Fastest Swimmingest Weed Smoker in the Free World 
As you may recall, a few months ago, I claimed that the fact that Michael Phelps is Stony McSwimsalot ain’t a big deal. It’s not as if weed is a performance-enhancing drug. Then I claimed that the fact that Phelps wants to get hiiiiiigh, so hiiiiiigh might make him a bionic weed smoker, considering his ridonkulous lung capacity.
Well, smokin’ da weed truly weren’t no thang but a chicken wang–Phelps is still the fastest human sea creature on earth (although, I wonder whether a commenter’s seakitten and seacannibal might give Phelps a run for his money.) So bow down to Phelps, the Six Million Medal Man-slash-Bionic Weed Smoker. Why? Because last week at the U.S. Championships, he broke the one record he had been unable to break previously; Ian Crocker’s 100m butterfly record:
He won the 100-meter butterfly at the U.S. national championships Thursday night in 50.22 seconds, lowering Ian Crocker’s mark of 50.40 set at the 2005 world championships in Montreal.
Phelps’ feat came just two months after returning from a suspension that was part of the longest layoff of his career, which he considered ending when a photograph of him using a marijuana pipe surfaced.
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His success comes after a rocky post-Olympic period in which the 24-year-old superstar took a six-month break, gained 20 pounds, and the marijuana pipe photo surfaced, resulting in a three-month suspension by USA Swimming. That ended in early May and then Phelps lost some races while preparing for nationals.
See? One can be successful and still enjoy smoking the sensimilla. Can we stop the reefer madness already? Enough of this “ZOMG!, if you smoke pot, the very next day you’ll be standing on the corner with a needle in your arm talking about ‘Please sir, can I have some more’ like some sort of Oliver Twistian drug addict” bullshit.
Bitches, please.
And now a word from Eddie Izzard:
Stoned Olympics!!! Heeeee!!!!
Yay!
I just noticed that that clip was 4 minutes and 20 seconds. Excuse me while I go and giggle…
Whoo! Shout out!!
Yeah, Michael Phelps is probably (read: definitely) faster than my kids.
But my spawn are tricky. Once Phelps got ahead of the Sea Cannibal, she would start crying really loudly. He’d feel all bad, come over to try to console her…and she’d eat his spleen.
The SeaKitten would just forgo her swim diapers, do her biznez in the pool and Phelpsy would refuse to get in the water.
Advantage: my kids.
Michael Phelps is an American hero; he personifies hard work and a desire to succeed. Michael earned what he has unlike the wall street barons and crooked politicians of the world. The man is an American hero and most of us are proud and awed by his accomplishments in the pool. the fact that Phelps likes a glass smoking pipe, a hand rolled cigarette or big fat bong should in no way diminish the way we feel of the man’s accomplishments. Michael Phelps is doing his job and doing it to the degree of historical human greatness. Our admiration of this man does not give us the right to control his individual destiny or to judge his private choices through a lens of misguided morality. If one can achieve our world’s highest honors then they should be “free” in this country to their own pursuit of happiness.
IMPIart.com