I Almost Started Feeling Sorry for Heidi Montag…

But then I remembered she sucks.

My eyes are raining. ::frowny face:

Remember how Heidi Montag told People that she was “absolutely beyond obsessed” with plastic surgery, like, five days ago?  Well this week’s People is coming out soon (or is already out… hey, I’m not an expert on the comings and goings of People), and little Miss Braindead is backpedaling from those statements.  Now she claims that she’s not addicted to plastic surgery.

Um, word check?  Can anyone think of a word that falls between “absolutely beyond obsessed” and “addicted”?  If so, please let me know.  Because I’ll be good and gottdamned if I can think of one:

“I almost died after my procedure,” Montag told Access Hollywood, saying she looked like she had been “hit by a truck” after the surgery. She had been planning the procedures since she had her breasts enlarged three years ago.

“I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. (I was) in an aftercare centre, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times,” she said.

“So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses.

“They had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me.”

She said the surgery had been a “spiritual experience,” but denied she was addicted to plastic surgery in an interview with ABC News.

“If you are addicted to something, you have to do it all the time.”

What the crap, y’all?  Seriously.  What the crap.  Heidi is a sad sad person.  But sadly, she’s a sad sad person who can no longer express that she’s sad and sad because she can no longer move her fucking face.

Earlier this week, she appeared on Good Morning America and tried to clarify her position, saying that the people who claim she’s addicted to fame and plastic surgery don’t really know her (excuse me while I regurgitate my spleen) and that “If I were addicted, I would have had ten plastic surgeries.”

When the interviewer calls Heidi on her bullshit–“but you did have ten plastic surgeries!”, Heidi sputters about how she didn’t have ten separate surgeries, she had two procedures: the one where she went from A cup to C cup three years ago, and then the one several weeks ago during which she bumped her Tune In Tokyos to DDD, and got her ears pinned back, botox, liposuction, butt augmentation, and fat injected into her face.  (If they took the fat from her ass, does that make her an assface?  ::rimshot::)

If you watch this clip from her Good Morning America interview [skip to the 1:50 mark for the rampant fuckery], you’ll be amazed at the crazy that spews from her mouth.  Remember, it was just last week that she admitted to People that she had ten plastic surgeries and was “absolutely beyond obsessed”:

But wait!  There’s more!

In one interview, Heidi called the surgeries “an investment in her career,” yet she denied to Access Hollywood that she was changing herself to promote her career.  Which is it, Heidi?

Her current position seems to be that she’s not changing herself to promote her career, but that she does have plans to “launch her pop career this year” with her album Superficial (which, according to Entertainment Weekly, she claimed is as good as Thriller, but which she had to pay 2 million dollars to make because no record company would agree to dump her record into the ears of humanity like so much aural garbage.)

Hey, Heidi?  Didn’t you “launch your pop career” during the Miss Universe Pageant–launched it like pus from a pimple on the ass of the planet?  And if I recall, not even Perez Hilton–the man who will kiss any fake celebrity’s ass if it will garner him a spot in the limelight–sang your praises.

Oh and there’s this too!

When Entertainment Weekly asked Montag what she would do if her album flopped, she said:

“That’s not even a possibility. I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back. The songs will make an impact in pop history.”

Well, for those of you who enjoy a good helping of schadenfreude, here’s the cherry on top of Heidi’s cake of delusion. Her album has sold less than 1,000 copies in its first week.  Britney’s album Circus, by way of contrast, sold half a million copies in its first week.  And not even Britney was dumb enough to compare her album to the genius that is Thriller, which sold between 65 and 110 million copies in its first year, and is the bestselling album of all time (according to Wikipedia).

And, I’m not even going to get into the very disturbing message she is sending to any young girls that look up to her, that in order to be “you,” you have to completely reconstruct your face and body in order to find the “real you.”

Or the fuckery about how God gave her the thumbs up: “I prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it.”"

Or her desire to be objectified–when People asked her if whether was worried that people would be fixated on her boobs, she replied “They better!”

Or how destroying her face and body was really all about finding “inner beauty.”

Seriously?  Gag me.  But not with a spoon… with a steak knife.

Her level of stupid defies explanation.

[via Newsweek and Stuff and Celebitchy]