Islamophobia Will Destroy Ya: Facebookers with Too Much Time on Their Hands

There’s too many motherfuckin’ sockpuppets in this motherfuckin’ internet!

Good grief! Is this my destiny? After publishing my recent story about the sockpuppet known as RainbowGirl and her reign of error at DailyKos, I had hoped I was done writing about people creating fake identities online in furtherance of their nefarious agendas.

But no! They keep pulling me back in!

Thursday began, as so many days do, with a check-in at Facebook. See what’s happening among my circle of virtual friends, get the latest news and views. The hot topic that morning was the Peter King (R-NY Asshole) inquisition on Radical Mooslims who are coming to rape your daughters and blow you to smithereens while you’re shopping at WalMart.

Congresswoman Jackie Speier (D-CA Righteous Woman Warrior¹) posted a Facebook status update on the hearings, in which she would be participating, as follows:

An excellent and righteous statement in defense of the Muslim community, and one that was getting mostly favorable comments from her Facebook followers, except for one guy from Pflugerville, TX, who had dire warnings about her re-election chances (perhaps he’ll be moving to her district before 2012?).

And then came Emma, the turd in the punchbowl. She wasn’t very popular with the rest of Jackie’s fans.

Oh snap! That last guy told her off good. Wow, Punchbowl Turd Emma sounds like she’s been ODing on Pamela Geller’s bikini wax. Though you have to admire a girl who quotes Stalin².

My comment apparently motivated Punchbowl Turd Emma to “research” me, which is to say she clicked through to my profile to see who I am. And once she had completed her research, she was ready to put me in my place.

 Ooh burn! Allan’s gay! Mooslims hate gays! Punchbowl Turd Emma doesn’t actually want the Mooslims to kill Allan, mind you; what’s really important is that Allan must hate the Mooslims for hating the gays.

(Of course, I shouldn’t be concerned about the large number of Christians living in my zip code alone who hate gays and want us killed. Nor should I worry about the Christians who are test-marketing a New Holocaust against Homosexuals in Uganda as we speak. Nope, I should just hate the Mooslims as much as Punchbowl Turd Emma, and all will be good.)

And then, just an hour later, while Punchbowl Turd Emma continues her charm offensive against Jackie Speier fans who don’t hate Mooslims enough, a new participant appears in the comment thread.

 Wait, what? Who’s this? Elijah Muhammad? Where did he come from, and why does he mention me and my spouse by name like that? Isn’t it CONVENIENT that he just dropped in to “prove” Emma’s point? And more importantly, didn’t he die in 1975? I remember walking by his mansion on the South Side of Chicago when I was in college there, and he was already dead then.

Then, I received a direct message from the late Elijah.

WTF is he talking about Lut, England, if he’s already read my FB profile and knows I live in California with my husband?

So I go to check out Elijah’s profile and find it a bit, well, skimpy.

Wow, that’s really interesting. He has no friends, and a very short list of “likes” as well.

Nice picture, though. Wonder how long he’s been around on FB?

Wow. He’s had a profile picture posted for an entire day now! And looking pretty good for a guy who’s been dead for 36 years. And his entire comment history on FB was also born on Wednesday, and he’s mainly said the same thing over and over to Muslims:

Elijah Muhammad even appears in the same Keith Ellison comment thread as Punchbowl Turd Emma, and they both are very concerned about the exact same thing — that Ellison may be funded by the Muslim Brotherhood. Why, it’s almost as if the two of them are sharing a common mind!

Oh, and the following morning, “Elijah” had a second message for me:

My, that’s really scary. Elijah wants me to see an article from a progressive website about how much Mooslims hate gays. It was really thoughtful of him to find something from the internet that he thought would really speak to my concerns like that, instead of sending me to some site that radical Mooslims like him actually read.

So it seemed like it was time to get to know Punchbowl Turd Emma a little better. Well, she appears to be a real person who has been using FB for some time, though she has parts of her profile locked down so that strangers can’t see it. Can’t be too careful, you know. There are a lot of crazy people out there who might use that information in creepy or stalkerish ways. As Emma knows all too well.

And Emma has interests. Many interests. Many creepy, racist, neo-fascist and eliminationist interests.

I especially love how benignly her list begins, then how increasingly Islamophobic and Teatardy it becomes. It’s as if you can see her going insane right before your eyes, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.³

I wonder if MIT Sloan School of Management is extra proud of Emma. I wonder if she sends in updates for the alumni magazine:

I’m supporting the United Way here in the greater Boston area, and in my spare time I create scary Mooslim sockpuppets on Facebook in order to harrass people who fail to hate Mooslims as much as I do. I also like to hang out with skinhead punks from the Defence League and tag along when they go around smashing Mooslims in the head with rocks while I watch, and masturbate.

Sadly, MIT’s Sloan School of Management doesn’t appear to think highly enough of Emma and her War on Mooslims to feature her among their online alumni profiles. But hey, there’s always next year!

And she’s a sly one, that Punchbowl Turd Emma.

Notice how cleverly she covers her tracks even later on in Jackie Speier’s thread:

OMG! Someone created a fake FB account and sent Punchbowl Turd Emma hate mail! Why, it might have been “mochhmmad or allan brauer” being all creepy and stalkery to poor Punchbowl Turd Emma. It couldn’t be that she’s preemptively accusing others of doing something she herself has been doing, in order to throw them off her trail. No, couldn’t be that at all.

And what does it say about the cause Punchbowl Turd Emma supports that she feels compelled to “win” her arguments by creating ficticious characters to validate her accusations?

Well, I’m off to report Punchbowl Turd Emma, alumna of MIT Sloan School of Management, to Facebook as a sockpuppet creator and stalker. I’ll leave it to the FB administrators to compare the IP addresses of Emma and the late Elijah Muhammed. And who knows how many other identities have been generated from her diseased laptop⁴?

1. Seriously, Congresswoman Jackie Speier is a righteous woman, who like Gabrielle Giffords is literally fucking bulletproof. I doubt she’s scared of a sad little Punchbowl Turd like Emma.

2. Too bad Stalin never said it. Nor did Lenin, to whom it’s more often attributed.

3. The United Way is probably not a creepy, racist, neo-fascist and eliminationist organization. Though I can’t speak for the Massachusetts Bay & Merrimack Valley chapter.

4. I have no evidence that Emma has tertiary syphilis, or that her brain matter resembles swiss cheese because spirochetes have been feasting on it. But it would be irresponsible not to speculate.