National Review Online: Cain is an 'Authentic' Black, Obama is a 'Metrosexual' Fake

Honestly? With this crap again?

National Review Online published an impossibly stupid article on the travails of one Herman Cain and the sexual assault and harassment allegations that are stacking up against him.  It’s a rambly tl;dr piece that says nothing and makes no recognizable effort to try.  It’s the literary equivalent of the tiny puffs of gas that my dog unwittingly excretes while he sleeps.

The author, some clown who calls himself Victor Davis Hanson, purports to discuss the difference between Cain and President Obama: “Cain’s authenticity vs. Obama’s metrosexual cool”  (Get it, wingnuts?  The Sheriff’s a nigger homo!)

Hanson’s “article” is a pathetic piece of Cain propaganda that attempts to resurrect a golden-child simulacrum of Herman Cain that never existed in the first place, and was merely a figment of the GOP’s addled collective imagination. Where Hanson sees “Black authenticity as defined by Southern mannerisms and darker complexion, amplified by conservatism or traditionalism,” I see unabashed incompetence and the human embodiment of Idiocracy.

You see, Herman Cain is, incontrovertibly, a fool:

1. He has no grasp of the Constitution;
2. In an election where “Repeal Obamacare!” is the GOP rallying cry, he does not understand the manner in which Medicare benefits are provided (and had to ask Uncle Newt to help save him from embarrassment during last weekend’s inappropriately-named Lincoln-Douglas debate), but is quite certain that such benefits should be slashed privatized anyway because Paul Ryan, that’s why;
3. He is only able to discuss domestic tax policy in fruit-based terms;
4. He is a misogynist pig who attracts other misogynist pigs — “Karen Kraushaar is an ugly bitch!” — like flies to a steaming pile of freshly squeezed shit;
5. He cannot pronounce the names of any country the name of which is word- not acronym-based — USA! USA!
6. Was for death-by-electric-fence before he was against it — and then for it again;
7. He is delusional enough to think that he can garner 1/3 of the black vote while spouting pandering bullshit about blacks being brainwashed by Democrats, racism being dead because “look at me!” and Planned Parenthood existing for the purpose of planned genocide in black communities.

Hanson endeavors to drag Cain up by Cain’s bootstraps, and he does so by denigrating women and black people with such ease one suspects that Hanson has never met a stereotype or bias that he didn’t call “science.”

Ultimately, Hanson’s attempt  fails; it is nothing more than a last-gasp attempt to paint the media as “in the can” for liberals.  How many keys of coke did Obama snort his way through at Harvard?  Did he ever graduate?  Where are his transcripts?  And that birth certificate he released?  How do we know that it isn’t a forgery?  Barry is far too black/not black enough to be president.

Hanson’s article is garbage, and I am stupider for having read it (so thanks a lot, pal). Here are the low-points (keeping in mind that there are no high points):

• Fuckin’ librulz, man: “I thought it was only a matter of when, not whether, Gloria Allred, the leftwing billboard lawyer, would show up at a press conference with more “evidence” of Cain’s “serial” transgressions against the meek and defenseless of yesteryear.”

• Both sides do it!: ”Cain’s supporters bewail the unfairness of it all… as they reckon up the relative media uninterest in sex-poodle Al Gore, the serial wenching of Bill Clinton, or Eliot Spitzer’s prostituting — not to mention the fact that the National Enquirer was alone in breaking the John Edwards love-child story.”

• Obama! Cocaine! Bill Ayers! Dumb Negro at Ivy League Schools! Goddamn America!: “As John McCain closed in on Barack Obama in 2008, the media floated rumors of his purported affair with a Washington insider — in contrast to their lack of interest in just how much cocaine Barack Obama had really admitted to using or how exactly he had gone from Occidental to Columbia to Harvard Law School, or how patently untrue were his characterizations of his relationship with Bill Ayers.”

