I was watching Last Comic Standing the other night, and caught Kyle Grooms’ audition which was, in my opinion, high-larious. So I thought, “I wonder if it’s on the internets?” And it is! Of course, it is, because EVERYTHING IS ON THE INTERNET AND IT IS TRYING TO EAT YOUR BABIES.
Or something.
::ahem::
[The NBC video expired, so I added the following two videos for your eyeball excitement]
This is the best legal news I’ve heard since that lady filed a lawsuit against Quaker Oats when she found out that crunchberries aren’t really berries, or since the iFart app sued the Pull My Finger App. This is good stuff, people.
So here’s what’s going down, peeps: ThinkGeek.com sells unicorn meat. (No, not real unicorn meat, you dumbass chef):
Their tag line is “Unicorn – the new white meat,” but apparently in some of their advertisements, they use the phrase “the other white meat.” And we all know what the other white meat is, and it ain’t unicorn meat (you might want to “eyemuffs”*** if there are children present):
She is rumored to be dating Drake who is black and... Canadian!
This week, 24 year old Amanda Bynes announced on Twitter that she is retiring from acting. Upon hearing this announcement, the planet said, “Amanda who?!”
Amanda Bynes!
Like, duh. She’s, like, totally famous for her immemorable roles. She was… Blonde Girl #2, in that one movie. You know, the one where the girl does the thing and then everyone is all, “LOL.” And, who could forget her breakout role in She’s the Man?
Only everybody.
But that’s not even the craziest part! Just minutes before the news of her sudden retirement from acting shocked the cool kid table during fourth period lunch***, she dropped this bombshell on us:
What the crap? You can’t just tweet news like that with no warning, chicky! You have to make sure people are sitting down first; that they are ready to read that the former star of That Show With All Those People In It Whatsit Called? I Can’t Remember! likes black men is very attracted to them just fyi.
I mean, really, Amanda. Have some consideration for your fan!
News like that is like a punch to the ham wallet It’s hard to take just fyi.
***There are too people who attend high school at 4 a.m. I don’t make the news, I just make it up.
Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans
Tagged Amanda Bynes, Blame Canada, Canada, Drake, Twitter, who gives a shit
Angry Black Lady’s friend, Ernessa Carter (of Fierce and Nerdy) has published her first novel. It’s called 32 Candles:
In short 32 CANDLES is about Davie Jones, a girl growing up poverty-stricken and unpopular in Mississippi. She sees the movie Sixteen Candles for the first time and decides that she wants her own “Molly Ringwald Ending.” Much drama ensues, and sixteen years later she has to answer the question, “Can someone achieve a Sixteen Candles ending at the age of 32?”
I bought my copy on Amazon last night and I can’t wait to read it. I met Ernessa in Writing Pad, a writing class taught by Angry Black Lady’s friend, Marilyn Friedman. (For you writing Angelenos, you should definitely check out Writing Pad. It was the first (and sadly as of right now) the last writing class I’ve ever taken, but it was fantastic. Great class. Great format. Great food! Writing and food? What the…? I know. It’s amazing.)
I had the opportunity to read bits and pieces of Ernessa’s writing during class. (She was also kind enough to give my some very helpful tips about my own writing.) If 32 Candles is even half as compelling as her workshop pieces, then the novel is sure to be a winner. Plus, Sixteen Candles! Hello? Who doesn’t love John Hughes! Sheesh! Does it get better?
So buy her book! Do it! Do it now! Tell your friends! Tell your family! And if you please, do it by Friday because that’s when the New York Times tabulates its bestseller list. Let’s help her shoot to the top.
Congratulations, Ernessa! It’s a remarkable achievement, indeed.
Posted in I Heart Ye
Tagged books, BUY THIS BOOK NOW, Ernessa T. Carter, Fierce and Nerdy
A South African doctor has invented Rape-aXe — a female condom with teeth — and is distributing them to women at the World Cup:
South African Dr. Sonnet Ehlers was on call one night four decades ago when a devastated rape victim walked in. Her eyes were lifeless; she was like a breathing corpse.
“She looked at me and said, ‘If only I had teeth down there,’” recalled Ehlers, who was a 20-year-old medical researcher at the time. “I promised her I’d do something to help people like her one day.“
Forty years later, Rape-aXe was born.
The woman inserts the latex condom like a tampon. Jagged rows of teeth-like hooks line its inside and attach on a man’s penis during penetration, Ehlers said.
Once it lodges, only a doctor can remove it — a procedure Ehlers hopes will be done with authorities on standby to make an arrest.
“It hurts, he cannot pee and walk when it’s on,” she said. “If he tries to remove it, it will clasp even tighter… however, it doesn’t break the skin, and there’s no danger of fluid exposure.”
