Monthly Archives: January 2009

I'm in UR Remakes, Desecratin' UR Filmz

So we’re all familiar with Bonnie and Clyde, right? The story of the love-struck robbers and murderers that went on a crime spree between 1931 and 1934 has been the subject of media attention, well, since 1931. Their torrid affair (Bonnie was married) and violent lifestyle created a mystique that captures people’s attention to this day. It’s the stuff Hollywood dreams are made of. The original Bonnie and Clyde film, starring Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, was nominated for ten Academy Awards, as well as a bunch of other acclamations. It challenged media taboos about sex and violence. It was a source of inspiration for Reservoir Dogs, The Godfather, and The Departed. Basically, it was awesome.

And, in an attempt to make it even more awesome, Hollywood decided to remake it! And they cast one of the leading actresses of our generation: Hilary Duff. Wait, WHAT?! Lizzie Maguire? Co-star of Agent Cody Banks? Ex-girlfriend of Aaron Carter and Joel Madden? Has she ever done anything that is even remotely badass? Something tells me Ms. Duff is in for the biggest challenge of her acting career to date. Continue reading

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Did I Mention the Belt Buckle?

ts-lil_wayne_carterLil Wayne,well known rap artist and proud owner of a RAPE belt buckle (pictured), is debuting his new single on Facebook. That’s right, Facebook. In co-operation with AT&T. Gangsta!

The single, “Prom Queen,” is about being in love with (you guessed it!) the prom queen. But she’s kind of dumb, so she nails a bunch of varsity dudes and gets her heart broken.  “Prom Queen” is due to be released Wednesday via a live stream at 9:40 pm, for those of you who are interested.

Hey, remember when rap music had a message? Something about challenging the oppressive structures of dominance within mainstream society? Nah, me neither. I’d look it up, but I gotta go check my Facebook.

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Sarah Palin Effigy

Better Uses for the Sarah Palin Effigy

Palin Effigy

Ladies and gentlemen, it has finally happened: someone bought the Sarah Palin effigy. And get this, they’re not even happy about it. After paying roughly $2,200 for what is easily the most prized piece of electoral memorabilia this side of Y2K, the buyer is experiencing a little remorse. Apparently this politically-involved, wealthy moron wasn’t aware that effigies are generally not used as promotional material. That’s right, he thought it was a pro-Palin effigy (probably before he discovered the noose!). So, now that his idol has proven to be closer to a giant voodoo doll, he’s going to have to reconsider its purpose. I can see how this would be disconcerting. So, in the spirit of friendship, I’d like to offer these alternative uses. Continue reading

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: The Obama Daughters

I Didn’t Know They Were Noseless Asians

ts-obama_doll240
Whelp, the folks over at Ty, Inc. have done it again.  They’ve gone and pissed a black lady off.  Not just one black lady.  But *two* black ladies.

First, they made Beanie Babies.  Beanie Babies are the stupidest kind of babies around. More stupid than babies in beauty pageants.  Beanie babies piss this here black lady off more than Teletubbies. At least Teletubbies can teach you how to touch your toes. All Beanie Babies can teach you is how to have beans in your butt.  And really, that’s just not useful at all.  I’m sorry, dear reader, if you are a collector of Beanie Babies.  I’m sorry because that means I just lost a tiny bit of respect for you.  Who are we kidding, I lost a whole lot.

Now, the geniuses at Ty, Inc. went and made “Sweet Sasha” and “Marvelous Malia” dolls that have pissed off the Most Important Black Lady on Earth: Michelle Obama.  Come on, Ty!  You had to have known that Michelle Obama was going to be pissed at you fools for using her children for marketing– especially for the marketing of those hideous, anatomically incorrect dolls.

Excuse me, but when did the First Daughters become Asian?  And when did they lose their noses?  Did they fall prey to the classic “Got Your Nose” blunder, and did some nefarious character actually make off with their noses?  Maybe Michael Jackson stole their noses because he seems to have misplaced his own?  And why are their names so pervy?  “Sweet Sasha”?  “Marvelous Malia”?  And finally, why in the hell are they so busty?  These dolls have already gotten breast implants.  The Obama Daughters are 7 and 10 years old.  They are a little young to be so well-endowed.  Has no one at Ty, Inc. read “Our Bodies, Ourselves”?  Christ.

For that, Angry Black Lady gives Ty, Inc. four “oh no you didn’ts” and three snaps in a z formation.

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There’s Nothing Magical About this Cone

Pee on This

I’m pretty sure the Magic Cone is the goddamn weirdest thing ever invented. I mean seriously. Just look at this thing:

Where do I begin? First, no, I do not want to pee standing up. I prefer sitting comfortably, or, in public bathroom scenarios, squatting precariously while trying not to let any of my person or possessions touch any surfaces. Continue reading

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Obamas: Terrorist Fist Jabs of Love

First Family Fancies Fisting, Fantasizes FoxNews

 

Listen here, lady.  I know you mean well.  You attempted to laud the Obamas as an example for married couples everywhere:

“They do a lot of touching, kissing, even fisting with one another.”  (Note the ebullient “I totally agree” off-camera laughter from the interviewer.  She seems to be saying: “Yeah, totally!  They do enjoy fisting!”)

No.  Just… no. Continue reading

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