Monthly Archives: May 2010

Bieber Bangs His Head on a Door LOL OMG WTF

Posted on May 22, 2010 by | Leave a comment

“Yo, whattup?”

Yo, your hair is stupid.

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Dale Peterson = The Power of Fail Plus One

Posted on May 21, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Remember this crazyass from Alabama?  Mr. Dale Peterson?  Whelp, he got served.  Pwned.  Dissed.

Whatever the kids are saying these days.


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Ask Metafilter Saves Two Women from Human Trafficking Ring

Posted on May 21, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Behold the power of the Internet!

I’ve never really understood what Ask Metafilter is.  I always assumed it was like Ask Jeeves.  And who wants to Ask Jeeves anything?  He’s old and probably doesn’t even know how to use a computer.  But Ask Metafilter is no joke.  It’s like a ninja.  And this week, it saved the lives of two Russian women who were being wrangled into a human trafficking ring.  It’s like something out of 24, y’all.  Except it played out on the innerwebz.

Dan Reetz, a longtime Metafilter user (Metafilterite?  Metafilterer?) who goes by the screenname “Fake,” posted about two female friends who were getting themselves into a nasty situation.  The women (only one of whom spoke English) had plans to travel by bus from DC to New York City, where they were going to meet a man who had offered them jobs as hostesses.  The man told the women to meet him at the “Lux Lounge” at midnight:

A Russian friend of mine may be in a dangerous situation in Washington, DC.


My friend and former student K arrived in DC yesterday, along with a friend. She came over on some kind of travel exchange program put together by a Russian travel agency called ‘Aloha’. They paid about 3K for this program.


The program promised a job offer in advance, but didn’t deliver. They said they would send one via email, but failed there, too.


Her contact in the USA barely speaks English, doesn’t answer her calls but does answer mine. He has asked her and her friend to meet in NYC tonight around midnight, with promises of hostess work in a lounge. Yes, I know how horrific that sounds- that’s why I am working all possible angles here.


She is not going to NYC but I need some help handling and understanding how to handle this- I have a friend helping them with a cheap hotel for the night, but that’s all at the moment. I am presently driving to LA and could fly her and her friend to meet me there on Saturday, but couldn’t house them indefinitely. I will be monitoring this thread over the next hour.

The story is totally wild.  From Mother Jones:

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Hurley Says "See ya later, Dude!" to Lost

Posted on May 21, 2010 by | Leave a comment

This is a touching tribute to his 6 years on the show.  And, after the jump, a video of Hurley saying “dude” over the past six years.

::sheds tear::

From Variety,

At 5 a.m. on April 24, I became unemployed.


I just wrapped my six-season run on “Lost.” The job that went above and beyond anything I could have imagined was over.

When I auditioned for “Lost,” I was just another out-of-work actor struggling to land a pilot. When I first went in to meet the producers, there wasn’t any material for me, except a few sides they had for the character Sawyer.


I felt great about the audition; so great, in fact, that getting the part wasn’t important because I knew I couldn’t have done any better. Then I got the call that I was going to test, and that they were going to write scenes specifically for me. I remember noticing I was the only Hurley in the room waiting to test. I called my agent from the parking lot afterward and said, “I don’t know what it meant but it felt like a good thing.”


When I got hired I hadn’t even seen the pilot script. All I knew was that it was a J.J. Abrams show and that it would shoot in Hawaii. I figured, if anything, I had just scored an extended Hawaiian vacation.

Moving to Hawaii was a dream come true. When I worked the magazine stand at Borders in Westwood, I remember seeing a picture of Kelsey Grammer in his Hawaiian home on the cover of Architectural Digest and thinking that having a home in Hawaii was a good benchmark for success. Not two months in my new apartment in L.A., I was trying to figure out what to pack for a show that I had no idea how long would last. Now six years later, I walk around my house trying to figure out what to pack from all of the stuff I have amassed in Hawaii over the show’s run.

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Spencer Pratt's Mom Realizes She Gave Birth to an Asshat and Disowns Him

Posted on May 19, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Actually, “asshat,” doesn’t quite capture it; Spencer is more like an ass-sombrero. Pratt has become obsessed with crystals. He thinks they bring him luck. Little does he know that luck comes not for the dooshy ones.

