My Red, White, and True Blue Republican Platform. Also. Too.

In my last post, I laid out the bare bones of my platform.  Since then, I have given it a great deal of thought, and I have come to see the error of my ways*.  So, without further ado, I present to you my real platform for my candidacy for president of these here United States of America.  Except Hawaii.  That’s not really part of America–not like Alaska.  I’m just sayin’.  So, without further ado, I slip on my platform shoes and…

Hold up.  A few more wedding decisions to announce.  I have decided to change up the outfits of my bridesmaids.  While the Statue of Liberty is a nice symbol, I’m not sure I want multiple representations of her.  To refresh your memory, my matron-of-honor (hi, Kat!) will wear this.   I must confess that I’m mightily tempted by this ensemble because of the green face, but I don’t find the cut of the dress as flattering.   The other bridesmaids, however, will be Martha Washington, Betsy Ross, and a random colonial woman so we can remember our founding foremothers, too.  Also.  And, let’s not forget, the greatest woman ever in American politics: Sarah Palin.  You ladies can fight amongst yourselves for the great honor of being the Quitta Thrilla from Wasilla.

The ceremony will be in Austin if I don’t make it onto the Colbert show.  Remember, twit him @StephenatHome and make sure to use the hashtags, #faketrioticwedding and #CallmeColbert when you do twit him on the Twitter Machine.  BJonthegrid knows the heartland, and she firmly informed me that N’Awlins, Hawaii, and even Alaska are out as wedding/honeymoon destinations.  She said to capture the heart of real ‘Murikans, I have to get married in a state choking hand-over-fist in Megachurches**.  So, why Austin?  Because Texas is a red state, and Austin is the bluest city in said red state.  In other words, perhaps BJonthegrid and ABL will not have to sneak in and out with the hired help to attend the shindig.

Now.  My platform.   To set the stage, here is a video of a singer who exemplifies real America to the core singing God Bless America:

My Fellow Americans:

Today, we stand on the precipice of disaster.  As our eyes turn to the future, we realize it’s not so bright, we have to wear shades.  The American Dream is in ashes, my friends.  ASHES, I say.  I cast my eye back wistfully to the 1950s when men were men, women were on Valium, and the nonwhites knew where they belonged.  Life was so much simpler then.  We didn’t have to worry about little things like equal rights or equal pay for equal jobs.   Women knew that they would grow up, get married, and make sure there was never dirt on THEIR CLEAN FLOORS!  Those were easier times.  Gentler times.  Times when a man could work all day and support his family, not like now when a woman has to work, too, in order to pay the bills.

We have so many problems, my friends.  Problems that the Kenyan Usurper in Chief is doing nothing to ameliorate.  Oh, sorry.  That means make better for those of you with a shaky grasp on words with more than two syllables.

First of all, I stand by most of my platform.  I rescind the part about the banksters and the Top Producers decimating our economy because Uncle Karl said he would take away all my books if I kept saying that, and even though I’m a convert to the Republican Party, you will have to take my books from my cold, dead hands before I give them up I was being unfair to the poor men and women who worked their asses off to relieve us of the burden of our meager monies.

Look.  That’s all in the past.  As my beloved idol, Peggy Noonan, once said, and I’m paraphrasing the great lady, sometimes you just have to walk on by.  And, we have to make tough choices because times are tough and we all have to tighten our belts and hunker down and sacrifice for the common good.  We know that the number one most important thing right now is jobs, jobs, jobs.  So, with that in mind, here is my plan to create more jobs.

