Monthly Archives: July 2010

Because people are tired of smelling your ass.

Is there anything worse than working in an office, letting a little stinker out only to have someone walk into your office to hand you a document or invite you for coffee?  Is there anything worse than walking into someone’s office after they clearly have released the gaseous demons, and having to pretend like you don’t notice the stank?  So you stand there trying to act normal, and trying to talk while not breathing in through your nose, and you end up sounding like you have a sinus infection.

Okay, fine, there are a lot of things that are worse.  Like BP.  Spencer Pratt.  Animal cruelty.  Justin Bieber.  Improper grammar.  Ed Hardy.  Still, swamp ass is up there on the List of Things That Suck.

Negotiating office gassy ass is tricky.

Sometimes office workers fart behind closed doors, but then they realize that they’re just going to be stewing in their own stink, so they crack their office door open,  hoping the odious smell will seep out into the hallway, and then someone in a nearby cubicle will get blamed.

Speaking of cubicles, they are a breeding ground for anonymous air biscuits, aren’t they?  All that open space with all those people crammed together?  When someone drops a bomb, it’s impossible to tell from whence the stench came.

You just sit there looking around, trying to catch the eye of as many people as you can, so you can give them the “it wasn’t me” look.

Maybe you frown and wave your hand in front of your nose, or pinch your nose to indicate that, yes, something smells in here, but no it wasn’t me because if it was me, why the fuck would I be pinching my nose and waving my hand in front of my nose while frowning?!

Suddenly everyone is looking around, eyes darting from person to person while frantically waving their hands in front of their faces until some guy in the back busts out laughing and everyone looks at him with that look — you know the one that’s usually accompanied by that “wah waaaaah!” sound — but no one is mad because he knows he did it and we love that guy anyway.

Maybe there’s some smarmy asshat with a corner office and you just can’t stand him because he’s so patronizing, and never does any work, he just talks about his super sweet ‘stache all day, and also because no, it is not your job to fix the damn printer!  PC Load Letter?  What the fuck does that mean?   So maybe you have a beef and cheese burrito for lunch, and maybe after lunch you sneak into Smarmy Guy’s office and crop dust the entire area before walking away while whistling a jaunty tune.

Or maybe you’re in an elevator full of people and as you’re exiting the elevator, you let loose an air assault, reveling in the fact that those sad jerks will be standing in a virtually airtight space, glaring at one another, trying to ferret out the pooty perp.

Or maybe you’re a Sphincter Whistler, letting a slow and steady stream of gas exit your fanny as you go about your daily life, not realizing that everyone knows you as “that girl who always smells like ass” or “that guy who wears too much colon cologne.”

I had to update this post to include this amazing picture. (H/T Eric!)

And then there are those who I like to call “gas ‘n go goblins“¹:  People who walk briskly hither and yon, leaving a trail of toxic tears in their wake.  I  don’t like those people.  Nobody likes those people.

So, if you see your friend Jim walking briskly down the hallway, and you call out, “Hey, Jim!” and Jim just sort of nods at you and keeps on walking even though you’re totally yelling, “Hey, dude!  Wait up!” Well, amigo, Jim is totally crop dusting, so best stop following his stinky ass.

Well, these problems will soon be a thing of the past.  Never fear, citizens!  There’s a solution for your gaseous gurglers and your windy woes!  Introducing, the subtle butt disposable gas neutralizer!

“I use them on airplanes, after a chili meal, and even on my dog,” Kim Olenicoff, founder of Solutions That Stick, told me from the floor of Cosmoprof North America. “Some customers have even told me that it’s saved their marriage!,” she spilled. “People with IBS and food allergies definitely gravitate toward these, too.”

And just in case you’re not convinced, here’s a video that seems far too scientific for a layperson to understand:

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