It’s been a while since I raged against Heidi Montag and her creepy bearded bonehead of a husband, Spencer Pratt.  I’ll sum up my feelings for those of you who aren’t quite clear:

DEATH.

BY FIRE.

IN THE FACE.**

So here’s what’s new in the land of Why Won’t You Die in a Fire.  First, they are obsessed with crystals. They’ve spent nearly $400K on crystals, thinking that crystals will bring them good luck or something equally ridiculous.  If by “luck” they mean “a fiery death,” then I support it.

Second, Spencer’s family seems to be sick of his shit:

He is estranged from younger sister Stephanie and doesn’t speak to his folks because “he felt his parents would talk to him only about Stephanie and that they charged him with taking care of her,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “He thinks she’s a loser and doesn’t want anything to do with her.”


Apparently, his parents have had it with him as well.


“They noticed him changing two years ago and stayed by his side. But now it’s too much,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They even took the pictures of him out of their home.”


Us Weekly reports Spencer, 26, and Heidi, 23, have become virtual shut-ins at their $7,000-a-month rented L.A house, which is filled with framed covers of magazines on which they’ve appeared.


“No one ever visits,” a local tells Us, and the couple rarely leave. “Heidi sits and stares in the mirror, while Spencer plots and schemes on his projects all day,” adds a Pratt source. “He sits on the Internet, watches TV and tries to get press. That is all he does. It’s totally sick.”


The image of Heidi standing naked in front of a mirror, tears streaming down her face as she realizes that she, a once pretty girl, is on a one-way train to Playa Del OMG! What’s Wrong With Your Face: Population, Jocelyn Wildenstein, while her husband languishes at a computer, self-googling and plotting celebrity world domination, really makes me cheerful.  Let’s all laugh heartily at these two assclowns, shall we?

HA HA HA!

HO HO HO!

Here’s some other Speidi-related schadenfreude: Apparently they’ve become dirty hoarders.  Their 7K a month house is apparently in disarray, and littered with crystals and dog poop.  They have four dogs which are not potty trained and therefore crap all over the house, much to Heidi’s chagrin.  Heidi is on Team Don’t Let the Dogs Shit in the House.  Her husband, on the other hand, is on Team Heidi Pick Up That Dog Shit:

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Please Die in a Fire

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Justin Bieber Nominated for a BET Award

Posted on May 19, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Bieber’s bangs fear being crammed into a sideways Knicks cap.

His eyes are staring down your throat and into your soul.

Oh come the fuck on.  What is wrong with you, world?  As if I don’t have enough to deal with.  Bieber?  Bieber’s Bangs?  Bieber’s Bangs at the BET Awards?  Render unto me a fucking break.

I know that there are some white “cross over” artists.  Justin Timberlake.  Pink.  Eminem.  Beastie Boys. That one white chick who sounds black but totally isn’t.  No, not that chick.  The other chick.

But Justin muthalickin’ Bieber?  BIEBER!  No, seriously.  Bieber:

Canadian heartthrob Justin Bieber is being honored among some of music’s most prominent Black performers. On Tuesday, the baby-faced teen idol nabbed a Best New Artist nomination for next month’s BET Awards in Los Angeles, where he’ll compete against fellow Canadian Melanie Fiona and the Drake-assisted hip-hop syndicate Young Money.


The annual awards show, sponsored by Black Entertainment Television, typically honors the accomplishments of entertainers of color, but officials describe Bieber — a former YouTube sensation discovered by “Confessions” star Usher — as a crossover artist with talent that transcends color lines. His latest album, My World 2.0, debuted at No.1 on the Billboard charts in March.


“Bieber has crossed the color boundaries the same way that hip-hop has crossed the boundaries the other way for a number of years,” says Stephen Hill, BET’s President of Music Programing and Specials. “He’s had rhythm in his music. He makes the type of music our audience likes.”

The kid is, like, 14.  How the hell has he crossed any boundaries?  He hasn’t even yet crossed the biggest boundary of all: PUBERTY!  Here’s what Bieber and his Bangs of Glory had to say about the imminent descension of his testicles and the affect it is having on his voice:

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Alabama Geometry Teacher Uses Obama Assassination to Teach His Class About Angles

Posted on May 18, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Angles, and Asshats, and Assassination, Oh My!

