Sit down and gather round. I’m going to tell you a little story. Back in the days when I was but a wee lass, I used to write poetry. No, it’s true. Before I wrote fiction or opinion pieces or movie reviews, I would pour out all my heartfelt emotions onto a blank page, mostly in free-form. I started writing poetry when I was seven, and I still do to this day. Granted, I don’t write it much, and it’s not my métier. I don’t like reading poetry for the most part, and I don’t think about it much, which saddens my best friend because she’s a poetry aficionado, but I do scribble a poem from time to time.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Um, asiangrrlMN? Why the hell* are you waxing poetically about poetry when your title says this post is about that batshitcrazy lady from your home state? She’s a fucking joke, and yet, she’s probably the forerunner at this point for the Republican candidate for the presidential election of 2012.*** Shouldn’t you be ripping your goddamn hair out by the roots and gnashing your teeth in impotent fury?”
First of all, I like my hair (it’s one of my better features, if I do say so myself, and I do), so there will be no hair-ripping-out for me, thankyewverymuch. Secondly, I already grind my teeth so much so I have to wear mouth-guard when I sleep. I also have lockjaw. So, I am not going to expend any tooth dust for her, nosiree. I think you all know how I feel about her. If not, you can read this post I wrote when I first got wind that she was actually considering running for president, and no, it wasn’t a joke. I also wrote this piece over at my place when Bachmann started to get more notice, explaining why she bothers me even more than does Sarah Palin.
Awienick’s kid is back doing his adorable thing:
Let me be clear. Michele Bachmann is no more qualified to be president than you are or I am. In fact, I would say less so. Call me, Colbert! She is a True Believer, I think, and she’s more than a little touched in the head. In addition, she is deeply stupid. I don’t know how she managed to pass the bar, and I shudder to think of her practicing law. If she were somehow to win the presidency, I think we all would be wishing for the End Times to be upon us. Rapture her away! Please!
But, you know what? For all her batguanocraziness, there is a certain, dare I say it, poetry in the words of Michele Bachmann that is not present in Palin’s word salad.*** And, I promised y’all a very special post when Bachmann formally announced her candidacy. This is close enough. So, here we go. An ode to the crazy-eyed lady from Minnesota in three different forms.
Haiku:
Michele Bachman schemes
“Gangster government!” no more;
she eyes the White House.
Limerick:
There once was a woman named Michele,
Whose presidential candidacy was a very hard sell.
She pledged to root out the commies
And refuse breast pumps to lactating mommies–
Then she added, “Not all cultures are equal!”
She walks around with a crazed look in her eye, ever the gullible kook
Ready to spew the latest nonsense on her daily pet issue;
She’s obsessed with cutting spending and not raising taxes,
Chasing phantom menaces only she considers dangerous
She’s become more and more deranged, slowly, over the years—
Supported by her red-meat lovin’, gun-totin’, Bible-clutchin’ base throughout.
Her words are garbled, the nonsense in her ideas stark throughout
In past days, she would be standing on the corner, nothing but a kook
Now, she’s risen through the GOP ranks in the past several years,
And she has a laundry list of edicts she would like to issue
Like all her ideas, they are ill-conceived and dangerous–
Whenever she speaks, she trips up on grammar, cadence, and syntax.
With her idiocy, crazy-eyed ranting, and her paranoia, my patience is taxed,
My blood boiling at her sheer stupidity throughout
The concept of a Bachmann presidency chills me; it’s dangerous
We came close enough in 2008 with Grumpy McCain and Sarah Palin, the kook;
The latter stirred up trouble all along the campaign trail, distorting every issue
Talkin’ in that fake home-spunny accent and trying to look less than her years.
Michele Bachmann is the darling of the base and will be for years
She’s my personal cross to bear, and her presence is already taxing.
Whether or not she actually wins the nomination is not the issue
It’s the agitas and heartburn that I will suffer during the silly season, throughout—
For my delicate and wilting constitution, it could be rather dangerous.
I know that her chances of being elected president are not dangerous,
But I am still wary as near as we are to the hind end of the W. years
I’ve had had enough of anus berets, idiots, zealots, and kooks,
Bush wrecked the economy by funding two wars and cutting deeply into rich people’s taxes
And he grinned and goofed and shocked and awed his way throughout
Tap dancing around every single Damascus Fig issue.
But, don’t take my word for it when it comes to Michele Bachman and her issues
I don’t have to say anything to make her look unbalanced at best and, at worst, dangerous
If you look carefully at her career, starting in MN, and then as a US representative, throughout
She has spouted enough guano that if stupidity were gold, she could pay off the deficit AND any compound tax
Here are three prime quotes from Minnesota’s best-known kook:
“[Gay marriage] is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years.”
