Monthly Archives: July 2009

That Penguin is a SLUT!

Posted on July 24, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Bi Bi Birdyts-rainbowpenguins

Remember the gay penguins?  Well, in news that has rocked the animal world, the big gay penguins have broken up.  Apparently some whore lady penguin’s husb-guin died and the recently widowed penguins saw an opportunity to break up the happy gay-nguin couple living next door.

The 6 year long relationship between Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins at the San Francisco zoo is OVAH. Last week, Harry left Pepper, the man-guin with whom he had been protecting eggs abandoned by other penguins, and moved into a nest next door with Linda, a recent widow.

Zookeeper Aaron Brown says this isn’t the first time Linda moved in on another penguin’s man:

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Posted in Kick Ass, Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Megan Fox is a Stupidhead

Posted on July 23, 2009 by | Leave a comment

The Proof is in James Bond’s Pudding ts-megan-fox1

MeFo is a moron.  An idiot.  A jackass.  A noob.  A moob, even.  Why? She done turned down the opportunity to be the next Bond girl.

I mean…

What the hell is she thinking?  Given the opportunity to follow in the footsteps of some kick ass women who portrayed kick ass Bond girls (sit DOWN, Teri Hatcher and Denise Richards… no one’s talking about you!) she decides to, what… bend over the hood of a car for another Transformers flick and then…  ???

She’s probably got a three picture deal for Transformers. One more left, honey.  What are you going to do after that?  Besides get more lip injections?

Any woman who turns down the opportunity to have pretend sex with Daniel Craig is a nincompoop.

I mean….

DANIEL GENTLY CARESSING CRAIG!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MEGAN?

ts-daniel-craig-bond-21

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans

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Vive la Stewart!

Posted on July 23, 2009 by | Leave a comment

The Most Trusted Man in News ts-jon_stewart

Well, it’s happened, folks.  The mainstream media has lost so much credibility that, according to an online poll conducted by TIME Magazine, Jon Stewart is the most trusted man in news.  He beat out Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, and Brian Williams.

I, for one, watch the Daily Show… er… daily.  What about you?  Who do you rely on to tell it to you straight?  (Commence with the Anderson Cooper jokes….)

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, I Heart Ye

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Tyler Perry, Please Go Away

Posted on July 22, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Farther… Farther… No… No… You’re Still Too Close
ts-tyler-perry-madea_l

As you may recall, my alter ego, Angry Black Lady, lost her damn mind a little while ago after reading about some crazy ass swim club in Philadelphia which wouldn’t allow a bunch of little black childrenses to swim in their pool.

Angry Black Lady was shocked, appalled, angry, and then subsequently very drunk.

Well, looks like another prominent black figure was equally appalled. (Ha! Like how I just called my otherself “prominent”?)  Tyler Perry has swooped in with his bags of cash and is sending the rejected kids to Disney World:

“He wanted to do something nice for them and let them know that for every negative experience, there are people out there who want them to succeed regardless of the color of their skin,” Thomas said.

In August, the kids will be taking a trip to Disney World, with the ‘Madea Goes to Jail’ and ‘House of Pain’ star picking up the tab for airfare, food, hotel and admissions for a three-day visit to Disney and a Disney water park.

Hey Tyler?  Nice gesture and all–really, it is.  I applaud you.

But if you really want to help the children, and, for that matter, humanity itself, then STOP MAKING MOVIES.  We had a meeting of the Black People Club recently, and we all agree– you’re not helping.

Source.

(Thanks to KeeblerKahn for the tip!)

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Idiots are Everywhere.

Posted on July 22, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Growing On Trees.  Raining from the Sky.  ts-fucking-idiots

This whole birth certificate business is getting beyond ridiculous.  People have been screaming lately about how they want to take their country back and how Barack Obama is not actually a United States citizen, but rather a citizen of Kenya, and  therefore his presidency is not legitimate.  These people claim that Obama’s real certificate shows that his name is Barack Mohammed Obama (yeah, he changed his name because he knew that post 9/11 the name Hussein would definitely get him elected, yeah, def-def-definitely get him elected).  These morons were screaming about this before he was elected.  Hawaii put the issue to bed by issuing statement after statement confirming his citizenship.  But nooooo….  people are not satisfied.  And so, the issue is back in the media.

