GOOPing? THUNDERDOME!!? GOOPERDOME!!!
This Thunderdome!!! has a back story. In last week’s GOOP newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow decided to educate us, her followers, on what to do when you have a “frenemy.” Squee!ers all know what to do when we have “frenemies” (Applebee’s parking lot + brick to the face, obviously) so I didn’t cover it. Now, as it turns out, it’s exploded into a conflict so epic, it makes the Cold War look like a petty schoolyard squabble over marbles.
Apparently, industry insiders/friends of Gwyneth/film fans/unnamed sources are speculating that the “venomous”, “dangerous” person who was “hell-bent on taking [Gwyneth] down” is, in fact, her old friend Winona Ryder! Dunh dunh DUUUUUUNH!!!! The two had a falling out some time ago, apparently over the film Shakespeare in Love, and somehow involving Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. All this took place around 1998. You know, when “The Boy Is Mine” was a number 1 hit, and long before the Willenium.
Whatever.
It’s never too late for schadenfreude, or passive-aggressive newsletters!
LET’S FIGHT!
GWYNETH PALTROW vs. WINONA RYDER
Parentage
Gwyneth Paltrow is the daughter of Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow. Now, I kind of love Blythe Danner, so in theory, this should give Paltrow the advantage, especially considering Winona’s parents (Cynthia Palmer and Michael Horowitz) are unrecognizable to 99.5% of the human population. However, Ryder’s parents must have been pretty damn amazing, because their friends are my dream dinner guests. They include Aldous and Laura Huxley, Allen Ginsberg and Lawrence Ferlinghetti, and “LSD guru” Timothy Leary (who is Winona’s godfather). I think I had a coolness seizure just typing that list out. Major score for Ryder, here.
Oscars
1 vs. 0
Paltrow won an Oscar for the role that supposedly divided their friendship: Viola de Lesseps in Shakespeare in Love. Apparently Ryder had been offered the role, until Paltrow saw the script at her house and covertly auditioned for it (allegedly, hypothetically, so they say, etc.) She won the role, and the Oscar. Shortly thereafter, Ryder’s career took a dive and she was convicted of shoplifting from Sak’s. I guess Paltrow wins this round, even though that movie sucked and she’s a bitch.
Crimes Against America
Treason vs. Grand Theft & Vandalism
We’re all fairly familiar with Ryder’s little shoplifting gaffe in 2001. She was caught stealing from Sak’s Fifth Avenue, and was convicted of grand theft and vandalism. She completed 480 hours of community service and 3 years of probation. Paltrow, on the other hand, allegedly told a Spanish magazine in 2006 that Europeans were more “civilized and intelligent” than Americans. She claimed that this was a misquote, and was never punished for her crime against the state. Okay, so it looks like Paltrow should win… BUT! If we’re working according to medieval standards (and we are now), Ryder would at worst lose a hand for her trespass against the nation. Paltrow would be beheaded after lengthy imprisonment in a tower of sorts. So… uh… Ryder wins!
Tattoos on Johnny Depp
0 vs. 1
Okay, when you can convince one of the most beautiful men on the face of the earth to tattoo your name across his bicep, you definitely win. Hands down. Case closed. Well done, Winona. ::breaks into applause:: So there we go. Ryder emerges from the THUNDERDOME! victorious, with the mantle of victory and the pride of a battle well fought. Paltrow is handily defeated, and will lick her wounds for another 10 years–at which point she will release another passive-aggressive newsletter. Because adults don’t get over shit. Or is it because she’s an immature snot? I forget. I’m going to go watch Edward Scissorhands.
(Thanks to Sar for the tip!)
So, who won? I’m not following the math here…
Winona Ryder wins, 3-1.
Gwyneth may have the Oscar, but she will never have a permanent brand on Johnny Depp (the only category that really matters). Ergo, she loses.
A-ha. Ergo.
Ipso facto. Bananarama. :)
CHEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!
I got a shout! I got a shout! I love shouts!!
And this article, as always, was everything I imagined it could be. ::wipes a tear away::
Check out my new tat! “GOOPERDOME FOREVER!”
Winona would win even if she skinned kittens alive because, well, she’s not Gwyn.
AND Paltrow’s oscar hurt me deeply. Remember that Blanchett was up for her role in Elizabeth and lost to that non-acting turd. Showing, once and for all, that the Oscars are a big sham.
In fact, if I ever met Paltrow in person I would say, “You know Cate Blanchett should have won the Oscar in 1998, right? What does it feel like be a complete sham with an undeserved award? Goop this, beyotch!” Then, brick to the face.
and then you would be my hero.
I didn’t even enjoy Shakespeare in Love. I don’t think anyone should have won any awards for it.
judy dench?
ok, judy dench should always win an award. i forgot she was in that.
If you think about it the battle should really be, Pitt v Depp. 21 Jumpstreet Depp against Thelma and Louis Pitt is not for the faint of heart. I shall go in and come back with the results.
PS, For Gwen. Those pants are super douchey and are cutting of the air to your no no area.
So, here is my Winona story (have I told it before?) I have older cousins, and when the movie Heathers came out, they went to see it in theater, something I was very jealous of because even at that early of an age I was feeding a massive girl crush on Winona. When they came back they decided to play a game called “Heathers” where they were both Heathers, and my younger cousin was also a Heather. And they called me Veronica. And at the time I was very sad and felt totally left out and didn’t understand why I was a Veronica.
When the movie came out on HBO and was therefore available for my young and impressionable viewing, I finally understood how much more awesome it is to be a Veronica in the world than a Heather.
More, Winona will always win against Gwyn because she has had WAY more iconic roles, even if she never won awards for them. I personally was shaped by Beetlejuice, Mermaids, and Welcome Home Roxy Charmichael, and of course Heathers and Edward Scissor Hands and even Reality Bites. Plus, I think she’s been in more movies inspired by classic literature…adding it up:
Winona: Dracula, House of the Spirits, Looking for Richard, The Crucible, The Age of Innocence
Gwyneth: Emma, Great Expectations, Shakespeare in Love (Does the Talented Mr. Ripley count?)
Either way, Winona totally wins!
oh, and looking the above Classic-book-into-movie stats, I just found out that Winona is in the new Star Trek.
We’re talking Epic Win now!
TheHobo: And Little Women, which also starred Bale. It’s been said Ryder had a lot to do with Bale getting that part, so major, super epic win.
ootvimh: I think you mean “The movie we do not name”, not Lit… Littl… Little W… nope, can’t do it.
Why don’t we name it? Is it because of the spittle kiss at the fence? It’s very spittly.
The movie where even if it follows the book, there is no way anyone would pick that old dude (even if he’s hot for an old dude) over Bale?
Probably that’s too long a title. BUT more win for Winona!
I WOULD. In the movie, I realize, maybe not. BUT I WOULD. I am into my Bale, don’t get me wrong. But Gabriel Byrne is one of the sexiest men to ever live.