Increase in Underwater Shenanigans Expected 
I don’t know what’s going on here, y’all. Polar ice caps are melting. Volcanoes are erupting and just won’t stop. There are earthquakes everywhere, like, all the time. Tsumanis. Flooding. Last week it was so windy in LA that a rock came hurling out of nowhere into my car and beaned me on the head. Right on my own head!
What I’m saying is, shit is going down, y’all. And nobody’s ready! (Except Cypress Hill. They’re always ready when the shit goes down.) There’s a lot of weird shit happening and I want some answers. And “2012 approaches” in not an answer. That’s just dumb.
I’ve written about a few of these weird things over the years:
- Fish-People; Korean fish with human fucking faces!
- The increasing Lindsay Lohanification of our society; did you realize there’s a shit ton of cocaine in our global water supply? Well there is. So snort that.
- Sheep being born with human faces. Seriously. Lamb-People. Someone better silence them. ::rimshot::
- Monkeys being forced into rehab for being drunks, which, when you consider this:
isn’t all that surprising.
And now the latest development? Fish with hands!
::wild applause::
From Boing Boing:
Handfish are fish. They have fins that look an awful lot like hands. Instead of swimming, they walk on these fins. If you ever suspected that anything remotely approaching the status of “missing link” would end up looking patently ridiculous—congratulations, you’re right. At that handfish’s expense.
Above is a pink handfish, one of nine newly identified species of the handfish family. Only four specimens of pink handfish have ever been found. And nobody has spotted a living one since 1999. (The inevitable crushing self-esteem issues must be keeping them out of public view.) The line between different species, in this case, seems to be mostly drawn along physical differences, according to National Geographic, which has organized the wide array of handfish diversity into a fascinating slideshow.
Shit is bananas. Next thing you know, fish will be changing sex.
What?
Really?
We already have transsexual fish in the Potomac River in D.C.?
Well, that’s just outstanding. Next you’re going to tell me that soylent green is people.
What?
Oh for fuck’s sake.
[image via National Geographic]
What you really gave me are even more reasons to not go into the ocean. Or to go on a boat that goes so far out into the ocean you can’t see land. I don’t know why people do that. We need land. We live on land. The water we can actually drink goes with the land. We should stay near the land. Or, on it, which is even better.
Let’s just say there were several reasons why Waterworld terrified me. Fish with hands. *shudder*
nightmares, nightmares, nightmares