Monthly Archives: August 2010

Paris Hilton Almost Got Stabbed! (Also, She's Stupid.)

Stab or Stab Not…There is No Try

Paris Hilton almost got stabbed or whatever last night. I know you don’t care. I don’t care either. But, I’m trying to lay off all the Ground Zero mosque-iness for a hot minute; so, I’m bringing yawnworthy news about a yawnworthy person.

So, yeah. What was I saying? Oh. Right. Paris Hilton. She almost got stabbed or whatever last night:

Police responded to a 911 call that someone was breaking into Hilton’s Sherman Oaks home at 6:42 a.m., Los Angeles Police spokesman Gregory Beak said.

Hilton was sleeping early Tuesday when a man with two kitchen knives attempted to enter her home, her publicist said.

“The security cameras and alarm system were alerted and the police immediately came to the house and arrested the intruder who was attempting to break a window when they arrived,” Dawn Miller said.

The police spokesman and Hilton’s publicist said no one was injured.

“Paris is naturally shaken by the events but is unharmed and well,” Miller said. “She is very thankful to her security team and the police for their swift and diligent response.”

Paris Hilton tweeted her trauma:

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PS22 Chorus Sings Nightingale Song

Remember Toad the Wet Sprocket!?

Sometimes watching kids sing just makes you feel better, innit?

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Fox News is Unfuckingbelievable; Is Also Part Owned by the Terror Mosque’s Major Funder

WHAT THE HELL!!?!?!?!?!?!

I’m in the middle of watching The Daily Show and given how angry I’ve been about this mosque business (had you noticed?), I really thought I couldn’t get anymore pissed off.

But then I did a little of ye olde googling and found out that, once again, Comedy Central is doing the job that the mainstream media should be doing.

So how’s this for a humdinger: Fox News has been whipping its worshippers into a frenzy by pushing this narrative that the Park51 Muslim Center aka Cardoba House aka the Horse Choker aka the Mosque of Doom is funded by a Really Scary Guy who funds radical madrassas around the world, and eats the heads off of live goats, and has ties to Al Qaeda, and wants to cook and eat your household pets.

His name?  Saudi prince Al-Waleed bin Talal.  He even sounds scary doesn’t he?

But what Fox News didn’t tell you is that Saudi prince Al-Waleed bin Talal aka You Better Run He’s Got a Bomb Strapped to his Body, is part owner of News Corp which is the parent corporation of Fox News:

The opponents of the proposed Cordoba Initiative Islamic center planned for Lower Manhattan are fond of suggesting, by way of lengthy and often confusing chains of causation and association, that its principal planner, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, is connected to terrorism. “The imam has been tied to some shady characters,” Fox Business Channel’s Eric Bolling recently said, “so should we worry that terror dollars could be funding the project?” Blogger Pamela Geller, who has become a regular talking head on cable-news channels to denounce the mosque, has noted Rauf’s involvement with a Malaysian peace group that funded the group that organized the Gaza flotilla under the headline, “Ground Zero Imam Rauf’s ‘Charity’ Funded Genocide Mission.”

On last night’s “Daily Show,” Jon Stewart skewered these antics as a “dangerous game of guilt by association you can play with almost anybody,” and proceeded to tie Fox News to al-Qaida by connecting Fox News parent News Corp’s second-largest shareholder, Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, to the Carlyle Group, which has done business with the bin Laden family, “one of whose sons — obviously I’m not going to say which one — may be anti-American.” But Stewart didn’t need to take all those steps to make the connection: Al-Waleed has directly funded Rauf’s projects to the tune of more than $300,000. If Fox newscasters can darkly suggest “terror dollars” are sluicing into the Islamic center’s coffers via “shady characters,” then are Al-Waleed, and News Corp. leader Rupert Murdoch, by the same logic, also terror stooges? (The “Daily Show” video appears after the jump.)

So just to be clear.  Fox News is lying.  This isn’t surprising to those of us who haven’t been glamoured by Rupert Murdoch’s Coven of Crapheads, but to those of you out there who are scared about this mosque because it might be some sort of sleeper cell being funded by some scary A-rab dude?  Then you better be scared of Fox News, because this Arab motherfucker right here is the second largest shareholder in News Corp.  News Corp. owns Fox News.

I repeat.  News Corp. owns Fox News.

News Corp. is the daddy corporation, and Fox News is the baby.

