An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert: Why You Should Choose Me as Your Vice-Presidential Candidate*

Hey, bitchez. ‘Sup? I’ve been busy as hell planning the wedding and deciding on the important issues to pimp for my candidacy. You have probably heard the news that Stephen Colbert has formed a Super PAC so that he can….do something or the other. As he is a TV personality, he has to be careful not to violate his contract with Viacom.  There are rules and some such (I don’t have to worry as I am not on the TV machine), and he was very scrupulous to skirt the ethical line.  Much like Sarah Palin is doing.

BWAHAHAHAH.  I just put Sarah Palin near the word ethical.  That slays me.

Brief aside:  Pssssst, MSM.  She’s not running.  She’s leading you around by the balls noses, and you’re allowing her to do it.  Wah, wah, wah, she won’t tell us where she’s going or what she’s doing.  It’s sooooo dangerous for us to have to chase her around the country like this!

You know what?  You can CHOOSE not to do it!  I know it sounds crazy, but, hear me out.  The minute you stop chasing after her like dogs in heat, she’ll come running after you.  She lives for the limelight (and the mad monies she makes off of it), and she needs you as much as you seem to need her.   And, she’s a spoiled brat at heart, so if you stop giving her the attention she so craves, she will be pleading with you to give her five more minutes on the TV machine.

But, I digress, as usual.  Back to Stephen Colbert and his Super PAC¹.  It would seem to me, and I have to phrase this carefully so as to not get him in trouble, that Colbert has a bus tour in his very near future².   I know he’s done the bus tour before, so I fully expect him to do it again.

That got me thinking.  Sure, I would be a better candidate than any of the Republican candidates because of despite my lack of experience.  Sure, I am charismatic and can give starbursts galore.  And sure, I got tits and tats to titillate the masses.  You know what I don’t have, though?  Name recognition³.  In this day and age, if you don’t have name recognition, you don’t have shiitake⁴.

I put two and two together and got a very big, jazz hand, FOUR. Why the he–HADES should I bust my ass⁵ trying to get name recognition when, let’s face it, a woman will not be elected president yet?  I truly foresee a female being vice-president before reaching the pinnacle, and what better front man to push down the stairs learn from than Stephen Colbert?  Brilliant, if I do say so myself.  I think were he to choose to have a bus tour this year, he has a78% chance⁶ of securing the Republican nomination. And, as far as I know, he doesn’t have a running mate yet, which, of course, is where I come in.  I would be the PERFECT VP candidate for Stephen, and I’m writing an open letter to him telling him why he should choose me.

Dear Stephen Colbert,

Hiya.  My name is asiangrrlMN.  I am a huge fan of yours.  Not as huge a fan of you as YOU are, but pretty close.  I think you are more consistent than is Jon Stewart, and you have that whole Republican persona thing working for you.  I admire your talent in presenting the truth in a way that makes it palatable for people of all political backgrounds to swallow.  You are a uniter, Mr. Colbert, not a divider.  So, it was with interest that I watched as you announced the formation of your Super PAC.  I knew what that meant!  There would be a cross-country bus tour in your near future.  And, you need a VP candidate.  I should be that candidate.

Hear me out, Mr. Colbert.  I have been a lifelong Democrat since the moment I saw Ronald Reagan on TV (as president, not as an actor) and felt a shudder of repulsion ripple through my body.  I remember looking at him and thinking, “Who is this soulless man, and how can he be president?”  There was no there, there, and I just couldn’t understand how HE could be the leader of The Greatest Nation in the World™. Even though I was raised in an Evangelical, somewhat conservative, Taiwanese American household, I have never been anything other than a firebreathing⁷ liberal.  I did not vote for Clinton because I was out of the country the first time he was elected (and the first time I could vote) nor the second because I wanted to make a point by voting third party (and I waited until I was sure Clinton was reelected before doing so.  Yes, I voted for Nader, and no, it’s not hypocritical of me to blast anyone who did it in the 2000 campaign, but that’s another post for another time), and of course my vote for Gore didn’t count, and then Kerry did his best imitation of an animated marionette and got swiftboated back to the Senate.

I have been a bad girl, Mr. Colbert, oh, indeed, I have.  I have cursed (and how), told the truth about things like climate change and our political process, and I have had sex outside of marriage.  Oh, have I had sex outside of marriage.  Given that I’ve never been married, all sex I’ve had has been outside of marriage.  I’ve had lots and lots of hot, sweaty sex, Mr. Colbert, with many different people, sometimes at the same time, but I have seen the light, oh yes, I have.