• Ignore the page-gropers, bathroom-stall tap-dancers, meth-head evangelists, and rentboy enthusiasts — it’s Librulz who are pervy! “Both supporters and detractors agree that Cain should know by now that alleged misdemeanors by Republican frontrunners are always more serious than known transgressions by Democratic rivals. All true — and all irrelevant in the age of liberal indulgence and exemption where noble ends sometimes must justify tawdry means.”

• It’s not men’s fault.  Young women prey on older men! Those bitches are maneaters!  Whoa here they come!: “In my time as a student and a professor, I saw four or five “asymmetrical” relationships in which much younger attractive graduate students made fools of aging nerdish professors, always to their own career advantage. The younger women in such relationships either dumped the power-brokers when the latter were no longer useful or filed complaints about being harassed if the dividends proved insufficient.”

• It happened before Cain got cancer and totally almost died, so it doesn’t count! “Get cancer, get a do-over.” I saw it on a ribbon, I swear!  “Note there is no exemption for Cain even though the charges date from over a decade ago, and even though Cain in the interval was given a 30 percent chance of survival from stage-IV metastasized colon cancer.”

• At least he didn’t stick it in! “Cain, who has not as of yet actually been accused of engaging in sexual intercourse with a female subordinate, finds himself in the “sexual harassment” labyrinth, from which there are few paths out in the present era.”

The article then veers off into racist asshole-land through a combination of words and punctuation that add up to nothing, make no sense, and offer nothing by way of insight or intelligence, and ultimately lands in the dumpster wherein lies the remains of Laura Ingraham’s similarly racist and privileged screed:

Yet Cain also wins greater scrutiny, not exemption, because he is black — or at least a certain sort of black. In addition to his conservatism, his voice, bearing, grammar, and diction, even his showy black cowboy hat, bother liberals in much the same way that Joe Frazier was not Muhammad Ali and Clarence Thomas was not Anita Hill. Black authenticity, as defined by Southern mannerisms and darker complexion, amplified by conservatism or traditionalism, earns liberal unease.

~snip~

Yet most Americans are far more concerned with authenticity than with color or diction, and Cain is nothing but authentic. His speech and manner are as genuine as Obama’s are forced and often phony. His everyman persona and appeal to the working classes scare the liberal elite, in much the same way that Sarah Palin’s did. If Cain were to say “corpse-man” or “punish our enemies,” he would be written off as an embarrassment — in liberal parlance, a “minstrel” and “buffoon.” But if he said “corpse-man” with an academic non-accent and a Harvard pedigree, well, that’s a momentary, understandable slip for a gaffe-prone Harry Reid or Joe Biden.

~snip~

Again, the comparison with Obama is volatile: Cain is authentically African-American and of an age to remember the Jim Crow South; Obama, the son of an elite Kenyan and a white graduate student, came of age as a Hawaiian prep-schooler, whose civil-rights credentials are academic. Cain’s lack of experience and seemingly embarrassing ignorance about the right of return or nuclear China are amplified by his unaffected style, whereas Obama’s similar gaffes (57 states) [No. Stop it. During the 2008 primaries, Obama said in a speech "I've been in 57 states." It was a gaffe to be sure, but one on a much smaller scale than Cain's ignorance about China's nuclear capability for the following simple and easy-to-understand reason: there are 57 primary races (50 states plus Puerto Rico, Guam, US Virgin Islands, DC, American Samoa, and a caucus in Texas that is split in twain and counts as two races) which send 57 delegates to the convention.  Got it? During primary season, 57, not 50 is the magic number. -ed.] and buffoonery (inflating tires to preclude drilling for oil [ who's the buffoon now, bitch? -ed.]) are mitigated by metrosexual cool. After all, we live in an age when Herman Cain, with his black hat, his deep Southern cadences, and his ease among tea-party crowds, is suspect, whereas Barack Obama booms on about “millionaires and billionaires” while golfing, jetting to Martha’s Vineyard, and shaking down demonized corporate-jet owners at $35,000 a pop.