THIS IS MAKING ME VERY SHOUTY!!!!111

Here’s the most trusted journalist in the biz, Jon Stewart:

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Jon Hamm’s John Ham: Ham You Can Eat in the Bathroom

“Feel stupid yet?  Because you should.”

I know it’s old.  But I still like it.

This is my world.  You’re just a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut!

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Still With the Mosque Business: George W. Bush was “Palin’ Around” With Terrorists

Shocking, isn’t it?

Still with the mosque business?  Jesus H. Bieber.  I wanted to write a lighthearted piece about Tiger Woods getting a divorce or something, but the asshattery persists and so must I.

Today, Karen Hughes, George W. Bush’s campaign director and BFF, wrote an op-ed in which she stated that the mosque should be moved to promote unity:

That’s why I believe it is so important that Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf and his congregation make what I fully understand would be a very difficult choice: to locate their mosque elsewhere. Putting the mosque at a different site would demonstrate the uncommon courtesy sometimes required for us to get along in our free and diverse society.

I recognize that I am asking the imam and his congregation to show a respect that has not always been accorded to them. But what a powerful example that decision would be. Many people worry that this debate threatens to deepen resentments and divisions in America; by choosing a different course, Rauf could provide a path toward the peaceful relationships that he and his fellow Muslims strive to achieve. And this gesture of goodwill could lead us to a more thoughtful conversation to address some of the ugliness this controversy has engendered.

::head explodes::

Yes, let’s promote unity — “an undivided or unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting” — by telling those stupid towelheads to take their wacky religious beliefs and get the hell out — WAY OUT! — because a bunch of idiots, ignorants, and indifferents won’t take the time to do their fucking homework and recognize that this mosque business is a non-issue that is being blown way the fuck out of proportion by Fox News and the extreme right.

No.  They gotsta go.  And we gotsta cater to intolerance.  I mean, it would be such a powerful example of respect if the Imam chose to move the pesky mosque, wouldn’t it?  It would promote unity!

Except it won’t because moving the mosque is the exact opposite of unity:

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An Angry Black Take on the Ground Zero Mosque Debate, Facebook-Style

It is pure unadulterated bullshit being perpetrated by a media machine that has anything but the interests of the American people in mind.

Seriously?  With the mosque business? What.the.fuck.  I know 68% of people out there disagree with building a “mosque” at Ground Zero, but I’m willing to bet My Left Foot1 that if the facts (not propaganda and fear tactics), the facts were presented to each person comprising that 68%, at least half of them would change their mind.

The facts are, it is not a mosque.  It is a cultural center that has a mosque in it.  Christians have the YMCA (it’s really fun to stay there, apparently) and Jewish folk have the JCC (Jewish peeps were smart enough not to let a dude in an Indian headdress have anything to do with a song about their community organization), right?  Well, Muslims want their own community center.  A community center with a basketball court and maybe a pool and whatever else community centers normally have.

I know that both the YMCA and the JCC have summer camp programs.  (I went to a YMCA camp from the age of 6, until they kicked me out for smoking cigarettes on camp grounds when I was 17 years old, only to be asked back as a staff member when I was 18 years old.  Drunk Good times.)  And even though I’m not and never have been particularly religious, I never once felt like my summer camp was trying to shove Jesus down my throat.  It was about having fun with kids my age in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.  (And later, drinking wine coolers with kids my age in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.)

And you know what?  I bet if the Park 51 Muslim Center were to have a summer camp program open to all kids of whatever religion, those kids who attend, especially non-Muslim kids, might learn a thing or two about Muslim culture and tolerance.  They might learn that not all Muslims are terrorists.  (And not all Muslims are our President.)

But, as Gladstone at Cracked.com so eloquently put it:

A mosque by definition is a purely religious structure. This is a large proposed community center, open to the public and set to house, among other things, a basketball court. Yes there will be a prayer space inside it as well, but you don’t call St. Mary’s Hospital a church because it happens to have a chapel inside it, do you? Well, maybe you do. You read about politics on the Internet from a guy who claims not to write about politics, so maybe you’re functionally illiterate. But the point is, you shouldn’t.

But “Islamic Community Center open to the public” doesn’t have the same ability to scare people the way “mosque” does. I mean, you hear “mosque” you think mosquito, you think STING! You hear “mosque” you think “mask,” you think DECEPTION! You hear “community center” you think “OK. One more place I’ll never go.” So, yeah, clearly the decision was made by those who hate you to call this the “Ground Zero Mosque” even though it’s not at Ground Zero and not technically a mosque. Why are we still discussing this? Why haven’t you already asked Sarah Palin if she’s the devil on her Twitter account? Oh, that’s right. Because the devil is supposed to be good at lying.

