Ben Kingsley Parodies Heidi Montag's Transformers 3 Audition Tape, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Separate, and More: The Shit is Bananas

That’s Sir Ben Kingsley to you, hoi polloi motherfuckers.

I don't care how badass you are, I'm not going to see Prince of Persia.

Transformers 3 is coming out soon (blargh!) and Megan Fox won’t be in it.  Who knows why, really.  Who cares.  Either it’s because she’s an ungrateful asshat, or Michael Bay is a misogynistic asshat.  Either way, they’re both asshats.  That’s what it boils down to.  You know who else is an asshat?  Heidi Montag.  But do you know what she did today that makes her, in my esteemed opinion, just a teensy bit less of an asshat?

She left the Flesh Bearded Wonder.

OK, so she hasn’t left Spencer Pratt, a man even his own mother hates. In fact she hasn’t even come out and said she plans to leave him.  But her rep talked to TMZ which means she must have thought about it.  Right?  Here’s what her rep said: “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

Oh, shut your face.  I haven’t gone soft.  She’s still some sort of ass headgear–an asscap, maybe.  But, if the Hollywood murmuring is true, and Spencer has become controlling and abusive, then even if she only thought for a split second about leaving him, and even if she’s only doing it to increase her celebrity, she still deserves to move down a spot on my Official Asshat Ranking Chart.  (Yes, I have a chart.  No, you may not see it.)*

“What the hell does this have to do with Ben Kingsley?” you may be thinking.

Calm down!  I’m getting there!  Where’s the fire?  Oh that fire?  Well, yeah, I set that fire, but it’s not going to spread for at least another 15 minutes, so just relax.

ANYWAY,

Heidi has been angling for a role in the upcoming shitstain, Transformers 3. She’s been twittering about it, and figuratively fellating Michael Bay, so that she can get a shot at being half naked and bent over the hood of a truck that is totally about to turn into a hairdryer or something:

“Michael Bay I love your work! I know what a [sic] artistic brilliant genius you are! Cast me in the next Transformers.”

And then…. and then, she posted this video to show Michael Bay–nay!–the world, just how fucking bad ass she is:

Exactly how badass is that?  Answer: NOT ONE BIT.

Now here’s where Ben Kingsley comes in and is SO FUCKING AWESOME IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE!  He appeared on Lopez Tonight and showed his own Transformers 3 audition tape.  And it’s just…

just…

OMG.

All your base are belong to Gandhi.**

*UPDATE: CNN is reporting the Speidi Split:

Heidi Montag of “The Hills” has split from her husband and reality show co-star, Spencer Pratt, the celeb’s spokeswoman told CNN.

For now, the split is a separation and not a divorce, Lexi Vonderlieth said.

“Yes the split is real,” Vonderlieth said in an e-mail. “Like to say separation for now. As you can imagine it is crazy right now. She’s trying to lay low the next couple days. What I can say is that it’s a separation for now, not divorce.”***

**Did you know that Ben Kingsley got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today?  It’s big news!  Ben Kingsley has finally arrived, y’all! I mean, it’s not like you can just buy them or anything.  Oh wait…

***Yes, I just posted an “update” for a post I hadn’t even published yet.  This is groundbreaking stuff, people.

[via TMZ and New York Post and Popeater and CNN]