Paul.
Huh, what? That was like a fucking half an hour ago. Ooooh, here we go.
Frothy Mix: I am a Christian bigot who must bash Islam at every chance I have. President Obama sucks. Radical Islamists are devious, evil, inscrutable, waiting, waiting, waiting….WAITING TO EAT YOUR BABIES!
Wolf: Israel attack Iran to prevent nuclear weapons, yea or nay?
Pizza Guy: I will enunciate my words without really having a plan. If they had a credible plan, yes. If not, well, mumble mumble mumble. Clarity. Mission. Success.
Mad-Eye: Oh, no. It’s not going to happen, Wolfie. Even Israel leaders say it’s stupid. WTF? Israel? *hyperventilates into a paper bag*
*moar cheese and caramel popcorn*. Mmmm, that’s some good shit right there.
*tunes in again, hears Mad-Eye raving on and on and tunes back out* Andes chocolate mints, bitchez.
Pizza Guy: If we leave Afghanistan, Iran will step up and be the next Afghanistan. Got it?
Questioner from one of the far-righty think tanks sponsoring the debate: FEAR FEAR FEAR! A year! Iran! Nuclear! Clutching pearls!
Good Hair: Yeah, sanction banks in Iran. Sanction, sanction, and sanction. And, then, yeah, bitchez, they have to come crawling to us. And, Syria.
Wait, what? How did Syria – never mind.
*eats more popcorn*
Good Hair: Obama sucks.
His heart wasn’t really in it, though.
Wolf: The Grinch, no oil if we do that. So, what say you?
Wolf actually asked that as I was about to parody him.
The Grinch: Drill, baby, drill. Fuck off, EU!
Woof. Woof. Woof. Arrrrroooooooo!
The Grinch: Sabotaging their only refinery.
Wait, what?!? Moar drink or less?
He. is. not. going. to. fuck. you. Michele.
Crazy Lady: Obaaaaaahma. Obaahhhhhhhma. Obaaaaaaaaahma. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhhh! No preconditions. Changed course of history. I’ll lead!
Paul Wolfowitz. Bastard: W. spent billions of dollars helping people elsewhere. Bastard! Should we cut?
Frothy Mix: That was needed, jackass.
I predict a but.
Frothy Mix: And I’m proud to be an American! We are the shining leader around the world. Hand over his heart. Frothy mixture bubbling out of every orifice.
Pizza Guy: We have to look at the program and see the results. I could have looked at that before, but I chose not to.
Mad-Eye: Worthless to give money to rich people in poor countries. We need to export principles. Bitchez. Budget budget budget gold standard!
Ah, there’s the Mad-Eye I know and loathe.
The Robot: Obamacare! Repeal! Save the world!
Mad-Eye: Cutting! Bah! I say, I spit on your cutting!
Wait, I thought they were FOR cutting, not against it? Oh, it’s defense. Therefore, no cutting.
Osama bin-Laden. Dead. Gaddafhi. Dead. Somali pirates. Taken out. Yeah. He’s so soft and weak that Obama.
The Robot: Who cares if gas costs more? I got seven cars*****, bitchez!
Question: DEFENSE IS HOLY AND SACRED AND WE CANNOT CUT IT AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The Grinch: Now, now, little lady. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, little lady. Drill baby drill!
He’s channeling his inner-Sarah Palin, apparently.
The Grinch: I’m just gonna throw out numbers no matter what they are with no back-up.
OK. I’m bored. I’m done. The thrill is gone. Carry on.
Oooooh! Wolf asked about bomb, bomb, bombing Iran.
The Grinch: Last resort. But, you know. On the table.
Wolf: Romney 2.0, defense cuts?
Romney 2.0: We have a trust deficit, Wolf. *dramatic, sappy music in the background*. Defense is not a sacred cow. Everything must go!!!!!! I’m proud to be an American….
Ugh. It’s getting deep up on that there stage.
MAAAAAAAA! HOW MUCH LONGER?!?
Wolf: Super Committee failed. What say you, Good Hair? Would you compromise with Democrats?
Good Hair: Well, duh. Superfailure from supercommittee. Durdurdur. Obaaaaahma not a leader.
Good Hair: He is the suxxor. I have worked with Democrats….
BECAUSE DEMOCRATS COMPROMISE, ASSHOLE! Gaaaaaaah. Gaaaaah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Frothy Mix: Fuck, no! I want it all, bitchez. Fuck the Democrats. Fuck ‘em with a rusty pitchfork. They suck. They really suck. Only I am right! Only me! It’s Obama’s fault.
Motherfuck. *pours another shot*
BAHAHAHHAHHAHHA! Frothy Mix compromised? Frothy Mix stuck to his principle?!? Fuck you fucker asshole fuck you fuck you.
Prickle: Social security.
The Grinch: Privatize. Privatize. Chile. We should be like Chile. Who the fuck knows if he’s telling the truth or not?
Crazy Lady: Blank check does not mean what you think it means. WE ADDED THE DEFENSE WHICH NEVER WAS COUNTED BEFORE. Aaaaaargh! Arrrgh! Arrrrgh!
BALANCING THE BUDGET IS NOT THE ISSUE YOU CRAZY WOMAN I’M GOING TO COMMIT SEPPUKU IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU ONE MINUTE LONGER!
OK. Seriously. I am well on my way to past the point of my usual intoxication, so I’m going to wish you all a good night. I made it an hour and almost a half this time. A new record. YAY, me!
*Actually, it was a Family Forum, whatever that means. I hear Michele Bachmann served coffee to the others.
**I can say that ‘coz I’m Asian, bitchez.
***Yeah, I changed it. Sue me.
****Contractually obligated to tell you to Google it every time I mention Santorum’s name.
*****Number pulled out of my flat ass.