The Asshats on the Right have made this cultural center their electoral issue.  And, with Fox News’ “fair and balanced” assistance, they have whipped the American public up into a right frenzy.  And what’s more, they know exactly what they are doing, because they are cunning, and they are dishonest, and they think Americans are too stupid, too lazy, or too busy to ferret out the truth.

They repeat the same talking points over and over and over until they seep into the American consciousness and then at some point the talking points become facts and those “facts” become indisputable truth.  And if you disagree, then you hate America and you want more Americans to die at the hands of Muslims who are right now at this moment planning to blow your shit up.

I got myself all worked up into a frenzy over this on Friday because it makes me extremely angry.  Not angry at the people who may have had some reservations about a mosque being built at ground zero.  But, angry at the people — the media — who do nothing to correct this misperception.  It is not a mosque.  And it is not at Ground Zero.  And that is the truth.

What I find most offensive is that these purported constitutionalists — these lovers of freedom — have proven that they only love the freedom that they want.  They only want the government to stay out of social issues that affect them. But when it comes to people and Constitution-ey stuff that they don’t like?  All of a sudden, they are more than willing to take a giant dump on the Constitution.

Again, from Gladstone at Cracked:

But the real reason I’m writing is not just because of people like Sarah Palin, but because of shameful, spineless panderers like Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Here’s a statement from each of them designed to give the appearance of being tolerant while adhering to good old-fashioned common sense values:

From Sarah Palin’s Twitter Feed:

“We all know that they have the right to do it, but should they?”

And from Harry Reid’s spokesperson:

While respecting that Muslims have a First Amendment right to religious freedom, Reid “thinks this mosque should be built some place else,” his spokesman Jim Manley said Monday.

Let me make something clear. In order to make these statements you must hate two things: logic and America. There is NO way to say that an individual has a protected right to do something and simultaneously criticize your government for not suppressing the execution of that right. There is no way for President Obama or any other president to put a stumbling block in the way of the free exercise of religion without violating the sanctity of that freedom. Should I say it more simply? OK.

You can’t legally stop people from obeying the law.

The Burlington Coat factory is private property. Those who want to build on it are private citizens. They are violating no law in wanting to build a community center. Under what authority do you propose we stop them? There is no “unless you’re a Muslim within X yards of a national tragedy exception” to the free exercise of religion. Do the Gingrichs and Palins and Reids want to start a precedent where you can compel people not to exercise the freedoms guaranteed under our Constitution provided enough people don’t like you?

So listen up, 68%.  You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t want to be free to exercise your religion yet at the same time want to hinder another American’s right to the free exercise of his or her religion.  It’s logically inconsistent, i.e., really fucking dumb.

My point here is not just to repost most of the Cracked article (which is amazing, by the way), but also to repost snippets from a thread from my friend’s Facebook wall: [It's a long'un, but well worth reading.]

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Orly Taitz the Birther Queen: Rejected by Clarence Thomas. CLARENCE THOMAS!!

CLARENCE THOMAS!!!!111 That’s got to sting a little.

Really? Someone started a website? Of course they did.

So, Orly Taitz is crazy.  That’s been established.  You all know Orly Taitz.  I told y’all about her crazy ass and her crazy ass lawsuits against Obama and how she thinks he’s a secret Muslim or whatever; and how her crazy ass got called out by Judge Clay Land, and then how Judge Land slapped a $20,000 sanction on her crazy ass for continuing to be a crazy ass despite being ordered to stop being a crazy ass.

Basically, she is one of the few asshats out there who is insisting that Obama is some Muslim Sleeper President who was born in some Kenyan jungle far far away (local legend has it he was born in a banyan tree!), then magically transported to some white lady’s uterus in Indonesia where he received his in utero terrorist training.  (You think a fetus can’t hold a rocket launcher?  THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!)

After twelve months of gestation, these baby terrorists come shooting out of their mother’s terror-hole, ready to start blowing our shit up.

