Top Ten Things that the Greeks Have Contributed to Society

Because gyros are the heroes of the sandwich world

As Sar and I were working together on Top Ten Reasons to Trust the Bible, we had a little side conversation about why it is that the Greeks got the shaft and the Jews came out as gyros heroes when the Bible was written both in Hebrew and Greek. Our conversation then turned to what the Greeks have done for us lately. And so this list was born. -stopthemadness

1. People. Over 250,000 men in New York City named Nicky, and at least 100 mobsters in New Jersey named Jimmy the Greek.

2. Mythology. Greek mythology consists of elaborate tales about their gods, heroes, and the state of the world. Greek mythology ruled the land. Then the stinkin’ Romans came along and stole all the Greeks’ stories and created their own “Roman” mythology. Well suck it, Romans! The Greeks still rule supreme! Well, at least I think they do. I mean, yeah, I own a book called “Bullfinch’s Mythology” which covers both Greek and Roman mythology and is about 4 inches thick, but like the Bible, I’ve never read it.

3. Greek food. Treats like kebabs, grape stuffed leaves, and these olives I’m eating. Delicious tastiness often prepared by people named Nicky from ingredients that “fell off a truck” into Jimmy the Greek’s grubby hands.

4. Vowels. The Greeks took the Phoenician alphabet, which didn’t have explicit vowels, and invented symbols for them. Hey Greeks? What’s up with “and sometimes y”?

5. The Olympics. What’s better than watching national hostilities being played out in a sportsmanlike manner? Also, where else can you watch speed walking? Oh my stars, the way they wiggle those hips as they sashay around the track in circles! Or, where else can you watch some sport that requires slapping on some skis, skiing a few miles, stopping to shoot some shit with an arrow, then swimming across a river (with skis still on), grappling with a bear (using a ski as a weapon), shooting some shit with an AK-47, and then skiing on one foot (stupid bear!) through a gaggle of killer geese to the finish line. Hell, even the Chinese can’t cheat at that sport.

6. Fraternities. The entire Greek system in college can be blamed on, well, the Greeks. If it weren’t for the Greeks, we wouldn’t have frat boys wearing braided belts, backwards baseball hats, and Abercrombie & Fitch shirts. Oh, and sorostitutes. I blame the Greeks for sorostitutes who band together with other “wooo! girls” and make going to bars in any college town practically unbearable.

7. Confusion: A language so confusing it spawned a saying: “That’s Greek to me!”

8. George Stephanopoulos.

9. Delicious yogurt. Thundersquee!’s own Lily the Pink favors Greek yogurt. I, on the other hand, prefer Yoplait. After a discussion of the relative benefits of Greek vs. Yoplait, Lily suggested we fight for it. I mistook her suggestion that we fight each other for a suggestion that we fight our respective yogurts, and said to her, “Well, ok. I guess I could try to fight Yoplait. But I’m fairly certain it will surrender.”

10. Kick ass helmets.

[Editor's Note: I originally posted this list on Thundersquee! with a former Thundersquee! contributor, Sar.  She graciously has permitted me to share our crazy here.  Sadly, I am copying and pasting it (so no comments were migrated) because the WordPress import/export function seems to be giving me the middle finger right now.  Yeah?  Screw you too, WordPress!  You're not my real dad!  To see the original post with comments, click here.]

UPDATE: I figured out how to import the post.  How?  I’m a genius, that’s how. Don’t ask so many questions and just click here.