Dear Phone Book,

Go Away.

Why are you on my doorstep?  It’s 2010, for fuck’s sake.  I have an iMac, MacBook, iPhone, iPad, and working limbs to walk to my neighbor’s apartment and say, “Hey, can I use your phone?” I mean, you’ve heard about the Internet, right?  I’m typing on it right now.  It’s aight.  It’s like this interconnected thingamabob that has information about all kinds of shit.  You can listen to music.  Chat with your friends.  Watch porn.  It brings you food sometimes.  You know what else it does?  It has phone numbers.  ALL KINDS OF PHONE NUMBERS.

Don’t you get it, phone book?  It’s not me, it’s you.  You’re the one who keeps showing up, year after year.  I kick your ass to the curb.  Every time.  But what happens?  I come home and find you sitting on my fucking doorstep again.  This time you were wrapped in some sort of opaque plastic.  YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME PHONE BOOK.  I can see through your plastic.  You’re the only thing that looks like a phone book and is about the same size as a phone book.  Seriously, dude.  You’re not fooling anyone.

Where do you come from, anyway?  I wasn’t even gone that long.  Did you drop from the sky?  Are you a witch? I don’t even have a landline phone!  Why are your overlords delivering you to my house?

Don’t answer that.

And don’t trot out that tired argument: “Oh, but what if the telecommunications network collapses?  Then you’ll wish you had treated me with some dignity.” Please.  That’s absurd and you know it.

If there’s some sort of terrorist attack and the entire telecommunication network collapses, you know what people are going to do?

FUCKING PANIC.

They’re not going to pick up the Yellow Pages because they’ll all be on fire.

And besides, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE RESIDENTIAL PHONE NUMBERS.

I hate you, phone book.  Right in that stupid coupon section you always have stashed in your midsection.

Oh, and P.S.  You’re bad for the environment.  But everybody hates the environment anyway, so who cares about that.  Mostly, just get the fuck off my doorstep.

Update: Check out what commenter Awed Job did about the growing threat of Phone Book Proliferation: