Doing My Part to Raise Velociraptor Awareness

I’m making ribbons.

After a rip roarin’ good time with some friends last night at the Muse concert in L.A. (I think I saw one other black person in the audience), I’m tired y’all. Too tired to blog. Too tired for life.

But, I had to share this link. It’s just the one link. Not even a whole list of links. It’s just the one.

But it is a link that could save your children’s lives!

Oh, you think you’re so great, don’t you. Sitting there on your high-horse thinking, “I’ve child-proofed all my cabinets. All my loaded guns are in the freezer. My machetes are under the bed. My flamethrower is in the padlock safe, and the combination is 1234. So, I’m good on the “lifesaving” information, thanks. And besides, you don’t even have kids, so what could you possibly tell me about raisin’ mah crumbsnatchers?“

Well, smarty pants, I can tell you about VELOCIRAPTORS, which are currently out there (I don’t know where, just out there) plotting to kill you, your children, and everything you hold dear. Like your Thriller album. And your face.

So if you really think that you’re ready for a velociraptor attack (one that could occur at any moment!) — if your home is velociraptor proof, if you have acquired one velocirape horn per family member, — VELOCIRAPTOR ATTACK! (did you not hear me say “at any moment”?) — if your children know that if they “stop, drop, and roll” they are 99% more likely to get velocirattacked than if they “duck and cover” (did you know that velociraptors are attracted to shit that rolls? I’ll bet you didn’t!¹) — then by all means, don’t click this link.

But if you are sensible and not a velociracist who thinks that all velociraptors are inferior to you, then you will click that link and listen to what the damn American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is telling you. Why? Because they know their shit:

Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons.

The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is a bi-partisan group of professionals, dedicated to the diffusion of knowledge concerning velociraptor attack prevention.

THEY ARE PROFESSIONALS.

When you come home and find little Timmy’s face has been killed by a pack of angry velociraptors, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

¹ That’s because I made it up.