Hey, BP? You’ve got a dick on your face. 
So I’m finally catching up on the news. Yep. At 3 am on a Sunday morning. Judge not, foolio, lest ye be Judge Judy.
So, apparently, Tony Hayward took some time off from doing jackshit about the oil spill to go watch a fucking boat race, eh, hosers? Aces!
As social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook lit up with outrage, BP spokespeople rushed to defend Hayward, who has drawn withering criticism as the public face of BP’s halting efforts to stop the worst oil spill in U.S. history.
Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico so he could watch his boat “Bob” participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race. The 52-foot yacht is made by the Annapolis, Maryland-based boatbuilder Farr Yacht Design.
The annual one-day race is one of the world’s largest, attracting more than 1,700 boats and 16,000 sailors as world-renown yachtsmen compete with wealthy amateurs in the 50-nautical mile course around the island.
Robert Wine, a BP spokesman at the company’s Houston headquarters, said it was the first break that Hayward has had since the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded April 20, killing 11 workers and setting off the undersea oil gusher.
“He’s spending a few hours with his family at a weekend. I’m sure that everyone would understand that,” Wine said Saturday. “He will be back to deal with the response. It doesn’t detract from that at all.”
Wine described the race as “one of the biggest sailing events in the world and he’s well known to have a keen interest in it.”
He said Hayward will be returning to the United States, though it’s unclear when.
This is how I think this impossibly catastrophic PR blunder went down:
A Fake Conversation Between Tony Hayward and Some Other Asshat
by ME
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Tony, you shouldn’t go to that yacht race.
TONY HAYWARD: But what about Bob?
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: What About Bob? Great movie, that. Bill Murray. Richard Dreyfuss. That exceptionally skinny woman from Airplane! How positively delightful the Bob character is! “I’m saaaiiling! I’m saaaiiiling!!” Bloody brilliant, my good man.
TONY HAYWARD: What in the bloody hell are you talking about? Bill Murray!? What does Bill Murray have to do with anything? I’m talking about Bob.
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Yes, yes. Bill Murray is Bob… In What About Bob?
TONY HAYWARD: In What About Bob? Bob is the yacht.
SOME OTHER ASSHAT: Quite right, quite right. In In What About Bob? Bob is most certainly the yacht, in a larger sense. I see precisely what you mean. In What About Bob? the kids strap Bob to the yacht so he could overcome his fear of water… or boats… or fish… or Justin Bieber… or some such nonsense; but I guess if we were to consider the situation in the manner of a European philosopher — perhaps an English philosopher, you know… a John Locke or some such person — (the Americans are positively obsessed with this John Locke character, you know… he’s quite the hot topic across the pond) — then you could rightfully posit that by being affixed to the yacht — by essentially becoming one with the yacht — Bob does, in fact, become the yacht. So you see, it’s really quite elementary my dear — Bob is the yacht.
TONY HAYWARD: I’d like my life back.