Seriously?  Are we actually having this conversation.  And are there actual elected Republican officials who are playing into the utter batshit crazy wing of the party?  Why yes.  Yes there are.  It’s totally insane.  At this point, these birthers are the stupidest fucking people on earth.  Hawaii has confirmed that Obama was born there.  Obama has provided his birth certificate.  At this point, the argument of the Birther Movement amounts to this:

THAT BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS A LIAR.

Continuing to believe that Obama was born in Kenya is like continuing to believe that the earth is flat.  It makes you a stupid fucking idiot.

In the video below, Chris Matthews takes on some asshole  (Congressman John Campbell from California) who is supporting a bill that would require future presidents to prove that they were born in America.  As if the goddamn Constitution doesn’t already have such a requirement in it.  Watch it.  And then join me out back.  My head will be exploding forthwith:

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Political Shenanigans

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Sad News from the Beastie Boys

Posted on July 22, 2009 by | Leave a comment

My name is MCA, I’ve got a license to kill…

Adam Yauch aka MCA of the Beastie Boys is being treated for a cancerous tumor in his salivary gland.  He will be undergoing surgery and radiation treatment as soon as next week.  As a result, the Beastie Boys are cancelling their upcoming concerts and are pushing back the release of their upcoming album Hot Sauce Committee, Part I.

Adam, 44, said in a message posted online:  “The good news is it’s only localized in this one area, and not in a place that affects my voice.”

Video after the jump.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, I Heart Ye

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What's the Sound of One Hand Not Caring?

Posted on July 21, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Paula Abdul May Be Out and Taking Her Seal-esque Clapping Style With Her ts-paula-abdul-american-idol

So apparently American Idol was all slow on the draw when it came time to renew Paula “I like to Drink on Tuesdays on Live Television” Abdul’s contract.  You see, Paula “I Also Drink on Wednesdays Because the Results Shows are Uncomfortable” Abdul’s contract with American Idol is up.  And homegirl is PISSED that her contract has yet to be renewed.

She’s all “This is bullshit!” and “I’m going to complaint to my fans on Twitter!” and “He’s a cold-hearted snake!  Look into his eyes!”

Meanwhile, the other lady on American Idol, Ryan Seacrest (zing!), just signed a 27 million dollar deal making him the highest paid tv presenter ever in the history of whatever.

Oh, and Kara “I still don’t know what I bring to the judge’s table” DioGuardi is also waiting for her offer.

Oh Cruise, I think I just fell asleep while writing this…

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Whatshisname?!

Posted on July 21, 2009 by | Leave a comment

His parents hate him

ts-dickpoleNot only did Mr. and Mrs. Pole decide to name their child Richard and allow him to go by the nickname “Dick” (Seriously?  Why not Rich?  Or Richie?  Hell, even Chard would be better!), but they also encouraged him in his dream of becoming a pitching coach.

Come on now.  As my friend and Squeer! justinsloe said “I may be 34, but this is funneh.”

Seriously, y’all.  Lily the Pink warned you about this shit.  Listen to and obey the word of Thundersquee!  We shan’t steer you wrong.

(Thanks, justinsloe!)

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Posted in Kick Ass

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Notable Black Man Arrested

Posted on July 21, 2009 by | Leave a comment

They done arrested the wrong Negro, I’ll tell you whut….  ts-racial-profiling1

Let’s play a game. This will be a game that is more fun for those of you with any knowledge of African American Studies, or famous African American men. Aw hell, who am I kidding. This will be a game for those of you who have ever heard of black people, or know that we exist.

Ready?  OK, let’s play.

I’m thinking of a particular black man of note.  So, when I say the words, “Notable Black Man” who comes to mind?

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Angry Black Reader Participation, Culture Critic, Now That's Some Racist Bullsh*t, Personal Tales, Political Shenanigans

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