• Ban masturbation to the point of ejaculation for men.  Conception, we are told, begins in the womb.  I, for one, disagree.  I think life begins in the penis where the little sperm wriggle around, full of, what, LIFE.  Men MUST be stopped from killing off all their little mini-mes willy-nilly.  If elected president, I will put a camera in every bedroom and personally ensure that no man is spilling his seed in an nonproductive manner.  This travesty has to end.  Think of all the Americans who are prevented from being born, growing up, and toiling away at minimum wage in order for me to get my nails done every week and my house cleaned every day.
• Ban marriage.  Teh gayz want to destroy the institution of marriage.  They don’t say so, oh no, they are much more nefarious and sly than that.  Teh gayz, they form unions, some that last for decades.  They form these stable, happy relationships and then demand the right to make them legitimate.  They are making normal heterosexual couples look bad in comparison, what with the divorce rate being what it is.  It’s a disgrace, I tell you–a disgrace!  But, alas, my friends, I do not see the march turning this tide back around.  Gay marriage is creeping inexorably upon us.  Oh, sure, we can defeat it at the ballot boxes and through Congress for a little bit longer, but we can’t put a finger in that dike forever, I’m afraid.  So, in order to preserve the sanctity of marriage,  I will abolish it for everyone before teh gayz can get their grimy hands on it and sully it.  That way, we honor the memory of the wonderful institution of marriage as it never was.

• Keep the church in the state.  My friends, America is a Christian nation.  Our founding fathers were all about the Bible and God.  We are one nation under God–not under Allah or Buddah or Siva.  You cannot spell America without G-O-D, so why do we have separation of church and state, anyway?  We are a better nation when we acknowledge our roots and stand proudly with God.  God is the state, and the state is God.  If we let the government do too much, then it hurts God.  As Jim DeMint said so eloquently:

Some are trying to separate the social, cultural issues from fiscal issues, but you really can’t do that.  America works, freedom works, when people have that internal gyroscope that comes from a belief in God and Biblical faith.  Once we push that out, you no longer have the capacity to live as a free person without the external controls of an authoritarian government.  I’ve said it often, and I believe it–the bigger government gets, the smaller God gets***.  As people become more dependent on government, less dependent on God.

• Um.  OK.  Back to the former point.  I am not able to completely follow Senator DeMints’ crazy guano (h/t Shadow’s Mom for this substitute for doodoo) intricate reasoning, but I gather that he believes that…um…I got nothing on that one, sorry.  However, as to my proposal to keep the church in the state, it boils down to this.  I believe that the church should be a major player in this country.  We are a Christian nation, my friends, which means we need to put the Christ back in America.  How do we do that?  We get political with our Christian beliefs.  Hades, we’ve been doing this for years, anyway, so it’s just time to come out and say it:  We want Jesus at the helm of Ship America.  If so, we need to stop being wusses and man up and say, take away the tax exemption status for churches.  We want to get all up in your grill with our religious fervor, and we’re willing to pay for it.  Can I get an AMEN from the pews?  Hollah!
• Abolish the Republican Party.  I can hear gasps on this one, but hear me out.  For decades, the mantra of the Republican Party has been that government is part of the problem and not part of the solution.  The GOP has hammered this point home over and over and over again until I want to run screaming from the room, my hands clamped over my ears, pleading for sweet oblivion.  You know what?  They are right.  Government IS the problem–as long as the government in question is run by the Republicans.  The pattern has been clear for the last few decades.  A Democratic president leaves office with a surplus and the country in a relatively stable situation.  A Republican enters, trashes the country, and leaves office with America in much worse shape than she was in when said Republican entered office.  Every. Dingdang. Time.  Hades and Damascus Figs, look at what the current crop of Republicans are doing to the states of Florida, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Ohio.  If that doesn’t chill you, nothing will.  So, as much as it pains me to say it about my beloved party****, it’s time for the GOP to go.  As soon as I’m elected.

That’s it, my friends.  That is my platform as to how we are going to get J-O-B-S again in America.  It will be a tough road.  It will be a hard road.  We will trudge up that road together, and we will stand atop the smoldering ruins of a once-great country and be proud that we accomplished this feat together.  Here’s a better version of God Bless America:

I am asiangrrlMN, and I approve this message.  Vote for me in 2012.  I’m outie.

*Don’t hurt me, Uncle Karl!

**Except she said it more eloquently.

***And who among us wants to be responsible for God shrinkage?  Not I!

****An intense, but short-lived love affair, I think.