I can’t stop laughing.
I’m sitting here watching The Daily Show, and the moment of zen clip features some assclown on Fox News1 stating that Michelle Obama was seen ordering a burger, fries, and a shake, and then likened the number of calories she ingested to eating a live raccoon.
I’ve been sitting here alternatively laughing and scratching my head — trying to understand how the hell one would know the number of calorie in eating a live raccoon.
What if the raccoon were grilled? Served tartare? Would one have to eat the entire raccoon, or just the prime cuts?
This is my problem, people. Sometimes I can’t just accept that people are batshit insane. I have to try and rationalize their batshit insanity, which, in turn, drives me batshit insane (or batshit insaner, if you must.)
I literally was in the bathroom washing my face and muttering to myself: How the fuck do they know how many calories are in a live raccoon? Who the hell eats a live raccoon (besides, like, Bear Grylls)? Why am I talking to myself?
Jesus H. Cheese and Crackers.
Flames. Flames… on the side of my face.
Seriously, though — a live raccoon!?
Fox News is ridiculous.
1 Apparently, said assclown is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld is Glenn Beck 2.0, and the new host of “Take Five” or whatever the hell it’s called. I don’t know. I don’t care. See? This is me not caring.