Jan Brewer is a Disaster

Arizona? You’re Fucked.

I’ve been ignoring Arizona for a while.  It is an asshat and it damn well knows it.  As soon as my parents get the hell out of there, I’m going to pretend Arizona doesn’t exist for a while.  Don’t you look at me like that, Arizona!  You know what you did!

So, Arizona Republican Governor Jan Brewer is running for Governor again.  She’s a big proponent of SB 1070, the absurd and likely unconstitutional immigration bill that has all brown people in Arizona wondering whether they are going to get deported. This alone should tell you what sort of person Brewer is.  (Hint: starts with “ass” and ends with “hat.”)

Well, apparently, she’s a bit of a dolt as well.  During the gubernatorial debate last week, she froze — like a frat boy in front of a pair of bare double D boobs.  And hoo, boy!  It is painful to watch.

She doesn’t seem to know what she’s done as governor (except everything, duh!) and she seems to not even know where the hell she is. The one thing she does know is that there are headless bodies in the desert.

That’s right.  Headless real Americans who have been beheaded by illegal immigrants.  Dang, Mexico!  Why you gotta be decapitatin’ patriots and whatnot?

Let me back up.  In July, Jan Brewer went to  Fox Abu-News (terrorist sympathizers!) and made the ridiculous claim that Mexicans are chopping our heads off:

When defending her highly criticized immigration law, Gov. Jan Brewer (R) often lists the myriad problems she says undocumented immigrants bring to her state. In an interview on Fox News last week, for example, she claimed: “We cannot afford all this illegal immigration and everything that comes with it, everything from the crime and to the drugs and the kidnappings and the extortion and the beheadings …”

There’s no better way, it seems, to make the case for strict anti-immigration laws than to claim that undocumented immigrants are pouring into the country to decapitate innocent Americans.

Brewer nonetheless stuck by the claim that undocumented immigrants are murdering Arizonans when asked about it last weekend on a local Arizona political show.

“Our law enforcement agencies have found bodies in the desert, either buried or just lying out there, that have been beheaded,” she said.

The anchor notes that he couldn’t find “any beheadings in any kind of news search.”

That statement has come back to bite her in the ass, because really, there are no headless bodies in the desert.  She made it up to Scare White Folks.  In the process, she may have scared white folks from visiting Arizona and generating tourism revenue.  But she’s too dumb to see that; she just blames it on the unions who are boycotting the bill.  Why?  Because that’s how her microchip is encoded, that’s why!

Cut back to this week, and her epic fail during the debate against Tim Goddard.  It’s painful to watch, frankly.  I’ve seen lawyers freeze up in court like this, and you just want to give them a cookie:

“We’ve done so much since I had become government.  I can’t believe we had did so much.  I can’t believe we’ve done everything we’ve done.  We’ve done everything we could possibly do.  Except the humpty hump.  I didn’t do the humpty hump and you could therefore not watch me do said humpty hump.  We are suing the federal government because it called me stupid, and totally stole my milk money.  And we passed Bill 1070 because those people speak a weird language I don’t understand, and I think they’re trying to chop my head off.  Did I mention all the stuff that I’ve done?  Because I had did it.  And you should vote for me, so I can deport more Mexicans and sue the government some more.”

It’s like watching a robot short circuit.  (Brewer No. 5 is aliiiive!!)

And then there are the headless bodies.  Oh, the headless bodies.  Wait no… there are no headless bodies.  The statement is categorically untrue.  But Brewer won’t recant her statement.  Each time she is asked about it, she dodges the question (and poorly, at that).  Brewer accuses Goddard of driving down Arizona’s economy because of his support of the unions and their boycotts.  When Goddard denies that he supports the boycott, he suggests that maybe if Brewer would stop ranting and raving about headless patriots in the desert and bloodthirsty zombie Mexicans (caw! ca-caw!), White Folks wouldn’t  be so scurred to go to Arizona:

Someone needs to power down Jan Brewer and send her back for maintenance.

The latest news is that she is refusing anymore debates because of course she is.  Why would she debate?  She obviously sucks at it.  And as long as there are asshats who are scared of Mexicans, they will vote for her even if there are no headless bodies, or there are headless bodies, but those bodies are mannequins that turn into Kim Cattrall at night.

[via Talking Points Memo]