Oh holy shit night.
Jesus H. Bieber in a manger:
The Liberal Clause: Socialism on a Sleigh is written by David Hedrick, a Tea Party candidate who lost his bid this year to be the Republican candidate for Washington’s third district. You may remember him from this recent story where he is accused of physically assaulting his wife. I think I was the only person to buy a copy of The Liberal Clause last night because Hedrick came over personally to shake my hand, talking excitedly about what he’d created (the book costs $20 so I’m not surprised a lot of people passed). The story, he told me, came naturally one night as he was making up a bedtime story for his children (the book is dedicated to them with the warning “Never forget that free goodies from liberal elves often come at a price”). The satire where Obama steals Christmas that Hedrick came up with on that fateful night was too good not to be illustrated and published for all children to enjoy.
Are you ready for a bedtime story, Blogtownies? Below the cut are some pictures, a rundown of the plot and some choice excerpts for your edutainment.
The Liberal Clause takes place in the small town of Camas, WA where, for as long as anyone can remember, the children have been given the special responsibility of electing the Great Elf Council that serves at the North Pole. This year, however, the ballots go missing. Suspiciously, nasty ol’ Elf Peloosi discovers a box she claims are the missing ballots under a shelf in the back of a union warehouse. The elves are so glad the ballots have been recovered that they don’t bother to question the fact that there are more ballots returned than were cast! This is all reported in local newspaper, The Christmas Times, above a picture of Hendrick himself with the subtitle “Camas man’s rant goes viral”.
The elves’ relief dissipates quickly as it becomes clear something fishy is going on. After the Liberal Party of Elves takes over the Great Council Santa Claus suddenly goes missing and the elf people are told he is being replaced. An excerpt from the book with all dubious spelling and punctuation kept intact:
“What about the Christmastution?” [an elf shouted].
Ignoring them, Elf Sneed shouted out, “My fellow elves, it is my distinct honor to present to you, the hope and change we have been waiting for; our new Claus!“
Shortly after these words left Sneed’s mouth, a man dressed in Santa’s suit stepped onto the stage and strutted to the mike. In front of him, a group of elves ran out holding up a TV screen with words on it. This was the first time the elves had seen a teleprompter at the North Pole. Santa Claus had always spoken from the heart.
The skinny imposter began to read.
“My fellow citizens of the North Pole,” he stated with a hint of arrogance in his voice, “I am here to pull Christmas back from the brink of destruction. My name is Barry, but you can call me Liberal Claus.“
“Are you even from the North Pole?” an elf questioned from the crowd.
Liberal Claus scowled at this elf with pure evil in his eyes. For a moment all of the elves stood in disbelief waiting for a response, but the response would never come.
That is one uppity looking Santa Claus.
[via Dave Bow at BlogTown]
[cross-posted at Balloon Juice; click here to join that conversation, or start your own conversation in the comments here!]