Ehlers said she sold her house and car to launch the project, and she planned to distribute 30,000 free devices under supervision during the World Cup period.
“I consulted engineers, gynecologists and psychologists to help in the design and make sure it was safe,” she said.
After the trial period, they’ll be available for about $2 a piece. She hopes the women will report back to her.
“The ideal situation would be for a woman to wear this when she’s going out on some kind of blind date … or to an area she’s not comfortable with,” she said.
The mother of two daughters said she visited prisons and talked to convicted rapists to find out whether such a device would have made them rethink their actions.
Some said it would have, Ehlers said.
Um.
Well.
Call me crazy, but I’m not sure how this helps, and in fact, it seems to me that it could make things worse. First, the Rape-aXe has no value until you’ve already been raped. Dr. Ehlers mentions that she was prompted to develop this device after a rape victim remarked to her that “she wished she had teeth down there.” Sure. Maybe visible teeth; but I’m not sure how a “condom” that is worn internally could possibly ward off rapists. Second, she says that the device could be worn if a woman is going on a blind date or is going to be in an unsafe area. But these aren’t the most common situations that lead to rape, at least not in the U.S. So… I don’t know.
So I’m finally catching up on the news. Yep. At 3 am on a Sunday morning. Judge not, foolio, lest ye be Judge Judy.
So, apparently, Tony Hayward took some time off from doing jackshit about the oil spill to go watch a fucking boat race, eh, hosers? Aces!
As social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook lit up with outrage, BP spokespeople rushed to defend Hayward, who has drawn withering criticism as the public face of BP’s halting efforts to stop the worst oil spill in U.S. history.
Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico so he could watch his boat “Bob” participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race. The 52-foot yacht is made by the Annapolis, Maryland-based boatbuilder Farr Yacht Design.
The annual one-day race is one of the world’s largest, attracting more than 1,700 boats and 16,000 sailors as world-renown yachtsmen compete with wealthy amateurs in the 50-nautical mile course around the island.
Robert Wine, a BP spokesman at the company’s Houston headquarters, said it was the first break that Hayward has had since the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and setting off the undersea oil gusher.
“He’s spending a few hours with his family at a weekend. I’m sure that everyone would understand that,” Wine said Saturday. “He will be back to deal with the response. It doesn’t detract from that at all.”
Wine described the race as “one of the biggest sailing events in the world and he’s well known to have a keen interest in it.”
He said Hayward will be returning to the United States, though it’s unclear when.
This is how I think this impossibly catastrophic PR blunder went down:
A Fake Conversation Between Tony Hayward and Some Other Asshat
by ME
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Tony, you shouldn’t go to that yacht race.
TONY HAYWARD: But what about Bob?
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: What About Bob? Great movie, that. Bill Murray. Richard Dreyfuss. That exceptionally skinny woman from Airplane! How positively delightful the Bob character is! “I’m saaaiiling! I’m saaaiiiling!!” Bloody brilliant, my good man.
TONY HAYWARD: What in the bloody hell are you talking about? Bill Murray!? What does Bill Murray have to do with anything? I’m talking about Bob.
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Yes, yes. Bill Murray is Bob… In What About Bob?
TONY HAYWARD: In What About Bob? Bob is the yacht.
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Quite right, quite right. In In What About Bob? Bob is most certainly the yacht, in a larger sense. I see precisely what you mean. In What About Bob? the kids strap Bob to the yacht so he could overcome his fear of water… or boats… or fish… or Justin Bieber… or some such nonsense; but I guess if we were to consider the situation in the manner of a European philosopher — perhaps an English philosopher, you know… a John Locke or some such person — (the Americans are positively obsessed with this John Locke character, you know… he’s quite the hot topic across the pond) — then you could rightfully posit that by being affixed to the yacht — by essentially becoming one with the yacht — Bob does, in fact, become the yacht. So you see, it’s really quite elementary my dear — Bob is the yacht.
TONY HAYWARD: I’d like my life back.
My dad rules. My mom thinks so. I think so. All of his former students think so. When my Dad retired from his teaching position at the University of Pennsylvania, I went back home to Philly to go to his retirement party. I spent most of the night being mobbed by all of the people whom my dad had mentored over the years; all of them wanted to meet his daughter. Who was I? He’d talked about me in class, and I’d met some of them at the various parties my dad would throw for them (a lot of his students were foreign, so he would invite them over for Thanksgiving, if they had no place to go), but I was a kid; I didn’t remember. Some of them knew me as “his lawyer daughter from LA.” But whether they’d already met me or not, they all wanted to gush to me about how much they’d learned, and how great (if not strict) my father was. You didn’t turn in your papers late, or else. Just like I didn’t come home after curfew, or else (I spent most of my senior year grounded because… or else.)
