Ooookay then, what to write about? /taps finger on chin/ Hmmmm.
There is a heck of a lot going on. The swearing-in of the new United States Congress, the heckling of Israel’s Prime Minister and Interior Minister, the fact that apparently the minivan is “rising again.” Stuff that I should probably consider, analyze, weigh, pronounce upon and declare -
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding.
NONE OF IT MATTERS!
IT’S FUCKING RAINING BIRDS!
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
And you know, not to be alarmist or anything but, not only is it raining birds, but fish are dying by the tens of thousands, too!
I am not, by nature, a crazy person. I do not believe in conspiracies, nor ancient prophecies, nor, indeed, any literal understanding of any of your holy scriptures, be they mono- or polytheistic. I am, in fact, rather a fan of science and the scientific method. I have been known, on more than frequent occasion, to quote that wisest of men, Randall Munroe, who once said, wisely: “Science. It works, bitches.” That’s how much I like science.
But I confess that I have begun to consider the Apocalypse — ooh, wait, do you think that’s it? People used the word “apocalypse” to makes stupid snow puns too many times and then the gods were all “Are you crazy? That’s just heavy snow! I’mma show you an apocalypse, morons!” Maybe, maybe that’s it! Hurry, weather reporters, make sacrifices! Go, pundits, do dances! The future of humanity depends on it!
Because motherfucking birds and fish are falling from the sky and clogging up the motherfucking waterways!!1!
I’m actually just barely educated/modern/sane enough to believe that, in fact, science is going to find the answer to these genuinely horrible events, but I really don’t think the answer’s going to be at all comforting.
Already folks on the Twitter (which, I know, I established just yesterday how useless a measure Twitter is, get off my case) are suggesting Shadowy Conspiracy (one tweet, re-tweeted a good few times, read “who’s testing on birds and what are they testing?”), and truth be told: What do I know? Either some absolutely frightening natural phenomenon (which I would be willing to bet would be traceable to human activity, like, you know, toxins in the air and, I don’t know, toxins in the water) has overcome literally hundreds of thousands of God’s creatures in the same week, or someone really is testing something and it’s gone south. Like: To Hades, south. We test fucking make-up on animals — who’s to say we wouldn’t test some new nerve gas or food pellet or hairspray out in the wild? Who’s to say?!
And in case you’re wondering, I’m certainly not buying the “oh, all those birds must have run into something, LOL!” theory, nor the one that says that 500 birds got chilly and, boom: Died. Render unto me (as a very wise woman was once given to saying) a break. Aside from anything else, they’re dropping from the sky in Louisiana and Sweden (!!), too.
I might consider the “disease outbreak” theory for 100,000 (!!!) fish in Arkansas – but a) why’d so many get so sick, so fast (bringing me back to the Humans Are Fucking Everything Up theory) and b) two million are also dead in Chesapeake Bay, not to mention c) they’re dying in New Zealand and Brazil to0!!!
So yeah. Fucking hell, what is up with this shit? I don’t know, and I would wager that so far? No one else does either. All we know is that birds are dropping, en masse, from the sky and fish are dying, en masse, in their natural homes. But really: No need for panic.
Now, you all can do whatever you want with your little “Congress” and your little “foreign countries” and your little “mini-vans,” but if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a bunker. I have some tin foil hats I think I should be trying on.
Update: Wait, hold on. What’s that? Science is actually on it?
According to Smithsonian Institution bird curator Gary Graves, this is one of those times where the human brain’s penchant for pattern-finding has gone a little haywire. Mass bird deaths aren’t uncommon. There’s a lot of reasons why they happen. Once we’re primed to pay attention, we start to see them everywhere.
Oh. Um, ok then. Never mind!