“I want people in MN armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax…”
“I have experienced that throughout my political career being labeled a kook.”
Everything in quotes in the poems above are direct quotes from Bachmann. I started this as a fun post, but after reading a shiitake-load of quotes by her and listening to her grating voice, I have lost the will to live. Excuse me while I go poke my eyeballs out with my rusty pitchfork and pour brain bleach directly into my head. Oh, and here is a song that suits her well, methinks–both because of the artist and in content.
May Bieber have mercy on all our souls.
*Since you’re the one asking, you’re allowed to swear.
**Granted, right now it’s the pizza guy and Chimp Pawlenty and things can change in a heartbeat, but she killed in Iowa last week.
***OK, no, there isn’t. I don’t care. I’m saying it because it’s the perfect lead-in for the rest of the piece.
The only thing that holds me back from preparing to completely and utterly enjoy the upcoming Republican primaries is the scary thought that one of these nutbags, Bachmann chief among them, could be president. Maybe.
I hear ya, Elisabeth. Even though the chance is slim, it’s still better than none, and that’s too much of a chance for me.
I can only imagine the consternation among the Republicans that were trying to pander to the lunatic fringe. Bachmann’s seen their crazy and raised it out of reach.
Really – how do you out-nutcase her?
Did you catch the part about wanting to raise taxes on single mothers, to promote “family formation”??? The crazy bitch thinks single moms don’t have it hard enough – if you’re a “ho” who never marries, a widow whose hubby got blown up in Iraq, or a cancer-riddled Gingrich wife, YOU NEED TO PAY MORE TAXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.examiner.com/political-buzz-in-national/rep-bachmann-r-minn-proposes-tax-code-to-promote-family-formation-video
You just had to link that, didn’t you Denise. Dingdang it. I’m trying to give my mind a break from all things Bachmann, and you have to throw the red meat out to me. Couple this with the caca the Huckster was shucking about Natalie Portman and single mothers, and I feel another post burbling up inside (sans poetry).
asiangrrlMn, you’re probably going to KILL me for this, but here goes:
http://thepoliticalcarnival.net/2011/03/30/audio-rep-bobby-franklins-r-ga-anti-abortion-home-answering-machine-message/
My dear friend Deborah just e-mailed me that, and I had to share the pain.
You’re welcome.
holy crap.
Ah yes, the batshit tornado known as Michelle Bachmann. That she actually gets as much facetime in the news as she does just blows my little brown mind.
Let her run, she will drive the rest of the GOP wannabe’s to the right and thats a good thing as I hope to hell the buyers remorse has set in deep for every jackass that voted for an R last time around. I am talking to you Wisconsin voters!
Let’s also send a big thank-you to all the “disaffected Dems” who found President Barack (worse than Bush, really more like Hitler) Obama insufficiently Naderesque and sat on their hands, further enabling the Republican enemy.
And a very, very special thank-you to all the very angry Dems who went even further, and urged others to stay home.
And it’s probably best not to even ask me what I think about Glenn Greenwald or Ed Schultz right about now.
The bright spot there is that it might have opened the door to let more of the crazy out. As aggravating as it is people have been exposed to Walker in WI and Kasich in OH. These are states that Obama won in 2008 that might have been more swing in 2012. Hopefully, the actions by these two in particular finally (if temporarily) show people what the Republicans actually stand for.
It also allows Bachmann et al to feel like they have a chance when polls show that this is probably not the case in the GE.
I haven’t missed a friggin election since I turned 18. Yes, I am pissed-the-hell off at the Indy and Dem voters who stayed home or actually thought the R’s would be better than the status quo. I too was pissed at the ball-less congress critters too..but christ…voting for extremism by pulling the handle for a friggin R?
Talk about batshitcrazy…those voters screwed the country and states so bad, they make The Shrub look normal in some respects.
I vote every time myself.
I even go to precinct caucuses every year. (That’s how we roll here in MN.) And city and district conventions too.
Representative government is by definition participatory.
And my favorite reply to those who don’t bother (especially those who, for some perverse reason, are proud of it) is to point out the end of apartheid in South Africa, and the people there in their 70′s and beyond – who walked for hours and stood in long lines, often all day, to cast the first votes of their lives, and then ask what the non-voter’s excuse is.
Amen amen!
Urgh…. I can’t even imagine that Americans would actually vote her into the White House. If they did I would gladly give up my citizenship. Loony bins like her are dangerous….
Palin’s star faded, and she had a few more functional IQ points than MB, in addition to cool glasses. If Ms Palin with her 502 kids and ability to shoot animals from planes can’t make, I don’t worry too much about Breast Pump Bachman.