My dad was a pretty intimidating figure; he scared the crap out of my friends sometimes, but that’s because he liked to get in their heads, and mess with them in odd and nerdy ways. (I’ve picked up his oddity and his nerdicism.)
For example, when my friends would call for me and ask, “Hi, is [Angry Black Teenager] there?” — this was before cell phones, and the internet and whatnot; this was back when there was a phone in the hallway and my dad would yell “PHONE!!!” and I’d run downstairs, forced to have conversations standing in the hallway, while my parents sat in the living room reading their books, pretending not to listen–my dad would just respond, “Yes, she is.” And then he’d just say nothing and sit on the phone.
After a few excruciating seconds, my friends would say, “Um, well… can I talk to her?” My dad would say, “Of course!” and then yell for me: “PHONE!”
Eventually, my friends caught on. They would call and say, “Can I speak to [Angry Black Teenager]?”
Not one to give an inch, my dad would reply, “I’m sure you can.” (He’d been saving this one. He waited until my friends stopped asking if I “was there,” like they were Census Bureau workers, and then began to work on other aspects of their etiquette failures.)
After an awkward silence, my friends would say, “Um… well… may I speak to her?” “Of course!” he’d say.
Needless to say, my closer friends learned to call and ask, “May I speak to [Angry Black Teenager], please?” pretty damn quickly.
Manners were important. He taught me to always be cordial to everyone. He would say hello to everyone at school. Other professors, students, janitors, parking attendants, whomever. He always would have a nice word. “Treat everyone the way you want to be treated.” “And besides, some day you might need help from someone not obligated to help you, and then what?”
As I’ve grown older and needed secretaries to stay late and help me with a filing, or needed the parking attendant to help me find my car because I can’t remember where I parked it, I’ve been glad to have my dad’s etiquette advice: “Please.” “Thank you.” “Hi, how are you today?” It takes nothing to be nice to people. It takes nothing to smile at a stranger.
His main motto was always, “Life is a constant struggle.” Have true words ever been spoken?
So here’s to you, Dad. And thank you.
Posted in I Heart Ye, Personal Tales
Tagged Father's Day, holidays, It's a celebration bitches!, my dad
By the way, you should totally apologize to BP and be just like Joe Barton (R-Texas). Click here to apologize; hilarity ensuing all over the place.
Oh, oh, and this! I just saw this (H/T Danielle!)– Super Mario Brothers BP Oil Spill edition:
So these kids are waiting outside of an AT&T store in Santa Barbara to get their greasy paws on the new iPhone (and by “new,” I mean the 3G which came out like 5 minutes ago in 2007, but is obsolete already by two generations), and some woman starts ranting about how it’s all a conspiracy, man! All the while, she is clutching her Sprint cellular flip telephone. I mean, like, LOL, Sprint still exists? How quaint.
Full disclosure. This video is a tad boring. But there are a few laugh out loud moments (or “LOL” as the kids are saying these days.)
I’ll even break it down for your Saturday night booze-addled mind:
@45 second marker:
CRAZY LADY: “There’s a CD-ROM and that’s going to come down… and everything is going to be put out of operation… Now when everything shuts down, what’s going to happen to all the computer systems?”
PUNK ASS KIDS: “We’re gonna have our iPhones, we won’t give a crap.”
CRAZY LADY: “You’ve gotta at least have a mind without the computer!”
PUNK ASS KIDS: “I don’t want my mind, I just want my iPhone!!”
@ 2:35
CRAZY LADY: “There’s a conspiracy against the human brain! They want to take over the human brain through the eyes and the ears through television and radio and movies…”
@3:38
CRAZY LADY: “They will not take over my brain. My brain is going to be greater than the system’s! My brain is the computer! It won’t be seduced under a computer!”
@4:18
CRAZY LADY: “This is the threshold of another level of activation in mind control! You have to fight it! You’ve gotta stand for it!”
PUNK ASS KID: “You know what? The beautiful thing about the iPhone is that you don’t have to activate it until you get home. You can do it in 20 minutes!”
@4:33
PUNK ASS KID: “Hey, why don’t you destroy your phone?”
CRAZY LADY: “I love my phone though. I’m addicted to this.”
CRAZY KID: “It’ll kill you. Kill it now. You’ve gotta kill the phone or else it’ll kill you. Stomp on it.”
Oh just watch the damn video already… after the jump.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Apple, big ass phone, iPhone, kids, phones, telephones, videos