This has got to be some of the most odious racist nonsense I have ever read today.  Essentially, the argument boils down to “black politicians running for preznint talk like dis” but “halfrican Muslin faux-groes running for president talk very properly indeed — like so — whilst eating arugula with honey dijon mustard vinaigrette and metrosexually applying Kiehl’s moisturizer to their not-quite-black-enough-but-still-too-black faces.”

This is what passes for conservative thought in America, yet Herman Cain thinks that black people are brainwashed?  Ninja please.

Conservatives treat Herman Cain like a buffoon; an idiot who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and must be taught the conservative way, but who nonetheless deserves points for trying.  I mean, he’s black after all, and you know how Democrats “harangue” conservative and more impressive blacks.   Any black that can cross the Great Democrat Rubicon is deserving of the best love and support that Republicans have to offer their blacks — until you start harassing pretty white women, that is — then it’s bye-bye poll numbers.  It is this “there there, little one” sentiment that resulted in Erick Erickson’s embarrassing love letter yesterday, written as if to a four year-old.  Also, it is this sentiment that compels  Republicans to keep giving Herman Cain a pass for his utterly ridiculous 9-9-9 plan which has been thoroughly debunked as economically disastrous, but which continues to enjoy Republican reverence, simply by virtue of it being “bold.” (See also, Ryan Budget.)

Conservatives think that Cain-style buffoonery is representative of the black population; that it’s “authentic.”  They cannot conceive of a man like Obama who talks like them — all white and stuff — and who went to Ivy League schools like them (how’d he get into those schools, anyway?).  To them, Obama is a phony.  Yet the authenticity that conservatives ascribe to Cain’s buffoonery is borne of the racist iconography that they themselves created.  Cain is pandering to these assholes, and employing caricatures of Black people that southern “conservativism and traditionalism” birthed! It would be clever if it weren’t so sick, twisted, and yes — disgustingly racist.

And here’s what amuses me: these conservatives are seemingly confused that black folks aren’t running headlong into the open and grope-y arms of Herman Cain.  They believe, as Herman Cain does, that blacks have been brainwashed, and that the way to win the hearts and minds of black Democrats is to simply dangle another Negro in front of us, and swing him back and forth like a pendulum used for hypnosis:  “You are geting sleeeeeeepy.  You will vote for Herman Caiiiiiin.  Barack Obama isn’t really blaaaaaaack.  He’s not really one of youuuuuuuu.  Join ussssssss.”

They cannot fathom that black folks have the requisite wherewithal to recognize Herman Cain for what he is: a lying, misogynist, uninformed ignoramus who is willing to pander to dog-whistling conservatives like Victor David Hanson, in order to help the Tea Party shake the racism out of their party like water from a dog’s back.  They can’t grasp what most of us can — that Herman Cain is a joke and will never be President. Ever.

As for Mr. Hanson’s privileged comments wherein he attempts to define what is and isn’t black — as if he has a fucking clue as to what he’s talking about — I will simply refer you to a post written by Zandar in response to Laura Ingraham:

Madam Sir, you are no more the arbiter of the President’s racial identity and what it means to America than the pile of fecal matter inside your cranium, and the poison-saturated sack of hypocrisy that constitutes your soul is not anything I would wish on my worst enemy.  I am proud of being biracial.  It does not make me any less pure or less worthy or less human than human, and I greatly resent the implication.  I am exceedingly proud of my President because he is someone like me, and I live in a country where someone like me can in fact be the leader of the free world and govern a country of 310 million people, all of whom are better people than you are.  If you cannot find the singular joy in a society that allows that to happen, your worldview is a hopelessly broken and bleak landscape of endless recriminations that is so exceedingly and perfectly empty that you will seek to fill it with shallow, sneering, venal attacks in order to find some way, any way, to stop the relentless pain that your daily existence must entail.

Mr. Hanson, if you were on fire and I had a bucket of water, I wouldn’t bother to put you out.