Michael "Bionic Weed Smoker" Phelps is Swimming Again

Headed to Shanghai for the world championships in July

I will outswim you. And then I will smoke you.

Last week, in news that shocked exactly no one, Michael Phelps was named for the U.S. swim team.  He will compete in four individual events (200 meters freestyle, 100 and 200 butterfly and 200 individual medley) and up to three relays.

You may not remember Michael Phelps, but he won a metric fuckton¹ of gold medals at the Beijing Olympics in 2008.  Then he got in a spot of trouble after he was photographed doing hard drugs smoking weed at a party.  Quelle horreur!

After Phelps crushed the hopes and dreams of legions of Americans and admitted that he smoked weed (just the one time!), the country clutched its collective pearls, wondering whether Phelps would be able to make a comeback from such a scandal.

And, as a result of this country’s nitwittery when it comes to the weed, Phelps was forced to issue bullshit apologies:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

In response, the United States Olympics Committee was all, “Tsk Tsk! Don’t you know you’re a role model, son!?”:

The U.S. Olympic Committee said it was “disappointed in the behavior recently exhibited by Michael Phelps,” who was selected the group’s sportsman of the year. He also was honored as AP male athlete of the year, and his feat in Beijing — breaking Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for most gold medals in an Olympics — was chosen as the top story of 2008.

“Michael is a role model, and he is well aware of the responsibilities and accountability that come with setting a positive example for others, particularly young people,” the USOC said in a statement. “In this instance, regrettably, he failed to fulfill those responsibilities.”

Render unto me a break already.

First, it should be noted that under the current World Anti-Doping Agency code, cannabis is not considered a banned substance during out-of-competition testing, and that athletes face suspension only if they test positive for it at a competition.  So, who cares?

Second,it should be noted that when it comes to Phelps’ standing on the failed athlete/role model scale, I’m fairly certain no one gives a crap about Phelps smoking Teh Weedz after the Tiger Woods Sexitime Shenannies.

Third, it should be noted that who cares?!

Fourth, it should be noted that athletes are not role models.  They’re fucking athletes.  Get over it.

And finally, it should be noted that WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

Apparently, no one, really.  Phelps’ sensimilla scandal blew over before it blew up.  He lost only one sponsor.  (Kellogg is going to be kicking itself when Phelps wins another eleventy-four medals and no one buys their Frosted Flakes because how are consumers supposed to know which breakfast cereals are healthy if the photos of successful hella-gold-medal-winning athletes aren’t emblazoned all over them!?? R.I.P. Tony the T.)

By the time the 2012 Olympics roll around and people recall who Michael Phelps is (and remember that he is our nation’s greatest treasure) weed will probably be legal anyway², so really?  WHO CARES.

I guess what I’m saying here, y’all, is: NO ONE CARES.

¹ That’s 14, for you noobz.

² It better be.

[Wanna read my old-ass yet still hilarious posts on the Phelps debacle?  Click here, here, here, and here.]