Yes, it’s a twelve-month gestation period; it’s three more than usual because of the mandatory two-month long “Awakening Period.”  During the Awakening Period, the baby is removed from the uterus and left in the jungle for sixty days.  If the baby is still there when its masterminds creators parents return, then the baby is magically transported back into the womb where it undergoes a one-month-long “Rejuvenation Process.” (Do you know how hard it is for a baby to fend for itself in the jungle?  What with its head wobbling about and such?  It needs some time to rest.)  These babies are the chosen ones.1

Obama is one of the chosen babies.  All of that stuff I just said totally happened to him!  And then something else happened, that other thing happened and OMIGOD HE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES EVERYBODY PICNICK !!!11  HE’S GOING TO TURN US INTO SOCIALIST FASCIST MUSLIMS AND THEN EAT OUR BRAYYYYYNES!!!

Okay, none of that stuff happens.  Jay Kay.  Orly Taitz doesn’t actually believe that stuff either, but what she does believe is just as absurd:

Birther extraordinaire Orly Taitz is still trying to have the Supreme Court reverse a $20,000 fine imposed on her by a lower judge, even after the court denied her appeal earlier this week.

Taitz has filed a “motion for reconsideration” with the court, according to documents posted on her web site, claiming that she has new evidence that President Obama is not an American citizen.

According to Taitz, there’s new evidence in the latest edition of “West Wing Week,” a lighthearted weekly video produced by the White House. In the latest edition, posted on Aug. 12, an aide shows viewers the president’s passport to answer a question about whether he gets stamps when he travels.

Taitz claims the footage proves the passport is doctored.

Further, she claims that the White House forged the passport and made the video in order to sabotage her case and “improperly influence this honorable court.”

“Obama attempted to influence the decision of this Honorable court as well as the decision of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals and further persecute political dissident Attorney Dr. Orly Taitz and cause her to pay $20,000 of sanctions, endanger her law license and cause her severe emotional distress,” Taitz writes.

Taitz is fighting a $20,000 fine imposed on her last fall by a federal judge in Ohio, a judge who was frustrated with her constant frivolous lawsuits claiming Obama is not a legitimate president.

She is also asking the court to hold hearings on the president’s legitimacy and to order payment for her personal suffering.

As for the fine she has thus far refused to pay, she appealed it first to the circuit court and then to the Supreme Court. She first applied to Justice Clarence Thomas, who refused to even hear the case, then Justice Samuel Alito, who — as is standard practice at the court — forwarded it to the full court. The court denied it without comment.

Her personal suffering?  I want payment for my personal suffering, dagnabbit!  I have to suffer these xenophobic racist asshats who scurry about like cockroaches trying to uncover new evidence about Obama’s secret Eskimo love child and whether or not that love child is a terrorist and OH MY GOD ESKIMOEZ ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU!

::eyeroll::

Here’s a little snippet from her brief if you really want to get right in there and soak in the crazy:

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Sarah Palin Thinks Feminists are a "Cackle of Rads"

Sarah Plain and Dumb.

So today is the 90th anniversary of women’s suffrage!  Woot!  Aaaaaaand, here’s what Our Lady of Winking and Fucknuttery had to say about it:

I can only assume she meant a gaggle of… something.  I don’t know.  Radicals?  Valley Girls?  A largely obsolete unit of absorbed radiation dose?  Renaissance Adult Daycare Services?  Reactive Airway Dysfunction Syndrome?

I googled it and I got nothin’.

I am pleased, however, that this tweet confirms that she is stupid. It is irrefudiatable.  I mean, she thought long and hard about this one.  This tweet has a colon, a semicolon, an ampersand, parentheses, and an accent egu. It’s a virtual grammorgasm.

Do you know how hard it is to write the word “touché” on Facebook or Twitter without having everyone think you’re talking about douches?

Symbols are not a joke, people.

[via Gawker]

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I think I might actually LIKE Justin Bieber…

But only when his songs are slowed waaaaaaay the fuck down.

Like, eight times slower.

I listened to his new track “U Smile.”  And by “listened,” I mean, “I gritted my teeth and choked back the vomit and could only take it for 20 seconds before I yelled ‘Oh my god, make it stop!’“  (Of course I was instantly annoyed that he couldn’t have added two stupid letters to the damn song title.  “YOU Smile.”  See how easy that is?  You’re not Prince, so I will not allow it.)

Here’s Lil Biebs (who sounds like crap, by the way):

Then I listened to the 800% slower version, and it’s actually really fucking cool:


J. BIEBZ – U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

From Gawker:

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