Spencer Pratt's Mom Realizes She Gave Birth to an Asshat and Disowns Him

Actually, “asshat,” doesn’t quite capture it; Spencer is more like an ass-sombrero.

It’s been a while since I raged against Heidi Montag and her creepy bearded bonehead of a husband, Spencer Pratt.  I’ll sum up my feelings for those of you who aren’t quite clear:

DEATH.

BY FIRE.

IN THE FACE.**

So here’s what’s new in the land of Why Won’t You Die in a Fire.  First, they are obsessed with crystals. They’ve spent nearly $400K on crystals, thinking that crystals will bring them good luck or something equally ridiculous.  If by “luck” they mean “a fiery death,” then I support it.

Second, Spencer’s family seems to be sick of his shit:

He is estranged from younger sister Stephanie and doesn’t speak to his folks because “he felt his parents would talk to him only about Stephanie and that they charged him with taking care of her,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “He thinks she’s a loser and doesn’t want anything to do with her.”

Apparently, his parents have had it with him as well.

“They noticed him changing two years ago and stayed by his side. But now it’s too much,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They even took the pictures of him out of their home.”

Us Weekly reports Spencer, 26, and Heidi, 23, have become virtual shut-ins at their $7,000-a-month rented L.A house, which is filled with framed covers of magazines on which they’ve appeared.

“No one ever visits,” a local tells Us, and the couple rarely leave. “Heidi sits and stares in the mirror, while Spencer plots and schemes on his projects all day,” adds a Pratt source. “He sits on the Internet, watches TV and tries to get press. That is all he does. It’s totally sick.”

The image of Heidi standing naked in front of a mirror, tears streaming down her face as she realizes that she, a once pretty girl, is on a one-way train to Playa Del OMG! What’s Wrong With Your Face: Population, Jocelyn Wildenstein, while her husband languishes at a computer, self-googling and plotting celebrity world domination, really makes me cheerful.  Let’s all laugh heartily at these two assclowns, shall we?

HA HA HA!

HO HO HO!

Here’s some other Speidi-related schadenfreude: Apparently they’ve become dirty hoarders.  Their 7K a month house is apparently in disarray, and littered with crystals and dog poop.  They have four dogs which are not potty trained and therefore crap all over the house, much to Heidi’s chagrin.  Heidi is on Team Don’t Let the Dogs Shit in the House.  Her husband, on the other hand, is on Team Heidi Pick Up That Dog Shit:

Reality TV couple Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag’s idyllic life has been shattered by a new expose, which reveals they’re living in squalor.

Life & Style magazine are set to publish photos of the pair’s Pacific Palisades home – taken by a concerned friend.

The shocking snaps show the house is desperately in need of a good tidy – the kitchen and living room are filled with crystals and stacks of papers and the couple’s four dogs poop all over the place.

The source tells the publication, “Their four dogs aren’t housebroken. They go to the bathroom all over the house. Heidi is sometimes near tears at the dog’s mess, but Spencer just orders her to pick it up.”

Pratt and Montag are stars of reality TV drama “The Hills.”

Oh, and there’s this, too: On an episode of The Hills a couple weeks ago, Heidi’s mom Darlene Eggelhoff rightfully expressed concern about her daughter’s ugly new face:

“How do I go and say that of course I thought you were more beautiful before?” she said on the April 27 premiere. “I thought you were younger, I thought you were fresher-looking, I thought you were healthier.”

How did Spencer respond?  Like the ass-sombrero he is:, but of course: “She’s not God.  She didn’t make Heidi. She’s just a vagina!” (Hey Spence?  Better to be a vagina than a dick.  ::rimshot::)

Of course this sent Heidi into a rage: “Don’t talk shit about my mom you stupid asshole!”

Sike!***  Actually, Heidi called the cops and got a restraining order…  AGAINST HER OWN MOTHER.  That’s Klassy, y’all.  with a “K.”

So, to sum up: Spencer Pratt does absolutely nothing.  Everybody hates him, including his own family and his facial hair.  Heidi Montag who might have been able to turn herself into something is an absolute failure at Life; instead of doing something productive like, go to school or get a job, she transformed herself into a wildebeast.   And now, she’s stuck living with a douchebag who expects her to be a human pooper scooper.

I’d say they are doing quite well for themselves.  In a few years, these two asshats will be pooping on the floor along side their four poor dogs, all the while trying to learn DIY breast enhancement.  I imagine we’ll soon see an expose on how you really shouldn’t attempt to surgically enhance one’s own breasts using tube socks.  These two will try it… because they are just that stupid.

On a more serious note, I sincerely hope that Heidi’s stupidity is innate, and not a result of any emotional or physical abuse suffered at the hands of Spencer:

• She apparently has been out of contact with her family for months, so much so that her father Bill Montag has said that he is worried for her life and is considering contacting Pratt’s parents. (Good luck with that.)
• “Sources” say that “Spencer has a knack for figuring out someone’s weaknesses and exploiting them. He knows how to push Heidi’s buttons.  He made Heidi give up all her friends for him. He even made her pick between her family and him. I have seen Heidi cry because she doesn’t know what to do.”
• Other sources have said, “She’s so delusional that she’s changed her phone number and now even friends have to go through him to speak with her. He’s cutting her off from the world.”
• When Spencer found out that Heidi’s mother is facing foreclosure because she cannot pay the 187K owed on her house, he said, “If that’s true … that is the best news I’ve heard all day long.” (One has to wonder if he is preventing Heidi from floating her mom a couple hundred grand so that Heidi’s mom can keep her house.)
• When the other twits on The Hills confronted Heidi about Spencer’s controlling assholicism, she said, “All guys are kinda controlling.”

Um, no.  No they’re not. Damnit Heidi, don’t make me feel sorry for you. 

**voluntarily, of course.  I’m not a sociopath.  I don’t want to kill them in the face.  Nor do I want them to be killed in the face by anyone.  I want them to man up and do the right things: Kill their ownselves in their own faces.

***I’m bringing “sike!” back.  It’s happening.

[via Starpulse]