As if yesterday’s Alabama Asshattery wasn’t enough to quench your thirst for WTF?!, here’s more ridiculous news from Alabama.  Some jackhole geometry teacher decided to teach his class about parallel lines and angles–by using the assassination of President Obama as an example.  No seriously.  He told his students where they would have to stand to shoot Obama.

::spittake::

What in the name of sweet sugary Jesus is wrong with people?!?!?!  Really.  This is a serious question.  One that I pose nearly every 7 minutes.  And I have yet to receive a satisfactory answer.  Yes, I know: People are asshats.  But this type of behavior falls outside the reasonable realm of asshattery.  Something else is afoot.  And until someone tells me what the hell is going around here, I’m holding each and every one of you accountable.

::glares menacingly::

A Jefferson County teacher picked the wrong example when he used as­sassinating President Barack Obama as a way to teach angles to his geometry students.

Someone alerted authorities and the Corner High School math teacher was questioned by the Secret Service, but was not taken into custody or charged with any crime.

“We did not find a credible threat,” said Roy Sexton, special agent in charge of Birmingham’s Secret Service office. “As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation.”

A Corner High geometry teacher picked the wrong example, President Barack Obama, to use in a lesson on angles. The lesson resulted in a Secret Service investigation.

Sexton said he generally doesn’t discuss threat cases, but confirmed his office investigated the incident. No federal charges followed the probe.

The teacher was apparently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.

“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,‘ ” said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.

Efforts to reach the teacher for comment Monday were unsuccessful.?? Superintendent Phil Hammonds said the teacher remains at work, and there are no plans for termination.

Looky here, Alabama.  I like you.  I do.  Some of my closest friends hail from Alabama… like my longtime friend and first college roommate.  I really don’t want to have to set you on fire.  But, by the hand of Thor, I TOTALLY WILL IF YOU DON’T QUIT ACTING LIKE AN ASSHAT.

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Posted in Please Die in a Fire, Political Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Dale Peterson: This is Why I Don't Live in the South

Posted on May 17, 2010 by | Leave a comment

What.The.Hell.

I swear, as I was watching this ad, I started to physically back away from my computer. The combination of his crazy whiteman talk, the cowboy hat, the gun, and the fast editing makes me feel like this dude is not exactly stable; like he is going to crawl out of my monitor, rifle at the ready so that he can shoot me in my own face:

I like you the South, I do. But I just don’t want to live in you. No, thank you. I’ll stay in California where everyone is brown, it’s sunny for ten months a year, and there are taco trucks that roam around the city–taco trucks that don’t always necessarily sell tacos. Why? Because colored folks is crazy and we don’t play by the rules. Have you ever heard of a Korean BBQ taco truck? I didn’t think so. I have a friend who has a separate Twitter account that he uses solely for the purpose of following taco trucks. I’M NOT KIDDING. Wake up, citizens. There’s a whole world out here. A world where you can stuff bulgogi in a taco shell or kimchi in a quesadilla and no one even gives a fuck.

Oh, and also? I’d like to make a rule that politicians stay the hell off Facebook. What are you, a bunch of teenagers? “You’re campaign sux, LOL.” “Voat 4 me LMAO.”

Honestly. People are asshats.

(H/T Danielle!)

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Posted in Political Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Moshing for Jesus

Posted on May 17, 2010 by | Leave a comment

There are really no words to describe the awesome that is about to rain down on your face

I’m really really busy.  Still.  I will likely be this busy for, I don’t know, a month or so.  If  y’all are jonesin’ for a good tirade or cup of What the Crap?, I sincerely apologize.  Actually, no I don’t.  Fuck you, I have a job!

Oh, I’m kidding, you know I love you as much as I ever did.  Which is a lot for some of you, and not at all for others.  All of this is neither nor there.  Or perhaps it is both here and there.  I don’t know which; I’ve heard it both ways.  I wish you’d stop harassing me.

Anyway, here is some awesome for your eye place.  I’ve never seen it before, so if you have, then you can go, I don’t know… jump up your own ass.  Some of you masters of the interwebz may be all “OMG, this is sooooo old, why you bringin’ up old shit?” Well, sassypants, it’s because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Justin Timberlake, it’s never too late to bring shit back.

Suck on that.

(H/T Skittimus!)

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