I don’t have cable. Why, asiangrrlMN, do you not have cable? I can hear you asking yourself that–and, even if you’re not, I’m going to make you ask yourself that because I am the writer. I can make you say or think anything I want. Anyway, I don’t have cable for a few reasons. One, I refuse to pay a hundred dollars a month to watch three channels–ESPN, the Food Network*, and Comedy Central. Nah. Ganna. Happen. Second, I would be watching said channels all the fucking time. Underwater basket-weaving? I’m there. Rachel Ray? I’m–not there, but tempted. South Park marathon? Totally there.
Sudden interjection. I am a cultural illiterate. I don’t like most things that are considered mainstream. Movies, books, TV–if it’s popular, it probably won’t appeal to me. Conversely, if I really like something, it’s gonna bomb. Last TV show I really liked? Miracles. Went down in flames. Favorite movies? Charlotte Sometimes, Japanese Story, Once, The Station Agent. Two of those were indie darlings, and two barely made a peep in the States. I don’t watch any network television, and I really don’t like reality shows. I am not a Beatles or Stones or Elvis gal. I hate rom-coms and most action flicks. Hollywood epics? Oh, hell no. I am still bitter about being made to watch Titanic. I knew I wouldn’t like it, but two male friends of mine insisted I had to see it. After an hour of watching people run hither and fro, I was ready to stand up and scream, “Just die already, damn it!” The only part of the movie I liked (besides a nude Kate Winslet) was at the end where Rose is clinging to the board and tells Jack that she will never let him go–and then she lets him go! I mean, biatch, please. Move your ass over and let the boy on the damn piece of wood with you. It was funny, though I don’t think it was supposed to be funny. As for junk popular culture, it’s a total turnoff for me. The only reason I know who Snooki is is because she was mentioned on Balloon Juice, of all places. Otherwise, I would be blissfully unaware of her existence.
A good friend of mine thinks all of this is because I’m a contrarian, and I will admit that there is some truth to that, but it’s not the whole story. I am a second-generation Asian American. My parents had a Tony Orlando and Dawn album for crying out loud. And, a James Galway album along with several classical albums. They didn’t watch television except for news, if I recall correctly. I didn’t hear pop music until I was in sixth grade. Eddy Grant’s Electric Avenue (you’re welcome. And, yes, the story is apocryphal. So sue me!). Pop culture was alien to me, and I had no clue how to be a true American. So, I pretty much just liked whatever I wanted without caring if it was popular or trendy. We had cable for a hotflash, but all I watched was MTV (they actually had videos back then! Who knew?), so we got rid of it fairly quickly. This brings me back to cable and why I need an intervention.
I have, ahem, recently gotten access to cable. I still don’t watch very much (except when there are games on ESPN that I want to watch), but when I do, I have noticed a very big problem. I start out watching whatever game is on that I had planned on watching. Then, during the commercials, I flip over to the Food Network, and I get sucked into whatever show is on over there. Iron Chef America is nowhere near as good as the original, but it’s still fun to watch. I love Ace of Cakes. Man, I would love to have one of his cakes, but I’m not taking a loan out to buy a damn dessert. I used to not like Alton Brown, but he’s grown on me. I hate hate hate Guy what’s-his-face, so I won’t watch anything he’s on. Paula Dean fascinates/horrifies me with her stick of butter. I like Bobby Flay’s throwdowns, and Mike Simon’s Food Feuds has grown on me as well, so I will watch him, too.
But, do you know which show I cannot stop watching if it’s on? Which show I would watch 24/7 if I could? Chopped. I don’t like listening to the contestants talk because they sound like jackholes for the most part, but I am addicted to this show. For people who don’t watch it (and why the hell aren’t you watching it?), the premise is this. Four chefs compete for $10,000. They get very limited time to make their dishes. There is an appetizer round, an entrée round, and a dessert round. The twist, though, is that one chef is sent home after each round so there are only two chefs last for the last round. Brilliant! OK, not brilliant, but it greatly enhances the tension during the competition.
I love the handsome, knowledgeable, and charming Ted Allen as the host. I like most of the judges they have on the panel (rotating). I like that the contestants are presented with a basket of disparate ingredients, and they have to make a coherent dish out of said ingredients. I love the insanity that ensues, and the inevitable disasters that occur. I love rooting for the contestants I like and jeering at the contestants I dislike. In short, I love this show. I want to watch every episode ever made, and I want them to produce new ones every day so I can have them on tap. I would hook myself up to an IV of episodes if it meant I could just mainline them–even as I sleep. In other words, I need an intervention! Please help me.