Thanks, all, for the discussion. I agree: vote every fusilli time. Vote like it means something. Vote until it hurts. Vote because dang it, it matters–especially here in Minnesota.
And, while I don’t give much credence to a Bachmann run, I really despise the fact that she gets ANY face-time at all. Look at Keith Ellison. Look at Al Franken. Look at Betty McCollum (my rep). They are doing a shiitake-load of good work, and how much camera-time do they get? Nada or next to it.
Gah!
You say, “explaining why she bothers me even more than does Sarah Palin.”
I say…At least we (and Alaska) kicked Palin’s ass.
We can take on batshitcrazyfundykook lady as well.
@ Asiangrrl — Brava on the poetry, and especially for having the pluck to produce a sestina! To see that form on a polisnark blog warms the cockles of my old English major’s heart.
@ That Guy With The Ponytail — Preach it, brother! I would like to personally slap the smug faces of every single idiot in Florida who stayed home in 2010 to “send a message to Obama” and thereby saddled us with our vile cockroach of a governor.
Having grown up in the tropical paradise of Minneapolis, it is indeed embarrassing to have the likes of Bachmann represent my home state on the news. However, it beautifully fragements the GOP and can only lead to its demise.
OK. I’m a little more coherent now, so some personal responses.
Dusty, welcome to the jungle. I, too, cannot comprehend why so much attention is paid to this woman.
TGwtP, hey, man, where you at in our fair state? The other frustrating thing about MN is all the Dems who vote third party to teach the Democrats a lesson. Yeah, that’s how we got Pawlenty for two terms and almost ended up with Emmer!
Jamie, girl. You made a wise choice to move after Reagan was re-elected. I’m hoping the country is not so far gone as to hand over the reins to this woman or any of her ilk.
gc, good for you! You can be the optimistic one of the bunch.
whabs, that’s the fighting spirit. I have a hunch we’re going to need it for 2012.
Betty C., thanks! Despite the subject, it was fun to test out the ol’ poetry chops once again. I have always loved the sestina.
The Usual Suspect, I take it you’re no longer in MN. Still, I feel ya. She’s an embarrassment to all Minnesotans, past, present, and future. I hope you’re right about her fragmenting the Republican Party even further and casting it into the ethers FOREVER!
I’m close enough to the Capitol to walk there on a nice day.
Really, close enough to walk there on a crappy day too, though why would I bother?
You?
OUCH! I seem to have accidently stumbled upon a haven of MSLSD’ers. One can only imagine why you uber-losers inordinately dwell on the likes of Michele in what seems to be an unhealthy (if not unlawful) manner. You liberal pseudo-males who pretend you wouldn’t eat the corn out of her shit are laughable. And you Madeline Albright clones can only imagine what it would be like to get long-dicked every night like the ultra-attractive Michele instead of trying to decide which kitchen utensil will satisfy your unused snatch. You’re fooling no one, I assure you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
pig
You seemed to have taken an unfortunate detour. Assholes ‘R Us is that way —–>
Good luck finding your way!
Wow. Impeccable logic and reasoning. Exactly what I’ve come to expect from rightwingnutters who think with the wrong head. And, the thing you’re doing? It’s called projection. No matter how hard you slobber over her boots, Michele Bachmann wouldn’t give you the time of day except to call the cops on your ass. Dim as she is, even SHE’S not that stupid–or desperate. Now, shoo. I need to fumigate the place to get rid of your stink.
Marcus, is that you?
Michele, not getting her nails done, but rubbing the lipstick off.
Felt I should share.
Hi, M.Bouffant! Good to see you. And, snicker, snort. That made me laugh. Thanks.
Neo-normal exposes himself as a fraud.
Anyone with half a brain knows the lovely and talented Ms. Bachmann would have his neocon ass hauled to jail for being nearly as perverted as the dreaded gays with that nasty ass-corn eating bullshit and the suggestion that she has sex for anything other than procreative purposes or actually ENJOYS it. And liberal women are whores who give it up to every Tom, DICK and Harry.
Get your facts straight before you troll, dude. Your White Knight attempt failed, HARD.
“HARD” is not in his vocabulary.
Probably not in his drawers, either.
I’m really impressed with the poetic detour you took us on!
I think that you could probably read your poetry better than your average poet. You have better performing chops than most who write poems and aspire to read them. But maybe your high standard for good performance is the reason, and for that I value your discriminating taste.
Thanks, Choolie. It’s been decades since I’ve written a sestina. As to your latter point, if it’s in reference to the fact that I don’t like poetry, I don’t even like to read it. To clarify, I’m talking mostly about traditional poetry. I like slam poetry if it’s done well, so that proves your point, methinks. If it’s in reference to the fact that I say poetry is not my forte, well, that’s just fact. But, I do write a good performance poem, if I do say so myself.