In which Gwyneth “tightens our programs”
In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth brings some make-up tips from, as she puts it, the people who transform her into a “semi-presentable woman.” Yay! No more looking like a hobo! At least from the neck up. I can’t afford that $700 jumpsuit just yet . To help us out, Gwynnie consults with three experts on how to “tighten our programs” and look more aesthetically appealing.
What the?! Wait a minute… did she just imply that my “program” is loose? I’ll have her know it’s nothing of the sort! My program is exactly what it should be! I never… Who just walks around making assumptions about other people’s programs, willy-nilly?
Ugh. What a cow. Let’s see what she has to say.
There’s some pretty standard make-up advice… use concealer! wear lip balm! apply mascara! Whatever, we all know about that crap. But there are also some slightly less orthodox beauty tips she’d like to share.
1. Keep a spoon in the freezer overnight. Then in the morning, to reduce eye puffiness, place the spoon on your eye area.
All I have to say is, you’d better hope you have ABSOLUTELY no moisture on your eyelids. Have you ever licked something metal in the winter? Remember how hard your tongue stuck? Imagine that on your eyeball. ‘Nuff said.
2. To prevent wrinkles around the mouth, pull exaggerated “O” and “E” sounds for 30 seconds. Also, stick your tongue out as far as you can, while keeping the eyes wide.
Apparently this exercises seldom used tongue muscles (tee hee!) and releases tension in the jaw (ha!). Loosening your jaw and working the tongue keeps you from looking mean, according to Gwyneth. I’m pretty sure boyfriends and husbands everywhere would tell you the same.
And this one… oh my god:
3. Have a day off? Pour a half a cup of olive oil in your hair, and leave it there all day! At first it will look like an oil slick, but by the end of the day, it will just look wet. After shampooing twice, your hair will be merely greasy. Apparently if you can leave the house, the heat will help it penetrate the hair.
Honestly? Is anyone willing to walk around all day with a head full of grease, just to have marginally softer hair? Also, the soft hair will probably last a couple of weeks. Just enough time for the inevitable acne to clear up.
Oh, and she recommends that men use tinted moisturizer. Hawt.
Enough of this. This is garbage. No one is actually going to do any of these things, and if they do, I give it 24 hours until the hilarious video is posted to Youtube.
Here’s my counter-GOOP for the week: This is the video that actually taught me how to do makeup. It’s phenomenal. And it’s actually practical. And it’s done on a man… so you know, if it helps him, it should do wonders for me! It’s hilarious and wonderful, from Tracie at Jezebel and Gavin at Street Carnage.
Forget everything Gwyneth just told you to do, and watch this (click the image, as the video isn’t embeddable. It’s well worth it!):