*I love cooking shows even though I do not cook. My friends and family find this hilarious, but I don’t understand why.
You GO, girl. NOTHING wrong with being contrarian. It is NOT your fault (or mine) that 99% of popular culture is dreck. Like you, I only learned who Snooki was by reading about her in some random on line publication. With that name, I assumed it was a stuffed animal. Reminds me of my Great Aunt, who once asked a woman what she thought her name was going to look like on a tombstone. “Here lies Snooki”? How eternally humiliating is THAT? Keep up the good work.
We are practically twins! I have cable, but the only things I watch are cooking shows and sports. And occasionally crappy old movies.
I also love Chopped. I love it when they get ingredients like pork loin, truffles and –wait for it! — gummy bears. You can see the WTF bloom on their faces when they hoist those gummy bears out of the basket. It’s beautiful!
And usually at least one contestant is an arrogant prick, so it’s fun to root for him or her to go down in flames.
Like you, I cannot abide Guy Fieri. I like the premise of the Drive-Ins, Diners and Dives program — the behind-the-scenes look at mom and pop restaurants. But whomever decreed that each segment must end with a close-up of Fieri stuffing a pound of food into his gaping maw should be fired. Immediately. It ruins the whole thing.
I know who Tony Orlando is, but who the fuck is Snooki? The only place I’ve ever lived that had cable was the Comfort Inn and I’m most always drunk when we stay there. Maybe heavy drinking would help with this developing Cable addiction.
Hahhaha! I love the fact that you’re into Food Network of all things, especially after hanging around me. I despise Guy Fieri as well, but Chopped is one I don’t miss. And I will say that because I do have cable (the other people in my house watch more TV than I do), I am blessed to have the Cooking Channel, upon which I can watch the original Iron Chef. There is nothing cooler than Chairman Kaga, man.
Part of you being “contrarian” is that you felt you had to live up to some “freak” mantra. Pfft. There are people all over who are like you in several ways. All you need to be is you.
I would love to get rid of the TVs and cable bill but I’d probably be divorced and lose my kids in the custody battle.
Bill Turner, thanks! I don’t mind not liking popular culture for the most part. It’s just once in awhile it smacks me in the face.
Betty Cracker, soul sister! Yeah, Guy did an episode here in MN. I could tell one of the restaurant owners wanted to punch Guy, but was just too Minnesota Nice to do so.
Oddly enough, I am watching a Next Food Network Star marathon (while watching the Whatever Bowl Game on ESPN), and Guy was the main talky-talky guy for one ep. He was very subdued and restrained. I almost didn’t mind him. And, this show is like crack, too. P.S. You perfectly encapsulated what I love about Chopped!.
Larry Signor, here is Snooki. She is a ‘star’ from one of those reality shows. She became, um, involved in politics to protest Obama’s tax on suntanning booths, and now, she and Grumpy McCain are BFF. You’re welcome. P.S. Can’t drink much. Allergic to alcohol. Hard liquor affects me the least.
Killian, it was at your house that could.not.stop.watching Paula Dean! Yeah, I know who my friends are, and that’s all that matters. Thanks, girl.
BJonthegrid, I’m assuming that’s a bad thing? I keed, I keed.
The only thing that keeps me from being consumed by pop culture is writing for this blog. Now I barely watch TV at all. So, when you feel the urge to hook into the cable matrix, just write a blog post.
Although, I think I’m going to have to unhire you if you don’t TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT TITANIC, DAMMIT!!!
I’ll never let go Jack!
But I’ll let this asiangrrl go if she doesn’t mind her peas and queues!!
I think your love of the Food Network reveals your secret fantasy to have a live-in hottie to cook for you.
ABL, well, I am watching as I blog (I do many things at the same time), so that’s no help. As for Titanic, I will never let you go, ABL, even if you let me go. I will
stalkfollow you anywhere!Choolie, Hotties and food? Oh, yeah, baby!
speaking of awesome food, my friend yoony is a chef by hobby. She has a blog called Immaeatchu. (It’s under Angry Black Social Scene over there ——>) Read it and then be jealous that she’s my friend. She cooked me duck confit for my birthday once. Yum.
Oh my god, ABL. I nearly licked my monitor when I saw the pic of the chicken pot pie. I am waaaaay jealous!
My wife thinks I’m crazy for watching the Food network. I don’t like that Guy Guy, but I do like seeing all the dives he goes into.
I like the cake decorating shows too, TLC has some too, I think. I’m hungry, I think it’s Chinese buffet time.