You see, I think I have what it takes to be the President of the United States of America. If you want to follow the announcement of my candidacy, read this. You’ll enjoy this one as it mentions you.   This post contains the preliminaries of my platform shoes.  This post outlines my actual platform in formidable detail.   Really.  It’s quite impressive, if I do say so myself.  Oh, sure I could have run for president as a Democrat, but my kind are a dime-a-dozen in the Democratic Party something kept pulling me to the Republican Party (and no, it wasn’t the promise of seeing a naked Newt Gingrich dancing the macarena while he’s trashed off his ass, as tempting as that might be.).  I fought it as best as I could, but I soon succumbed to the mad monies I could make and the fame I could garner as an Asian Republican knowledge that I had to do my patriotic duty and switch political parties.

I would be the perfect president, except, I don’t have the monies, the experience, the connections, or the name recognition, which is where you come in, Mr. Colbert. You have all that except for the experience, but since people love quitters so much, they will REALLY love us for never having been in politics, right?  We would be the true mavericks, and the rightwingbatshitcrazies would just eat us up. Look, they already love you, so we’re halfway there! Of course, that brings us to the question of why you should choose me. Let me count the ways for you, Mr. Colbert.

1. Geographical knowhow.  I can see Canada from my house, and I will know when they are about to attack us because they hate our freedom-lovin’ ways.  Why, I know they are just bursting to flood the country with their illegal selves to experience the joys of free-market healthcare so they, too, can have the privilege of going into a lifetime of debt because of one-unforeseen accident.
2. Starbursts.  Let’s be frank, Mr. Colbert.  One reason Sarah Palin was so popular with the base is because she was able to make their flags rise, if you know what I mean.  Put me in a business suit like this, throw a pair of Naughty Monkeys heels on my feet, and let’s face it, it’s not going to matter if I know Iraq from Iran or who the prime minister of England is (all of which I do know, by the way).   All I have to do every time I’m asked a tough gotcha lamestream media question such as what papers do I read, is lean forward, twirl a lock of hair, giggle helplessly, and the reporter will come to my rescue.  And, the audience will only remember my awesome cleavage, and I can say anything I want.
3. Diversity.  It’s the white elephant in the Republican Party room.  For years, the Republican Party has played a game of, “Look!  We have one, too!”  That’s why they trotted out Michael Steele and Sarah Palin, and that’s why they are enthusiastic about Hermain Cain.  To them, it’s just the optics that matter, not what’s inside the person.  Therefore, can you imagine how much traction you would get with a Taiwanese American, bi, agnostic female?  It’s like hitting the jackpot four times in a row.  Of course, for this presidential vice-presidential run, I have found God–and let me say, that mofo is really hard to find.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I happened to be walking by Loring Park in Minneapolis at three in the morning one Friday night/morning when He was cruising for some–oh, sorry.  I’m not allowed to talk about that–and I have renounced my wicked, wicked ways.  But that still leaves me Asian and female and a former heathen queer, so you have most of your bases covered.
4. Brains. I actually have one. I can speak in coherent sentences so one does not need Babelfish in order to understand my message.  I am a quick study,  and I will be able to regurgitate whatever pablum you wish to spread to the masses.  I did some acting in a former lifetime, and I can sell Team Colbert/asiangrrlMN without making it seem like a hard sell.  I am also charismatic, which is an excellent skill to have as a politician.  You can send me to speak in your stead without worrying that I’ll get caught sneaking a peak at the misspelled notes on my hand.
5. Loyalty.  I will back you 110%, no matter what ridiculous claims you make.  I will gaze at you adoring as if you were the most fascinating, handsome, compelling man on earth (like I said, I used to act.  It should be a piece of cake for me.).  I will fluff your balls ego endlessly, and if I do have ta correct you on something, I will do it only when the media is shining the spotlight on us behind closed doors.  I got your back, and I will only leave you if someone offers me more monies or more fame never desert you.
6. I’m in it to win it.  I hate to lose.  Hate is too mild a word, actually.  I loathe it with every fiber of my being.  I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it would make me famous we could win.  I won’t quit on you when the going gets tough or go rogue, and I won’t take a vacation three weeks into our candidacy.  I will wait until at least the first month is over before taking my usual weekend in Paris.    I am like a pitbull with lipstick except I don’t wear lipstick, but I will if you think it will help get us elected.

Mr. Colbert, I think I have laid out many exceptional reasons why you should pick me as your running mate for your upcoming cross-country bus tour.  Please think it over and get in touch with me when you realize the brilliance of my plan.  Remember, with the two of us working together, we will Make Our Way to a Brighter, Whiter America!

Kiss, kiss,

asiangrrlMN

*Not just because I can give starbursts, though that’s in the top five reasons.
¹kage. I couldn’t resist.
²If you know what I mean, and I think you do.
³And monies. But, you can get the monies if you have the name recognition.
⁴Yeah, I’m trying not to swear again for my official campaign posts.
⁵To refresh the memory, not a swear.
⁶Ass number.
⁷As opposed to a Duraflame firebagger. DO NOT confuse me with one of those.