Herman Cain? SIT DOWN.

Seriously, dude.  You’re embarrassing yourself.

Herman Cain opened his mouth and more stupid fell out:

“Barack Obama is more of an international,” Cain said. “I think he’s out of the mainstream and always has been. Look, he was raised in Kenya [No.  No he was not. He really wasn't. Not even a little.  Stop repeating a lie, you ignorant twit. -ed.], his mother was white from Kansas and her family had an influence on him, it’s true, but his dad was Kenyan, and when he was going to school he got a lot of fellowships, scholarships, he stayed in the academic environment for a long time. He spent most of his career as an intellectual.”

The above quote is from Jeffrey Goldberg’s piece on and interview with the Hermanator in Bloomberg News.  (Read the article.  It’s worth it.)

Cain is a couple months late on this birther business, but evidently dude has no problem talking about stuff he knows nothing about.

Herman.  Herman, Herman, Herman.  Buddy.  What are you doing?  Go back to Shady Pines.  It’s time to eat your butterscotch pudding and watch your stories.  This presidential  campaign stuff isn’t for you.  Sarah Palin is running a better campaign than you are, and she’s not even running.  If you’re going to be a giant dumbass, you should at least be appealing.  You have all the charisma of a diaper full of cooked carrots.

Look, I know the country is still transfixed by Anthony’s Peener, but that will blow over (some day — I hope) and the ugly light of celebrité will soon shine on your hapless head.  As such, I’m starting a list of your Stupid Greatest Hits. Let’s get crackin’:

• You promised (and then quickly reneged on your promise) that — as president — you wouldn’t sign any bills longer than three pages so that every American could read them.
• You said you wouldn’t appoint a Muslim to your cabinet or as a federal judge, but then later said you totally would, as long as they took a special oath, and haha!, joke’s on you because the Constitution is Kryptonite to a Muslim!

“I don’t know one Muslim who will denounce Sharia Law, and then say they can support the Constitution of the United States of America. So my assumption based on what I know about their belief system is that they are not going to give up Sharia Law. Anybody that takes the oath of office in a Herman Cain administration will put their hand on the Bible, not the Koran!” ¹

• You proudly admitted on Fox News Sunday that you didn’t know what the Palestinian Right of Return is during the week that Netanyahu and Obama gave speeches on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.  I suppose we should be grateful you didn’t say something about Palestinians returning to their homeland, ringing bells and sending warning rockets to the Israelis, but there’s no excuse for not knowing what Right of Return means.  You’re running for President, dipshit.  You should know these things, or at least have enough sense to learn these things before appearing on the Sunday morning circuit after a week when the middle east was front and center in American politics.

• You chastised the Democrats for not reading the Constitution in the same breath you made it breathtakingly clear that you haven’t read it either:

We don’t need to rewrite the Constitution of the United States — rewrite it — , we need to reread the constitution and enforce the Constitution.  We don’t need to rewrite, let’s reread.  And I know that there are some people that are not going to do that, so for the benefit of those that are not going to read it because they don’t want to follow the Constitution, there’s a little section in there about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  You know those ideals that we live by, that we beleive in, they instilled in you… when you get to the part about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, don’t stop reading!  Keep reading! When any form of government becomes destructive of those ideals, it is the right of the people to alter and abolish it.  We’ve got some altering!  And some abolishing to do!

That last display of stupid really sticks in my craw.  Hey, jackass!  When you are reading the Constitution and you get to the part about “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” — that’s when Barack Obama will finally admit that he is Kenyan or was raised in Kenya, or that his name is Kenya and he lives on the second floor.  He lives upstairs from you, yes I guess you’ve seen him before.

Ugh.

Suffice it to say, Goldberg nails it:

[I]t is apparent that [Cain's] popularity, especially among conservatives aligned with the Tea Party, can be traced in large part to his status as the black guy who is not Obama, the Georgia Baptist with the American name. Cain overtly plays this role in front of conservative audiences, offering them public absolution for a sin they don’t believe is a sin: believing that the president is somehow alien to the U.S. and its way of life.

These people are making me lose my will to live.

¹ I retrieved this quote from the sewer known as “Fox Nation.”  It’s there.  Paste the quote into Google.  I’ll be good and dogdamned before I link to that festering sore.

[Drop your Herman Cain is a dumbass links in the comments.  I figure if I start compiling the last now, it should make for good reading by August 2012.]

[via The Atlantic]

[cross-posted here at Balloon Juice]